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Am I Did?

I am trying to figure out whether or not I have DID. I am becoming more and more aware of "parts" of myself and my experiences sound like what I read on DID. But I am terrified of talking to my therapists directly about it in case they think I'm crazy or making things up. And I am not sure if I am just imagining things. Please can someone tell me if they think this sounds like DID or if they went through this?

1. My diagnosis is chronic post traumatic stress disorder. I am also 100% certain that I have depersonalisation disorder. It explains me to a T.

2. I have a "happy" me, that goes by a different name, a nickname given to me by friends. She is the happy, joyful, free part of me. She is creative, fun and friendly. She does NOT want to be a nurse. She wants to have her own business. She is interested in sex with both sexes but is more attracted to women. She is comfortable with her appearance. She likes to eat food and never feels guilty about eating what she wants. She is not nervous about situations, noises, etc that terrify the other me. She likes girly things, wears dresses and makeup.

3. Then there is the sad me, that goes by my birth name. She is really struggling, so hard. She is suffering, in pain. She has been through so much. She is suicidal, has an eating disorder, social phobia. She is very serious, quiet and shut off from others. She is studying to be a nurse. She is the smart, achieving, striving one. She is not attracted to men or women and is not interested in sex. She hates mirrors, feels ugly and fat, and starves herself. She is the traumatised one who gets nervous, panicky, and has the PTSD symptoms. She is also a vegan and anti animal cruelty. She abandons her appearance eg doesnt wash her hair, wears baggy or men's clothes in drab colours, etc.

4. I sometimes "lose control" of myself. Say and do things I don't want to do. I can't stop it. Or I do it before I'm aware of doing it.

5. I'm not sure if I really lose time. But I definitely have HUGE problems with memory. For example, today I remember going to the shops yesterday, but the memory feels very foggy as if it was a dream, or as if it it happened on TV not to me. I lose important things too. The memory problems are only there at times when I am really stressed. And it makes me feel VERY confused and chaotic.

6. I sometimes get the feeling like I don't know what is happening right now, or how I got there, what was just happening in the conversation, etc.

7. I have been through trauma obviously, but it was not prolonged. It is only a handful of experiences over my life. However, I have a feeling I was sexually abused as a young child but I have no memory.

8. I have a lot of trouble remembering certain parts of childhood. My parents were not abusive to me (just distant) but I hardly remember them.

9. I am clearly aware of both parts of me that I mentioned already. I could go into more detail about their different identities but just mentioned the main things. But I don't know if thats normal for DID. From what I hear, people usually dont know about their other parts? But I can talk about them both and they are neither "me"- the one talking. I think they are always present and sometimes I am more leaning on one, more leaning on the other.

10. I was diagnosed with bipolar but that has long been questioned by my therapists. I don't believe its bipolar either. Perhaps my moods would switch from happy to depressed depending on which part of "me" was more active that day.

11. Sometimes I get the sensation of being "pulled" from or "sucked out of" my body, and other things wanting control. Up until 6 months ago I believed this was all a spiritual thing such as demon possession and so never spoke to it to professionals. I was raised in a christian church where I was exorcised for these things, and another "being" would talk through my body. It was an angry, destructive part of me that I called "my monster". The one time I told a therapist about my monster she said I had schizophrenia so I shut up about that and never went back, never told anybody since.

12. I often speak to/yell at my brain. Eg "shut up" "leave me alone" "dont touch me". This is distressing and embarrassing when someone hears me and I have to apologise and say I don't mean them.

That's all I can think of right now. I have no idea what to think of all this. My "ideal" life would be to have both parts of me integrated. That would make me so happy. I have already been making steps such as studing a double degree in nursing/business. At the moment both "parts" of me have separate therapists so it would be good to combine that too. But what I want to know is, is this enough to start questioning whether I should be diagnosed DID?
juniperfairy juniperfairy 22-25 2 Responses Jan 22, 2013

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It sounds like you have alot of the symptoms, and should definitely consider that you might have it. I'm NO expert though, I wish I could help more. But I think it's good to be self aware and info is power.

I think what you need to do is get a new therapist (only one) that specializes in DID and PTSD. Most therapists don't have a backround in DID and won't be able to recognize or diagnosis it. You need to ask on the phone before you see them.
From what you've wrote, I think it's quite possible you do have DID, but it's not definite.

If you ever want to chat, let me know.

I fully agree with Owlmaid, A therapist who has experience with DID and get confirmation on the phone befor seeing him/her. From what you wrote it is possible you may have the condition and if so would be necessary to see a therapist.