I Am Falling In Love.

HI.I am Donica the "angry" alter. but really my goal is to protect by defender her( the host and the young ones) But at times I can go too far and do not really let people in. I am always in the survival mode and rarely relax. However one day, we met a guy. I didn't like him from the start, but I thought he was cute and would make a perfect "rebound" cuz I was sick of my other alters obsessing over my ex who was a loser and abusive on top of that it was just too much of a trigger for me. This guy started falling for us. My walls went up because once someone says I love you, I do not trust them all the more especially if it was a short amount of time. It may be that I was good in bed or whatever you call it. however, he seemed to like me for who I was( my other alters are more open and affectionate than I am) and simply just wanted to love me and take care of me(us).I had a hard time believing anyone could ever love me if I am split, I mean how can a person really know me. so I get suspicious of a man knows I am split and says he loves me.

however it is my heart's desire to be loved for who I am even if I am just a fraction or whatever of her( the main whoever she is, and the host). I have been taking care of myself for years and do not trust people to take care of me since plenty of people have betrayed us and it is my job to make sure no one ***** up my life including the alters. we had a power struggle, since I tried to protect my alters and babysat them when they were hanging out with him lol. he saw me shift at times and dealt with my walls as gentle as he could. he remained positive and loving. but the day I fell in love with him was how I saw him treat my alter (shana/ cinderella the younger ones) when she had a flash back. I just fell for him. it was hard for me to let my wall down. my therapist said she understood I believed I had to be tough at all times and love would just get in the way of me doing my job. however I see now that I can do both especially if someone really loves you and wants to help protect you as well. I do feel pretty good actually, a little bit more free but scared at the same time. I am a pretty emotional person and do not handle being upset pretty well..i can be really aggressive if I feel triggered or in danger of any sort no matter how small it appears. but I am learning to trust him and let him in. I guess it is a good thing...we shall see how it goes.I am interested in exploring my romantic side. I am not sure how he will receive it.
LiLSparKle LiLSparKle
26-30, F
2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

We broke up because he started to withdraw and become un available... I am PISSED off.I could not tolerate not hearing from him for a long time since me and my alters were truely in love with him. we reconnected and then all of the sudden I did not hear from him for two weeks. I am not going to trust people anymore..

I hope you and all the other parts are successful with the development of a nurturing and loving relationship.