What I Want To Be.
Today while walking I considered what would be my last transcript in life. Let me just be frank and say it is destined to become my suicide note. I am quite sure it will be a gunshot to the head but I also have four other back-up plans considering that one day my writing will be found and turned over to an unwanted authority who will list me on a 5150 (California's Welfare Code for a involuntary psychiatric hold that also bans you from possessing a firearm ever again) and take away my guns. I am so ready for it all to end. Those that know me understand that I only live because my two children are still alive. I would never ever in a million lifetimes want anything to happen to them including me breaking their hearts. I also have a stance to hold considering my daughter survived her own attempted suicide three years ago and I mentored her through the rehabilitation process afterwards. I am still so sick of being stuck in my misery and just want a ticket out. One bullet is all it will take placed under the chin at a 45˚ angle to assure travel through the mesencephalon (AKA: Midbrain) as that is where the Central Nervous System (AKA: CNS) stems just above the Cerebral Peduncle. The trauma of the projectile ripping through should lead to death within 0.25-15 seconds. Considering I achieve a comprehensive blow through the Midbrain then the 0.25 of a second is achievable. But, only a partial perforation of the Midbrain will result in my CNS to remain functioning a little longer consequently allowing my Myocardial Conduction System (the electrical impulse of the heart) to allow Cardiac Output (blood flowing from the heart to the lungs) to continue for 1-2 beats. Since the CNS will be at a cessation of function the blood filling the lungs will not provide fresh oxygen to the brain that at this point hopefully will have been up to 30% expelled outside the cranial from ballistic trauma. 0.25-15 seconds, how much suffering can be endured in that short period of time? Try holding your breath for 15 seconds; it is over before you realize you started.
You see my friends that everything will then be gone. I will no longer have to worry about happiness since where I will be given that there is no option to be sad. I will cease to have to contend with failing health and be concerned that the pain returns because I forgot to take a prescription, there can’t be pain where there isn’t life. I will not have to hold my dog to cry on every isolated night I sleep alone unwanted because no one wants to have a relationship with me. No more rejection like I have experienced the last 2 ½ years I have spent looking for companionship on internet dating sites never having success. No more boring ************ because I haven’t had any tenderhearted sex in almost three years. I won’t have to sleep on the cold floor in the back room of my family’s house because the career that I love to do pays less than a waitress gets at some dive restaurant. There just won’t be no more nothing and that thought alone makes me smile. Then I look at the photo of my two beautiful children so proactive in their lives and I think back on all the years I spent as a single father raising them and I am crying again because I must sacrifice my comfort of the grave to be here for them.
I so want to write more and vent how many other ways I can pull my own ticket. But it is time once again to put on my uniform and get to the station to board my ambulance of another 12 hours of duty. It’s time once again to assist people back to life and ease those others during the decent to death. I really do love my job as it allows me to vicariously live out my pain as I assist to ease their sufferings. I have even sobbed at times with the wailing of others as we wheel a sheeted body that is destined for the morgue. How I envy that stiff, they got out and we have to carry on.
I so can’t wait for “No more nothing”. The thought makes me smile but today I unenthusiastically have to live.