Community of Me

I have never really been alone there was always someone in my head who would talk with me.  Even when I was a young man I could spend hours bymyself because I would play with those who were with me inside.  I learned from some of them how to be a proper young man.  When those who were cruel came to me I had someone always giving me sound advice.  I thought this was normal and everyone had many voices in their head.  When I became a 6th grader some of the personality traits of the others started coming to the surface.  I was no longer just getting advice but they were actting on my behalf.  Anger was the one who scared me the most over the next few years.  I had to really struggle to keep him from acting out and hurting someone. 

  I thought I had gotten use to everything.  The different sides of me helped me to fit in to many different social situations and talk with different people.  I could really understand each persons point of view, because it related to a part of me.

Now that I have grown much older and always dealing with these different sides of me they again are moving outward.  I have lost moments of time, memory is getting foggy or just not there.  The rules of the community have broken down.  I now see a psycologist trying to get things under control at the same time trying to better understand who and what I am. 

 I never thought of myself as Multiple personality disorder just someone who had a lot of people who lived inside my brain.  I know not much different but it was to me.  So now I am dealing with the fact that I am DID and how to deal with it properly.  So I am trying to find others who are also DID to see how they communicate, live, and deal with the condition we have.

allofus allofus
46-50, M
3 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Your story is very familiar ... Your description of a group of people who'd hang out , give you advice and never lonely because of their existence ... Hang in there, thanks for sharing.

We love the title of your story - community of me. There is a book called, "The family Inside" that we also like. We have become a family. Inside this body. The one in front most of the time is B. She is a clinical Therapist so we will let her write:<br />
At first I was devastated to understand why there were these voices in my head. I do not have very much lost time or amnesia, although, it has happened. It was strange to go ahead and let the voices acutally switch outwardly and do what I call "move to the front" meaning they are more prominant than the person most people are used to seeing. I only let that happen when I am with my husband or my therapist. Because I do seem to have so much control, it is unclear if I am experiencing DID or DD-NOS. I believe it is DID because I am more comfortable saying we than I and I am so aware of the parts inside of this body. <br />
Here's the thing, Now that we have been able to communicate, cooperate, and comfort each other, I am so happy. I am not fighting the parts - it used to feel like there could be a civil war inside of me, but now there is a family. Even the part that believes that pain is pleasurable has conceeded that if the body does not want to feel pain, she will not hurt us. We are all very protective of each other and very thankful for each other. <br />
Life is good! And, we are glad to be saying that considering the horrendous abuse we have all known. There is now peace.

I do not offically have DID but have always suspected that something was off. I have always lived in my own mind with those who I call the others. I sort of understand where you are coming from.