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My Experience of a D.i.d (multilpe) Life

 

 I'm a 40 year old woman (but really I feel like a lot of much younger on inside) . Ive been aware of my system for 12 years .. I am poly multiple which means I keep splitting.  I have family groups within me but countless alters .I have Some (12 )well rounded people inside but a lot of fragment alters who exist just for one experience  or only come out for regular snippets of time  ,for a book, or a treat, or because there's a kitten on tel-lie,LOL.

Even though I have co-consciousness, I still loose time in a distanced far away way , but I don't black out and forget  so secrets are harder to keep from each other,and its very loud in my head sometimes . A new development is that I seem to have developed Alzheimer's too LOL Peoples names or factual information that I know well vanishes from my head  in conversation.
Things that I know really well ,only to reappear when I no longer need to remember (very embarrassing).
 

Currently  I am working with a great lady on recovering lost memories to reclaim the bad things that happened to me (me being the gradually growing sense of self I  even with well over 100 splits.
I realized only recently that I always feel that my life has happened to someone else and that I am the victim of my alters . She is teaching me my life happened to me , and owning it..arghhh.


 Its such a long hard road . Not all bad though, I feel out of the woods these days and more into becoming a completely functional person. Finding connection to where I live who I'm hanging  with etc is a constant struggle, as is finding the meaning in my life. I often feel very alone in the world and unsupported. I spent a lot of it alone even though mostly we love people. I am extremely creative in the arts but hopeless at study.


 I still have contact with one of my primary abusers (the other my mum is dead) so I work on forgiveness a lot. A touchy almost impossible task & subject. My sister will not connect with my experience as she is also DID (so was my mum) but does not know it yet . I figure mostly she is a boy alter I don't feel any  peaceful center to here personality  or any ability to have intimate connections.very passive aggressive personality.

She keeps herself very busy to avoid space and spare time and adores our father. she cannot remember anything but good things in our childhood . she has always defines who she is by how unlike she is to me .
I was the bad one and she would refuse to go to same school or even talk to me as children, our parents encouraged this and it is an almost impossible task to get on . As we have gotten older and she has had a child things have got better but I will never bring up the "abuse" that she flatly refuses to believe in again .


I try to hard at everything as my worker alters are single minded and perfectionists so I hurt my body and I can not as yet control my diet ( thanks kids!).
and studying art at collage . I believe there is a reason I am going through life this way . My life has consistently  got better since I focused on learning and healing with a councilor.


It is  fascinating and  incredibly complex journey at a on a spiritual & physiological level which takes a very long time to get on top of, 


There are no drugs and rairly much support. Unfortunately the majority of multiples were created through unimaginable childhood suffering. which haunts us all in different weird ways. So yes there can be great benefits to the disorder but also much pain and confusion.

 I think every human  has different sides to them selves and some dialogue between them, so in that way anyone could  get an idea (of some kind) of what its like .

Its just that  out of control disassociation is a buggar of thing,within a mind.

 Our different parts of self are so seperate that they stopped at different stages of development , & ages. Sometimes they are differnt sex to original self and even sometimes older... hmmm very confusing .

 We call our selves an internal system, and even though we all have different names, we will answer to, we all still use only one generic "umbrella" name that others know for us in public.

Often we disagree on basics  like breakfast or movies or boyfriends .. etc..Its so noisy. If one of me isn't getting her way she can create pain in body or a switch or worse.I found  Creating a routine is very hard because we must all agree.Some of 'us'don't even speak they just 'DO' (usually the really young ones) so I find my self "doing" something that we had not planned at all, completely the most inconvenient  times (sometimes very funny) It leads me down many strange thoughts and deep path ways on many levels, spiritual and or other wise.


 For example here's a mind boggler..

For non-multiple religious people, there is often this assumption that, as a person (a personality), you will be judged and  ascend to a heaven on the actions of one self. One self being you. If you prescribe to this belief,  then what happens to a multiple? Which personality is you , who is judged and who ascends?

When I first realized this,  It kinda striped away the personality or Ego from the equation of an after  life and brought me into a soul level understanding of self .which has no personality or ego and is one, not just with self but with all.


Big thoughts! Hmmm  well that's my Sunday night pondering's for ya's all. Now back to washing 6 loads of clothes ..the ships been taking on water lately! LOL 

 

I am currently getting a lot comfort from listening to the book by Echart Tolle " the power of now'.  Hope this find the other many alters that's visit here well and with much self love and acceptance . 

Hope this finds you all well

Regards thruthelookinglass XX
 

 

thruthelookinglass thruthelookinglass 36-40, F 4 Responses May 17, 2009

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Thanks so much for sharing. I have been in therapy since the 6th grade and about 2 years ago a therapist after seeing me for about 6 months diagnosed me with DID. After such a diagnosis it has helped me understand my craziness. I still struggle with accepting it at times but day after day it does become more and more accepting and it seems to be the only logical explanation to my world. I lose time quite often and have alters that send texts, make phone calls, and share information with my therapist that really makes me upset. I can't stand feeling so out of control. I can only hope the therapist I've been seeing for the past couple months can help me to calm my system down and allow me to be me and help me to be aware of me slipping away and allowing an alter to take over. Right now I feel I have no control of them. It's frightening. I too probably 95% of the time feel little. There are times I feel 12, 7, 5, 3, 2, and smaller. I find myself wanting to be held and loved like a child. I find myself and have been told at times that I have gotten in someone lap as if I was a child. I am 36 years old how could I be, feel, and act like a small child. I too can't stand feeling so alone, different, and abnormal. So nice to know and find someone out there that understands. I so wish I could find someone local who understands and we could be a support person for the other. What an answered prayer that would be.

Thank-you thruthelookinglass.... for your story here. It has helped me though I have been in therapy for over 14 years -- it is only in the last 4 years that we came to the awareness that I have DID... and alot of what you said here... I have experienced. It is mass confusion at times and quite noisy too... it is hard to work together inside the mind and body when there are different likes and dislikes... I also related to the sister thing... since my sister has no interest in looking at the childhood issues anymore as well I am quite sure that my mother is a DID as well. Her sexual abuser was quite violent in his treatment to her with threats and keeping secrets. I see what it has done to her (my mother). We have mostly parted ways because I realize she won't get any help with it and it effects me as she knows I am dealing with my own sexual abuse. Anyway, just wanted to say thank-you again for sharing. Peace<br />
imaginepeaceNOW.com Sage61

Something other people with DID have found helpful with the noise is to wear a headset with earphones and play your music loud.

wonderfull powerfull book and everybody should read it.<br />
Very hard recovering memouries and accepting terrible things happened to you.<br />
You were protected and it's very helpfull for the others to come out and have threapy aswell. Your acceptence of them and letting them know you acknowledge what they did is also a big step. Do you keep a journal where everybody who wants to can write as it works well.

As far as religion goes (always a favorite topic) I believe we are judged on our actions as a whole. If our alters are different aspects of ourselves, then it would follow that the actions of one are the actions of all. Its the same as what happens to one, happens to all. <br />
Every non- multiple person has parts of their personality that they don't like, that are mean or cruel. That is also true for someone who is a multiple. <br />
On a more personal note, I like to think that if I continue to do the work the "reward" in the afterlife (if there is one) will be unity. Its comforting for me to think that one day I'll be whole again.