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Crazy

Sometimes I don't knwo if I should give up. Or just stop trying and accept what life set in store for. I am not happy never really have been. Live never seems to get better for me. I was always a loner in school when I was little. My first personality was moon and this made me very anti social. I didn't like kids and had a bad rep no one wanted to be around me. My mom did help situations any when I was growing up. During the part in school where they would tell you the ' stranger danger' thing she would wait for school to get out the when we got out id walk with my friends. Shed pull up and then look at us and say " hay little girls want some candy " I didn't react but my few friends never wanted to spend time with me after that. My dad got rid of my dog in the same year and told me it was my fault I was about 8 or 9 when he did. He was a drunk and my mom was .... well the best way to sum her up blond crack *****. She spent most her time asleep and with friends my dad was at work and by the time I was 9 I was takeing care of my little brother and sister wich created me ( shadow) the innocent personality who never grows up and shinu the child who's scared and shy ... how I used to feel. I had no time for me then when I was about 12 my grandpa died not long after my cousion died. Then I turned 14 and I was taken from my family and put with my abuseive aunt. She didn't hit me just treated me like I was the worst person in the world. I developed aleyx and matt to handle my aunt and unckle. And vinny to hide my depression. The kalibe to try better in school. When I was 15 my aunt didn't want me anymore and put me into fauster care. She didn't give me a reason for it at all .... just one day the car came and took me. It was ok for a little while the family was nice but fauster care sucked. Then after 3 years I was kicked out again and they had to find a place to put me. I ended up in a home ment for girls that were carged with battery other crime and even some sex offenders. My first day the fauster mom asked me " ok what did you do why are you here ? " I didn't understand why. Then I graduated and thought id be happy I was wrong not long after I came out as trans and my mom turned into an abusive and evil ***** she called me a mistake and said " I want to have a new daughter .... then maybe this one will come out right " I no longer feel the pain from cuttting my arms . And the cuts are never deep enough and the last time I went to the hospital. I don't beleave in stuff like love or happyness . There's no point I might as well accept that it won't get better. Cuz everytime I do .... it always seems to get worse

I just don't know what to do any more
tallestshadow tallestshadow 22-25, T 2 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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It's not easy growing up with family that fails you. Do you see a therapist? It can get crazy living with others on the inside. I can relate to that. For depression, we're working on taking an antidepressant to help us. A good support system can help us along during times of struggle. I hope you find a good support system here and maybe with a good therapist (?) Take care of you. :)

I am so sorry you have such a bad deal as far as people who should of taken care of you FAILED horribly and should of known better. It is not your fault at all. Children all deserve to be loved and taken care of and have their basic needs taken care of. Having said that only you can choose how to get through each day and start to believe in yourself. You are not a bad person but a sad person and for good reason. Look for 3 things to be thankful for each day and develope a possitive attitude and you will be able to make a better life for yourself. I wish you everything of the best in your future and if you ever need to talk you can friend me.

^^ thank you ... and iv been working on some things. Its very nice of you and I'm happy I can go to someone if needed