Problem Stepmother

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting my story anywhere but it has been getting me so down recently that I could do with some advice, support and encouragement from people in a similar situation to me. My parents were married for 26 years when my mother instigated a divorce. My Mum has a problem with alcohol and prescriptive drugs and as a result was very abusive both physically and mentally to me, my older sister and my Dad for many years. My Mum would constantly put me down, say I was fat, critiscise me in front of others, humiliate me, treat me like a personal assistant whilse i was growing up. As my mums problem with alcohol and prescriptive drugs (she is a manic depressive) so did my dads temper and he started hitting her and putting her down at every single oppostunity. My mum started drinking every day and would not get out of bed. This cycle continued and climaxed in my 2nd year of uni when my mum called the police on my dad, accusing him of hitting her. The charges were not followed up as my mum was intoxicated at the time but she filed for divorce. My dad did not seem to be upset about the dissolution of the marriage and became very negative towards my mother - spreading the word that she was mentally ill to their shared social group. To cut a long story short, my mum moved out of the family home in april 2007. My dad started dating straight away. He went out on a date with one woman in london (he worked in london for a few days a week) and told me and my sister that she was quite funny but had an ugly face and wonky teeth (lets call this woman Lil). So me and my sister did not think that there was anything serious going on as my dad assured us that this was just a 'london thing'. He started mentioning Lil more and more and then asked us to meet her, which we did. Then all of a sudden she started staying over in my family house at the weekends- i could not stand to see her sleeping in my mums bed, using cutlery my mum bought, being in my mum and dads house. It got more and more serious and then 9 months later my dad called me whilst i was at university and announced that they were getting married. I was devastated and found it difficult to accept that my dad had proposed before his divorce with my mum had gone through. To cut a long story short (again) lets fast forward to now. Lil has not left her job in london and is in my family house at the weekends. My mum is struggling to have any sort of life as she regrets her decision to divorce my dad every second of every day. My dad is only bothered with lil- its as if me and my sister have disappeared. lil is so rude and snappy with me, pretending to be my best friend in front of others and then telling tales to my dad behind my back. She has removed any trace of my mother from the house, and talks badly about her and laughs at her infront of me and strangers. She manipulated my dad and now my dad only sees the negative in me. I am finding it so difficult to even be in her prescence and i have recently had a big bust up with her and how she makes me feel like a stranger in my own house. I was meant to be moving into her flat in london to start my first job as she was going to move to lancashire into my family home (a plan in place for about 6 months now) but now she is not moving out and she told me last week that she doesnt want me there, that she wants her house to be her own and has asked for a ridiiculous amount of rent, My dad sides with her over everything. Im so sad and i dint know what to do, I dont use this word lightly but i hate her, i hate everything about her, i hate my life with her in it and now i am meant to share a flat with her and she has made all these rules and argh i am crying just thinking about her. I miss my mum and the person she used to be, I miss my dad and having a place in his life, I miss my old life. What can I do? I had an eating disorder in my last year of uni and had councelling for my issues at home but i feel like i am heading back to that place again. There is not enough time or space for me to explain what this woman is really like but she is fake and manipulative and has pushed me, my sister and my mum out of my dads life completely. Please, any advice or kind words would be amazing and I apologise for my ramblings but i cant talk to my mum about this because it would just fuel her hate for lil and she would repeat it to my dad. Please dont suggest i talk to my dad- i have tried and got screamed at and told i am immature. Im at my wits end. CElizabeth
CElizabeth CElizabeth
1 Response Jul 17, 2010

I'm not an expert regarding this matter, but I would guess your step mum is probably jealous of your relationship with your Father. That would seem to me to be the reason for her behavior. Perhaps you could try to include her in some activities that include just you two. Then you can get to know her better without the competition for your Father's attention. If this doesn't work (it will take lots of time), try to stay at peace with her and yourself and focus on the positives that you have with your Dad. I am sure he loves you very much. Hate won't make anyone feel better, although I can understand why you would feel that way. Also, you could try to focus on your future, because it sounds like you have some things to look forward to in your adult life. You really can't change other people, only yourself and how you react. Stay positive and try to act in loving ways despite how others treat you so that you can find peace in doing the right things. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. I wish you the best. :)