My Experience of a D.i.d (multilpe) Life
I'm a 40 year old woman (but really I feel like a lot of much younger on inside) . Ive been aware of my system for 12 years .. I am poly multiple which means I keep splitting. I have family groups within me but countless alters .I have Some (12 )well rounded people inside but a lot of fragment alters who exist just for one experience or only come out for regular snippets of time ,for a book, or a treat, or because there's a kitten on tel-lie,LOL.
Even though I have co-consciousness, I still loose time in a distanced far away way , but I don't black out and forget so secrets are harder to keep from each other,and its very loud in my head sometimes . A new development is that I seem to have developed Alzheimer's too LOL Peoples names or factual information that I know well vanishes from my head in conversation.
Things that I know really well ,only to reappear when I no longer need to remember (very embarrassing).
Currently I am working with a great lady on recovering lost memories to reclaim the bad things that happened to me (me being the gradually growing sense of self I even with well over 100 splits.
I realized only recently that I always feel that my life has happened to someone else and that I am the victim of my alters . She is teaching me my life happened to me , and owning it..arghhh.
Its such a long hard road . Not all bad though, I feel out of the woods these days and more into becoming a completely functional person. Finding connection to where I live who I'm hanging with etc is a constant struggle, as is finding the meaning in my life. I often feel very alone in the world and unsupported. I spent a lot of it alone even though mostly we love people. I am extremely creative in the arts but hopeless at study.
I still have contact with one of my primary abusers (the other my mum is dead) so I work on forgiveness a lot. A touchy almost impossible task & subject. My sister will not connect with my experience as she is also DID (so was my mum) but does not know it yet . I figure mostly she is a boy alter I don't feel any peaceful center to here personality or any ability to have intimate connections.very passive aggressive personality.
She keeps herself very busy to avoid space and spare time and adores our father. she cannot remember anything but good things in our childhood . she has always defines who she is by how unlike she is to me .
I was the bad one and she would refuse to go to same school or even talk to me as children, our parents encouraged this and it is an almost impossible task to get on . As we have gotten older and she has had a child things have got better but I will never bring up the "abuse" that she flatly refuses to believe in again .
I try to hard at everything as my worker alters are single minded and perfectionists so I hurt my body and I can not as yet control my diet ( thanks kids!).
and studying art at collage . I believe there is a reason I am going through life this way . My life has consistently got better since I focused on learning and healing with a councilor.
It is fascinating and incredibly complex journey at a on a spiritual & physiological level which takes a very long time to get on top of,
There are no drugs and rairly much support. Unfortunately the majority of multiples were created through unimaginable childhood suffering. which haunts us all in different weird ways. So yes there can be great benefits to the disorder but also much pain and confusion.
I think every human has different sides to them selves and some dialogue between them, so in that way anyone could get an idea (of some kind) of what its like .
Its just that out of control disassociation is a buggar of thing,within a mind.
Our different parts of self are so seperate that they stopped at different stages of development , & ages. Sometimes they are differnt sex to original self and even sometimes older... hmmm very confusing .
We call our selves an internal system, and even though we all have different names, we will answer to, we all still use only one generic "umbrella" name that others know for us in public.
Often we disagree on basics like breakfast or movies or boyfriends .. etc..Its so noisy. If one of me isn't getting her way she can create pain in body or a switch or worse.I found Creating a routine is very hard because we must all agree.Some of 'us'don't even speak they just 'DO' (usually the really young ones) so I find my self "doing" something that we had not planned at all, completely the most inconvenient times (sometimes very funny) It leads me down many strange thoughts and deep path ways on many levels, spiritual and or other wise.
For example here's a mind boggler..
For non-multiple religious people, there is often this assumption that, as a person (a personality), you will be judged and ascend to a heaven on the actions of one self. One self being you. If you prescribe to this belief, then what happens to a multiple? Which personality is you , who is judged and who ascends?
When I first realized this, It kinda striped away the personality or Ego from the equation of an after life and brought me into a soul level understanding of self .which has no personality or ego and is one, not just with self but with all.
Big thoughts! Hmmm well that's my Sunday night pondering's for ya's all. Now back to washing 6 loads of clothes ..the ships been taking on water lately! LOL
I am currently getting a lot comfort from listening to the book by Echart Tolle " the power of now'. Hope this find the other many alters that's visit here well and with much self love and acceptance .
Hope this finds you all well
Regards thruthelookinglass XX