I Live With 9 Others In My Head

I'm Susanplus9.

I am a multiple. I was first diagnosed in 1999 after my father died (my abuser). I was in counseling and joined s special group called TRIP at Nova Southeastern University and for a year worked at reintegrating all 9 alters back into just me. For ten years I had not split or shown any further signs of active alters although occasionally one would speak to me in my head. Now in the last week, they are all yelling at me, taunting me and telling me that I have failed them. I thought this was over...done...finished and now I have to start again to work on the group that lives within me. I am frustrated, angry, depressed and sad. Where do they end? Where do I begin?

Susanplus9 Susanplus9
56-60, F
5 Responses Feb 12, 2010

I actually really like my multiples- there's three dominant personalities, three moderate personalities, and a bunch of riff raff hanging out in the background. None of these personalities really assert themselves into my daily life, but if I'm struggling to make a decision or feeling confused or frustrated I can hold a "conference" with them to figure out who is feeling what about the situation.<br />
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The only one who will really take over from time to time is the vixen and that happens when I've been drinking. She likes to make out. lol! And I guess there's the professional, perfectionist persona who is the one in charge most of the time- my work personality.<br />
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I think about it like "who is driving right now?" and that helps me (the moderator, the one the public sees), figure out what is driving my actions. <br />
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I was freaked out about all of this at first and probably have a milder case than most, but I look at it as a creative way to solve problems. It's been really useful for me. It's a little weird, but hating this unique, imaginative, and creative side of me seemed counter-productive. Obviously dissociation is a tool that can help someone cope, or even save their life, so it seems better to embrace the tool than eliminate it. <br />
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They're happier when we work together anyway. Smarty pants and vixen have even become friends and they used to hate each other. Vixen likes to get her drunk once in a while and smarty pants has totally loosened up. Sometimes I have to talk to them like a therapist would about why they're feeling the way that they do. For instance, if a guy breaks up with me, Vixen might act out or be upset and even lash out and then I have to explain that just because this guy ended things doesn't mean we're not attractive, or desirable, etc. etc. etc. Mostly I feel as if my little characters in my mind are personifications of different aspects of my self-esteem. Talking to them one at a time about an issue is a manageable way to handle that issue.<br />
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I'd just suggest listening to why they're yelling. They might have something interesting and important to say. Then again, my experience is probably much less severe than most, so I understand if it wouldn't work for you.

Um...it sounds like you just act different in different situations LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD. You don't have a disorder. You act professional at work and are a lush when drinking. That's not shocking. Please stop pretending like you have an illness. You are making it up, dramatizing, and you sound like a moron.

Hello. I am very interested in your stories. I am currently creating a piece of theatre in london and am keen to get the real voice across. would anyone be willing to speak with me and tell me their stories?<br />
Kindest regards<br />
Tracey

Two of my alters are exact opposites so I know what you mean. It makes coexistence seem completely impossible. I'm not sure if i'll ever be able to reach that state. Although I am curious. If you don't mind me asking...What was it like? Going for ten years without....anything? That sounds amazing

I've heard others saying just the same thing, the 'integration' didn't work.<br />
I'm not surprised though, the term integration has been thrown in at therapies without actually thinking what it means. Some suggest you 'become one', which is impossible when you have some alters that are (almost) the opposite of others. The therapists suggesting this 'one-ness' forget that multiplicity is a normal occurring state of being. The reason for the change in the DSM from MPD (multiple personality disorder) to DID (dissociative identity disorder) is strongly related to the notion that a large part of the population isn't 'singular' but multiple. Many people do have a different personality for their work, their family life and other circumstance related personalities.<br />
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The biggest difference between a functional multiple and non-functional is when amnesia between the alters occurs. Of course there are other differences too.<br />
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The only true integration -in my opnion- is when you manage to have collaboration and organization in your system, as well as control over who is in front at what time. This is something I do hope to achieve one day and when I do, I'll be celebrating!

I know what you mean. You get your hopes up for a minute and then reality comes back and hits you harder than before. Granted ten years is a lot longer than a minute. I've gone months...at best. I never tried a support group or anything though. I am glad to hear that they actually worked...at least somewhat for someone. Most of the experiences i read the people say that they were pointless. I have three alters. Can't imagine having nine. The ones i have seem so unbearable. It's good to know that there are others out there. Don't know if I could make it without that knowledge