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So Sad

 I've read so many of your stories here and can relate to many.  My parents never fought.  I thought we were such a happy family.  We were always together back in the 60's and 70's, my siblings and I playing together, my mom a sturdy housewife who was always there for us, my dad a solid working man - a highschool teacher and organist at our church......it was such a shock that night to hear the yelling and see my dad holding my crying mother trying to comfort her.  He had met another woman and was leaving her.  I was the oldest at 14, and after witnessing this scene, ran into the house to keep my siblings away and protected from it.  We all cried in our rooms waiting for it to be over.  My dad called to me and my parents took me, alone and sitting between them in the car, to a quiet spot and parked.  My mom told me dad was leaving and began to sob and she hugged me so tight.  I was so stunned and asked WHY?  He said he loved someone else.  That was the beginning of years of trial and error.  Dad's new girlfriend had a daughter my sister's age.  We were all brought to her house for the weekend, but I think having 5 kids in her house suddenly was too much for this new woman, and the prospect of having to do this every weekend was unthinkable.  My dad quietly dropped out of our lives, leaving us wondering, leaving us to be the ones to come to him if we wanted to see him.  That was the choice he made.  He left us to make our own choices.  My mom remarried soon after he left, to a man who was a drinker, but also a stable hardworking German man.  He was also divorced so he shared a lot with my mother.  They are still together.

Our parents are people too.  They are people who had children. People of that generation were expected to get married and have families.  How many people married the wrong person?  Divorce was unheard of, and if you chose it as a means to make your life happier, you were risking everything. Now that I'm older, I've been through my own relationships, and I've have had to evaluate what it means to marry.  I married someone when I was too young, probably because I was looking to replace my lost unit, to create my own and 'do it properly'.  But I divorced him shortly after.   Marriage and divorce are only pieces of paper that outline the time frame you are in in any given relationship.  

Should a relationship last your whole life?  Can you predict your future?  How you will grow as a person?  Who you will grow with?  Divorce was created because there were so many unhappy people who were probably carrying on relationships with others outside their marriage anyway.  The children, however, are the ones who suffer.  They are not old enough to rationalize all this stuff.  The young ones say they weren't affected, and that's why - because they never had to think about what's 'normal' and what is 'tragedy'.  That's a good thing.  A human saved.

Because divorce is so new to us (only a few generations), it has taken a while to know it's effect on children.  It is so important for parents who decide to divorce and who have children to make the right choices and to make the transition as smooth as possible. But who knows by instinct, through all your human emotions, to do this right the first time?  We all make mistakes.  

Children are sponges.  They learn from their parents.  If parents continue to be there for their children, and tell them that it's got nothing to do with them, that they are individuals, and sometimes this happens but they will never stop being part of their lives.......easier said than done eh?

Parents are just human, just like you and me.

thinkingoutloud thinkingoutloud 46-50, F 22 Responses Mar 6, 2008

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Damn. I'm so sorry. If my parents divorced,I would kill myself. And after that, they would regret getting a stupid divorce and get back together. God bless you.

Well, i dont know. We have a tradition which says" one spouse..whole life". In our culture, we marry, have kids, we fight in front of our kids, we forget , we love again, our kids grow, they earn, take care of us, get married , follow the same pattern.. My parents had very bitter fights. still, they are together. now, in their 60s. I have seen them fight. But, thats life.. The fact is never ever the word 'divorce' came in their minds.. Iam married, 6 years into it.. 2 kids.. my husband is entirely a different man from the man i imagined in my dreams..i wanted my husband to be caring, etc..etc.. but, the real man turned out the opposite. So, at first i had problems, fights.. i had bleeding face etc.. we shouted divorce..(see the difference. my parents never thought of it)...but, we didn't divorce..we adjusted.. we decided to be together for our kids... now,we are happy...looking back, i would say it takes some 6 to 7 years to adjust..because no one is perfect.. we have to adjust. now, we try to avoid fights.. we try to match.. we are happy now.. kids are happy.. we have sex once in a week... we fear GOD.. so, we don't get near the opposite sex with the intention of getting intimate.. I can see that both religion & culture has got a major role in a family..in a society... Iam really sorry for you, your brothers, your sister.. I extend my love.. to you all.. stay togther..be strong.. love your mother.... reach me for any good advise.. with love

wow what do you mean by bleeding face?!?! i hope he didn't hit you...especially not in front of your kids!

My parents split up when i wasen't evn born . . . . i knw so technically i don't hv any xperince of hving real parents bt what sucks d most is i am 15 nd my mum is gtting remarried , how am i gonna face evrybody ? ? ? it is so humiliating cz no 1 undrstnd me..... nt jst dat i hv a lots of prblm 2 deal wit bt i'm nt strng enough 2 do dat ...... dat's y i want to die.....

Nice story! ! ! ! bt how cn u 4gv sum1 who ruined ur lyf ? ? ? nd belive me i am asking dis question by my personal xperince. . . . . .

I understand how you felt, in a way. I was only 3 when my parents divorced. I am thankful that I was that young because I don't have too many memories of what it was like with two parents. That was very well written and I wish the best of luck to you, your family, and your siblings.

Hi, my parents divorced at 3 years old as well. Do you still talk to both of your parents? I'm looking for someone in my same situation who can relate.

I know how you, my mother divorced my dad, then took all the child support money, saved it up, and went to europe. Ugggg, I hate my life

i think your are right

I came from a very stable loving family relationship also and my parents are still together ...60 years....

I went thru 2 divorces in my own life and still deal with the ravages it has on my children!! Thats the worse part of the whole divorce! Knowing how to deal with your ex without it hurting your kids. Its almost IMPOSSIBLE!!

You have done great in expressions here. Thanx for sharing

It took a long time for me to fully understand that divorce is not always failure, even when children are involved . I, Like many others and society in general, used to look at divorce as a tragic and epic failure. In many cases, like mine, divorce is actually progress, and a brave step out of the false sense of stability and security into acceptance, understanding, hope and determination. It may indeed be sad, and trying, but pain can be great motivator toward growth and positive change! I turned over every stone to try to make my own marriage work, but when it has to happen, it is best that it does-for all involved.

I don't have divorced parents, but your story touched me. I am adivorced and I have 4 kids, the older ones seem to be dealing with a lot of issues, but the 2 small ones don't really understand. My ex and i were getting along well and to me and everyone else the divorce was a surprise. There have been so many changes in my ex that is like i don't know her anymore, and she is not spending hardly anytime with my older son and he is just going trough a hard time because of this and all that is going on. He only sees her a few times a month for very short times. I told her how the kids feel and what they tell me and she told me that the kids also talk mess about me and that she was just smart enough not to buy it. I don't understand why society has it that moms are always the ones to be closer to their kids.

I wish my parents finally get a divorce. There is not a day when they don't argue, and they have slept in different beds, different rooms, on different levels, for over 10-12 years. I don't remember a single moment when my parents hugged or kissed.



Seeing and hearing them fight, seeing my aunt and uncle fight, seeing my friends in dysfunction relationships....all makes me scared of commitment.

Don't wish for your parents to divorce. Pray for them to not fight

Definitely.

Very well written. As a seperated parent, I still recall the hurt, fear, and other emotions our 9 yr old daughter went through which was exactly what I thought it would be, and why I didn't want my wife to leave, in spite of our bad relationship. We both robbed her of stability, but today 3+ years later, she seems ok and as a new teenager she doesn't want either parent around when she has friends over, its not cool. I am left wondering, do you stay together and perpetuate a fraud on the children for sake of stability, or do you split up, break their hearts, and hope they get over it and everyone is happier? I still don't know for sure and think its a case by case thing, everyone is different.

absolutely

How mature and aware you are! More than your own parents....but it takes a lot to go against traditional ways when society is looking over your shoulder.

I wonder what the tradition will be a few generations from now? What views of marriage/divorce will permeate throughout our relationships?

I watched my parents' dysfunctional marriage and I actually sat down with them as a teenager and let them know that if they decide to go their separate ways they have my support. They looked shocked. They are still together and very unhappy, they chose traditions and reputation over their personal happiness. I think I wouldve been a happier child with two happier parents, even if they were divorced.

I found your story to be inspirational. Thank you for sharing!



I think its possible to have several great loves in your life. Its happened to me and while I've never had another connection like that I've managed to move on.



For me there were no children involved.



good luck to you! Very well written!

thanks for your story!

ohhhh yes, that's understandable. You will have to strive hard to get past her age and just see her for her! My dad's new girlfriend was a little older than my mom, but she is a bleach blond, (sorry to all the bleach blond's out there!) and just all round tacky person compared to my mom????? what the attraction is - oh wait, I do know....my dad told me when I was a teenager, that the reason he left my mom, was that she was a cold fish! And I suppose he was getting a little more lovin' from this woman - but everyone does get that in the first year of the relationship - that's what he left for? So now, as a teenager, I'm looking at my mother as a cold fish.....

I don't think I was even having sex then...how does a father talk about that with his daughter?

Yes, TF, my sister has had a rough time, but she is too bitter to even discuss it calmly. There were 4 of us siblings, and my brothers and I have always tried to maintain the closeness we felt, but have learned and accepted who each other is over our lifetimes. I've watched the ebb's and tides of our attitudes in life, my brothers have rekindled their relationship with our father, one years ago, the other one just recently, but my sister has cut my dad (PLEASE SEE "I HATE BEING IGNORED" EXPERIENCE) out of her life.

She has kept her distance from us all, maybe because it is too painful for her, she has never said. But because she lives with her bitterness, she cannot seem to progress, and we remain distant from her.

And, she is ignoring me at the moment. pffffft!

I wrote it a while ago, and upon reading it again, I noticed what a forgiving frame of mind I was in! Believe me, there are still issues. Issues that I am always trying to accept and file away somewhere....

thanks for sharing your story :)