A Cold Room

I saw everyone in my life one last time, in case after I revealed my diagnosis to them, they would be unable to handle it.

As predicted, my three sister's and their spouses all took the position that they do not want my in their life, never want to see me again, never hear from me again, and do not even want to know if I am dead or alive. One will agree to maintain some level of relationship, but I am forbidden from ever coming her home, never seeing her boyfriend again, and will only meet in a secret location for a private lunch once a month. She asked that I never email her again, afraid her boyfriend may discover what a freak her brother is. None even said good bye, nor wished me to be safe or happy. I have been extremely suicidal, and fight that battle every day, in 24 increments. Every treatment team i have ever had has terminated treatment, and this week my current team di the same, they said we can't help, don't come back.

I have borderline personality disorder, 24 hospitalizations in 10 years, countless real suicide attempts, some i was saved while near death, minutes from death.I have bipolar type 1, and some say anti-social personality disorder, PTSD as well.

I am on full disability, have been for years, age 51, and have not one person in my life today, no friends, no family, no kids, no pets. I know nothing of my alters, a room mate can only tell me he has met one, a male, and a bit about his personality. when my alter next appears he is going to interrogate it, and get me some answers on it.

I also have an entity in my life. Mine is a female, and it is death. she comes to me often, and foretold all of this. She said i will take your family away from you, all that own, and when you lose hope you will kill yourself. she has always told me i will die alone, just me and her, and at her worst, she comes to my room and orders me kill myself, tells me how i must do it, and I fight her off. Today my coping skills are outstanding, I vow to fight her to my last breath, and die a natural death, but and every day i have to battle her. Today she knows she can not make me hurt myself, but tells me she is patient, not going away, and is slowing taking all my support systems away. I do not fear her, but I hate her.

does anyone else also have an entity? how do you learn of your alters? i only know one has taken over, when I come back, and discover what it has done. what precautions can i take? I have a person who i text every 24 hours just to let them know i am alive, and they are to call 911 if they do not receive my text. Orders of protective custody are common with me, and i often have several police come to my home, or come home to find them waiting for me. I have been committed for so long I have come out of teh hospital with my lease cancelled, evicted, no car, and only the clothes on my back. I have taken measure to ensure my bills can be paid if i disappear, car is secure now.

but an alter can and does access my safe, change my computer passwords, how to i protect myself form that? they know what i know, and some even seem to have skills i lack.

i have no therapist today, no p-doc, no one. just a person who i gave my bank access to so they can pay my bills if i get committed again. this is knew to me, i diagnosed it, even neuropsych testing missed it. I confirmed my alters with my room mate, final proof this is real.

anyone give me advice on what i can do to cope with this?
behindblueeyes51 behindblueeyes51
4 Responses Jan 16, 2013

All the advise given here so far is good. Having a journal will help as alters and yourself can write and it helps to fill the gaps when you loose time. There is nothing you can do at this stage to stop an alter from comming out. The female voice that tells you all the negative things that are going to happen in your life may be an alter who is hurting so bad emotionally that she only sees death as the way out and she would need to speak to a therapist so that you can get the help you need as well as herself.
I am so sorry about the bad reaction from your family.
This is a good place to write as people understand.

Just like Owlmaid said, try to write, let them know they are welcome to write back

make lots of online friends, let each alter get a chance to stand on his or her own, I'm sorry you had awful people like that in your life, stay strong hun.

You have to find a therapist, it is so important. A lot of therapists don't treat DID, because they don't specialize in it and it's hard to treat. You need to ask them before you see them.
I don't know if this will work for you, but I know a lot of people it has worked for. Get a journal and write your alter(s) a letter. Invite them to respond. Tell them you want to get to know them and help create a life for the both of you. Ask needs and wants. Leave it open to the letter in an obvious place. It's possible that when you switch- your alter will write back.