Completely Blindsided

If you had asked me even just a week ago how likely I thought it was that my parents would ever get divorced, I would have told you that it was completely inconceivable to me, it would never happen. They certainly frustrated each other at times, but considering that all they had been through, all we had been through as a family, I just never thought it would happen. Now, the divorce isn't official, but both of them would tell me its more likely than not.

I tried to prepare myself for this over the past week, as my father just seemed to completely isolate himself and my mother seemed to talk wistfully about life after my father. But even then I didn't think it would come down this fast. "Doesn't think this will work out", "Don't want the same things anymore", "someone new", "new adventure", you never would have heard those things in that house last week. Its bizarre.

Right now I'm trying to be the cheerful one but neither are receptive, understandably I guess. But I'm just completely blindsided, I have no idea what this is going to mean. We were always a really tight-knit family, went through a lot different medical and financial problems. It was at a point where I worried that they were getting too attached as I got older, but the comfort then was, well, if I want to go off on my own for a while, at least they'll have each other. And now that's completely out the window. I look back and I can see where and how they would have frustrated each other, and I feel like I should have just called them on it, and maybe they would have toned it down. But I just thought that was between them and I shouldn't interfere. They'd hung on for 30 years, right? Even then, I never in a million years would have guessed that it would kill the marriage.

For all this rambling, I guess I'm just wondering, how does an older adolescent/young adult deal with divorce. I've been talking to a lot of my friends who went through divorce, but what most of them point out is that for them it happened when they were younger, they didn't have that "perfect family" dynamic for so long and the divorce just became the new normal as they were growing up. So I guess I'm looking at it from an older, more aware position. Less angry but more sad.
DesolationRow DesolationRow
24 Responses Jul 18, 2011

myy parents frustrated themselve up a lot. but i´m glad my mom and my dad are old fashionable dudes and think that when you get married is a for ever thing. (exception might be infedelity and addiction with no will to change).
I think you shoul try and express to them your doubts you are old enough for them to explain to you certain things that younger kids wont be able to understand.
Talk to them try to get them to explain things. And your mom sure is just trying to make things appear lighter, that's a moms job!! :> Don´t get fool but outer appearences and try and remenber how they were before the divorce thing got in and then you'll be able to see that they are sad, too.

first i would ask my parents if they would go to marriage counseling.. if not<br />
<br />
then ask them, where in the world did they both want to go when they were younger and never did..<br />
say a trip to europe ect..<br />
tell them to act like they did when they first met, no money worries because when your young you believe all will work out, no job worries because your young and you know their will be another job waiting, no bills, because they can live any where, and definitely NO KIDS, so that worry is absolutely off the table..<br />
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just go do what they wanted to always do.. hold hands, find adventure, Both must truly try. and see how it goes Rule: no talking about their older life!! they are young again and that older life NEVER happened!<br />
<br />
I know a therapist who has told her clients to do this, and many found their second youth, in fact <br />
those adults were so bogged down with FEAR of losing money, house, car, job, kids future, their health, getting old.. that their most important problem that was killing their marriage is that they both forgot to really LIVE in the moment , <br />
and doing adventurous things is a start to remember who they both once were (and yes they ARE still those same young people)!!..<br />
<br />
let them read this.. tell them at least try this. and see how it goes, but they both have to truly try, and NOT CALL ANYONE!! because other people in this time can only hurt them, and that includes their JOBS<br />
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if they won't honey, then just be there for the parent who is falling apart, usually their is one that is weaker than the other... and they need you to vent to, not to fix it, but an ear, if it gets that yo worry about their mental or physical health, get them to see a doctor to put on meds..<br />
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divorce is hell on everyone, especially kids

let me guess your dad is going through his mid-life crisis..<br />
he will buy a corvette, motorcycle, and find a woman that feeds his ego<br />
he will do things he wanted to do when he was younger or talk about things he did when he was younger<br />
lose weight, start working out<br />
he may drink more, do drugs<br />
quit his job, move<br />
get married under 2 years after the divorce is final<br />
<br />
your mom, if she is having the affair, it will end under a year<br />
if she does not have a good finnancial job, she will be finnacnially devistated<br />
drinking, finding her self.. usually with younger men if she can get them<br />
new color for hair, lose weight, start working out<br />
maybe get face lift, tummy tuck, hair extensions<br />
new wardrobe<br />
new furniture, especially the bed<br />
move, new job<br />
<br />
5 years down the road<br />
dad still hates mom and still talks about her being selfish , crazy and bi****<br />
mom she may be married or if not still hates dad, talks about wasting spending on man toys and his women<br />
<br />
10 years down the road,<br />
they both play "the tolerate game for the kids sake", when at family functions, (have on the side angry sex, even if married to different people<br />
20 years,<br />
they can talk, laugh about old times, and what were we thinking stories<br />
but,<br />
they will never be friends again<br />
<br />
because even though people put down that marriage is only a contract on paper, it is not true<br />
marriage is an ideal of commitment and trust, and once divorce you will never feel that way about that person again.

It amazes me to read your story because as I was reading, I felt as though it were my own. I am almost 19 and my parents filed for divorce when I was 17, so it hasn't been long since I went through this. On Valentines Day of 2010, I came home from a late night of waiting tables to find my mom on the couch and my dad out of sight. You would think on Valentines Day, a couple who had been married for almost 20 years would be spending time together. But not this night. My mom told me to go get my brother, who was 14 at the time. We sat on the couch in tears as my mom confessed to having an affair. Valentines Day 2010 was the worst night of my life. And believe me when I tell you, it will get better. For several months, I held a grudge against my mom. I avoided all contact and conversation with the woman who raised me, the woman who was supposed to be my closest friend. For months, I saw my dad cry in loneliness, unsure of what to do. But now, about a year and a half later, my dad got remarried to his high school sweetheart and I couldn't be happier for him. Now, I live with my mom and we are closer than ever. I have learned for forgive better than I ever had, and I have become stronger as a person. As for your question, how do us young people deal with divorce? It's hard to say. I personally had so much going on at the time: senior prom, graduation, changing jobs, getting ready for college, etc. My best advice to you would be to stay close to your family, spend time with them as much as possible. Also, keep yourself occupied. Trust me, as time passes, wounds will heel, I promise. When I went through the separation, I thought it would never get better, but in time, I've learned that it does. You have my empathy for what you're going through, and my heart goes out to you.

While I understand your sense of 'being taken by a total surprise' and feeling rather 'dis-illusioned', I wish to share that many a times we do not observe situations or realities from a 'fair' distance to be able to see the facts as they truly are, as we either choose to see what feels comfortable or we refuse to accept what is to be actually see...wishing that the underlying possibilities will not become facts. <br />
The two otherwise perfectly nice and good individuals attempt to get along due to the formal tie of marriage but since they do not mutually aim towards the or strive towards self improvement and adjustments (mutually), there comes a time when the mental distance becomes wider than before and then there is simply no LOVE expressed by either person to help the situation get better and then onwards it is a journey down-hill until both tuble down to hit hard on the ground of realities and find that they both are true 'losers' in so far as the beauty of selfless love is concerned because neither wants to 'give'; both simply want the other to 'give' and forgive. Then no matter who attempts to help, there is no dent possible. The remorse, the sense of pure love and selflessness has to come from within both the individuals. As evident, when we shout "You are no good" three echos say to speaker the same thing. It is not the other person but the one who is unhappy that needs to understand what he/she is doing that is not working well. You are merely a sad third party in this sad 'drama of life'. I pray that you learn to detach and help your parents individually simply by loving them and not blaming or insisting upon changing their thoughts or decisions.<br />
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All the best. VC

I remember taking it hard just when my parents wanted separate I took it as such a bad thing yet they both loved having their own space. I know as a kid I felt sick inside when either talked of divorce so I cannot imagine at any age, how hard or painful it would feel as the children.<br />
If they do- I hope that you can stay close with both. There is a chance they may just be talking about it right now..hoping the other will change or improve in some way. We all go through stages and there is those mid-life crisis that most go through. I hope it all works out for your family. <br />
I guess no one else can tell you what it is like or how it will feel because no one is living your experience. Just know they both love you and either way, you will be able to have them both in your life. Good luck.

Hi DesolationRow,<br />
<br />
My situation is not quite the same as yours, but my parents did eventually divorce when I was older. Individually, my parents are/were (my father recently passed away) great people. However, they fought like cats and dogs pretty much all the time I was growing up--the tension in the house was thick whenever they were both there, and I don't recall a time when they appeared happy together. It's hard to understand how this could lead to 6 (SIX!) children, and I still grapple with how that is possible. By the time I graduated from high school, they were sleeping on opposite sides of the house. I was extremely happy to be leaving that toxic environment when I went off to college.<br />
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Things apparently worsened in the years after I left, but slowly. One Father's Day about 10 years later, I called home to find out that my father had moved out of the house. Something snapped in me. I had had enough. I wrote them a letter saying that I loved them both dearly, but I could not put up with this any longer--their toxic relationship was having too much negative impact on me emotionally, and I had to distance myself. I basically said that either they had to resolve their issues or get a divorce, but in either case, I was done, and was, in a sense, divorcing myself of the two of them. It was a very difficult thing to do, and I went into a deep depression afterwards. Two of my siblings were livid. But this was something I felt I had to do out of self-preservation--their behavior was eating me alive. I found out that they did get the divorce (I don't know when). I have no idea if their lives were better for it, but at leats they weren't making each other miserable on a daily basis.<br />
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When I reflect back, I think I, and my siblings, would have been better off had they divorced earlier. I would have been a much better adjusted person had I been able to see my parents happy apart rather than miserable together. Plus, they often said they were staying together for the kids, which only made the situation worse to me, as I then felt responsible for their misery. It's not right to do that to a child.<br />
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My bottom line is that your parent's life is not your life. You have your own life to live, and you can't allow what is happening between your parents affect that. Yes, it is sad to see a relationship deteriorate, but people grow apart. I have a friend who announced just two weeks ago that he and his wife of now 10 years (with 3 children) are getting a divorce. Completely out of the blue, her choice. I still don't know why, but it happens. I told my friend that he has to focus on their daughters. This might be better for them in the long run.<br />
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Stay strong!

Things and events happen at their own time, in the right time the world meant for them to happen. We do not always see the reason behind why they happen right away; but eventually, the understanding will come. It is not to say that you will think it is correct; but you will then know it is right.<br />
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Whether it had been 30 years or 10 or more or less does not really account whether they continue staying married or not. It took them that long to realize they are not meant to be anymore. They were probably meant to be only at certain time. But isn't it better to walk away now from the marriage than continue pretending, endlessly trying just to make it work? It would ALWAYS be difficult for the children. And it doesn't make a difference if they are young, adolescent, young adult, or way over their 30's. What matters is that your parents are honest enough to you, and most especially, to themselves.

I gave it all to my wife and kids. Quitted to my career just to be more with them. Destroyed my finances to give it all to them. Took them to travel to all places. Made them really happy with my effort. But I didnt get to receive nothing. My wife didnt give me the support a woman must. Made all her decisions without asking or taking me into account. The marriage went into crisis when I realized that I didnt love her anymore because of her lack of giving intimacy, conversation, sex, friendship. She like got used to see me as a provider. Not as her best friend or lover. When a man gives it all, needs this: a best friend and lover. She was not this. I am still with them, because we have 2 kids of 9 and 13, and I dont get divorced because of not making them suffer. Because of the suposedly irreversible damage. But what is worse for a kid than see that their parents are not happy and are very sad with each other¿?, is it not stupid to keep up with a couple that doesnt respects you or loves you? I reached the point when I didnt have any more money and she didnt helped me. She was only for the good times and the seven marvels traveling. But marriage takes to be a couple, to make decisions as a couple, to manage money and all things as a couple, including the health of the other. A marriage or family cannot work for the woman and kids and the man have to sacrifice his life working and traveling alone, with no one there for him. This is not the purpose of life. I prefer to look for my happiness without her and help my kids to find their own, that to be unhappy all my life just "To be together"

Well, first of all, let me thank you all who commented for your understanding and good advice. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences. I have no idea how this story managed to rack up as many views & comments as it did in just a couple weeks, all I can figure is that somehow it struck a chord with a lot of people. Again, I appreciate all the feedback.<br />
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I guess I should offer you all a little update. As far as I knew, within a few days of writing this, both of my parents had been calling their attorneys to get the process started. Then my father went away on a fishing trip for three days, and came back acting like nothing ever happened. My mother is going along with it for now, but she's not convinced of anything. She was apparently blindsided by my father suddenly wanting to leave as anyone I guess, and I can understand why she's skeptical about my father's sudden change of heart. She says she hopes it will work out, but she's not getting her hopes up, seeing how fast it seemed to fall apart the last time. Crossing my fingers I guess.

I have seen this controversy from both sides. I don't have a lot of answers for you, but perhaps you can take solace from the fact that others have been there, too. <br />
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When I was about 16, my parents announced that they were going to get divorced. They had always been in a very tumultuous marriage, with lots of hatred and arguing, and had often told me that they were staying together "for the kids" (Ie., me) which caused me enormous guilt thinking that I was responsible for their unhappiness. Although I was shaken by the divorce, I was encouraged to think that my parents would be able to find happiness with someone else or alone, and I wanted desperately for them to be unhappy. I knew that they were terribly unhappy with eachother. <br />
<br />
Fast forward twenty years. I am now 40, and have been out of the house for the last twenty years. They are still together, and still making eachother miserable on a daily basis. I will never truly understand why. We each have our own choices -- either to bloom where we are planted, or to go somewhere better.<br />
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I am now in the throes of my own divorce, with four children ages 3 to 13, and have grieved a lot over the death of the dreams that I had for our marriage, retirement, growing old together, etc. But in the midst of it all, I learned that I was in love with the dreams, not with the reality. It takes solid commitment from TWO people to transform dreams into reality. Had I stayed in the marriage, I only would have grown more unhappy, more bitter, and more unfulfilled. Staying in the marriage would have never given me a chance to realize my dreams, as they were mine, but NOT HERS. One person cannot change another, and one person alone cannot build a dream relationship for a couple, without cooperation from another. <br />
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Keep in mind that you cannot change your parents, nor should you ever try. Both your parents will be going through hard times emotionally and financially. It is important that you let them know that you love them, that you will always be there for them, and that you are 100% invested in their happiness. It is also important that you don't ever blame their divorce for any problems you perceive in your life, no matter how tempted to do so you may be. Even if you think that is the case, pointing it out to them will only add to their guilt and stand in the way of their healing. <br />
<br />

Your whole comment was interesting but I am glad you mentioned feeling guilty over thinking you were responsible for your parents unhappiness, as they were staying together "for the kids." Obviously, they have proved you wrong as they stayed unhappy "for themselves" after you left. Some people just don't think they deserve to be happy, and that is their decision. But I have often wondered about the incredible burden it can be for children to be the primary reason their parents are together.

I sincerely understand your feeling about what is happening. My parents divorced when I was 11 years old. And, I never intended to put my children through it. Unfortunately, in spite of our best intentions things don't always work out the way we intend. First let me point out I am a near model citizen...800 credit score, college degree, normal job ect. But when I was younger I was traumatized by a run in with the law. (which I still contend my innocence today) Without clearly thinking I made the rash decision to marry my girl friend at the time.. A decision I immediately regretted as we road in the limo to the Las Vegas wedding chapel. I had not the heart to leave her cold at the alter. Months later I had not the heart to get an annulment although I mentioned clearly that we were making a mistake. I repeated the fact that this was a mistake several times but she was after what she wanted and I just wanted us both to be unhurt. I am a sensitive man and have difficulty hurting people. Months later she encouraged me to drink beer, which I like, and to watch adult movies with her. The next thing I new she had disabled our contraceptive and refused me the ability to withdraw. I was furious with her afterwards and over the next several months. In spite of my demands, an abortion did not come to pass. My child was born and over the next 16 years I played the role of a good father/husband. She knew I was just being responsible and she went through much to placate me. After near 20 years of marriage we have been separated for a month. Our difference finally caught up with us. The funny thing is we have always been the epitome of a good family. Unfortunately, it was more an act that reality. I refused to hurt my son and sacrificed my youth until I could bear no more. I love him more than anything and take him to brunch every Sunday morning.<br />
I guess the moral of this story is there are things parents keep from their children in the effort to shelter them. People are not perfect and mistakes do happen If parents can give a child a good sense of confidence and purpose as the grow into adults I think many of this type of mistake will be avoided. I believe my son will not make the same mistake I did as I have taught him self-worth and respect for both him-self and others. I have also given him the courage to speak his mind if things are not right even if it hurts people- if it is for the better good in the long run.<br />
We were classified as the perfect family but only because we held the truth from our son for his benefit i don't know if this was the right decision but he is turning out to be a fine man. I hope that others may find my story "enlightening" so that perhaps another does not make the mistake I have.

Wow. That is quite a story. You have clearly shown that there are moments in our lives that can define our lives.

My adult daughter was about your age when my long term marriage ended and her dad and I separated and subsequently divorced. It was a very sad time for her too. I am grateful that in our case we all took the high road with this huge life transition. My ex and I did not put her in the middle of our issues. We each continued a loving, close and supportive relationship with her. I did not bad-mouth him to her (sometimes I had to bite my tongue), and he did the same. What seems to work very well for her is to not take sides. She has a very close relationship with each of us as individuals. She keeps in contact with both her dad and I on a daily basis, either by phone, skype or text. She has informed both of us that she has strong boundaries in that she refuses to "gossip" about us to each other and she maintains strict confidentiality with what I share with her about my personal life and visa versa with her father. It has actually worked out very well for all of us. I hope your situation will evolve into something similar. Hang in there.<br />
<br />

Separation in family units is always painful when it looks like being a permanent thing....I nearly went thru a permanent separation when our kids were 18, 15, and 2... I was 40 and my wife 3 yrs wife and I both had lovers and thought we would be better off with them or other people rather than being married to each other...we felt stale with each other..we never fought or even argued..we worked very hard and treated each other with respect and what felt like love...<br />
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She said she had enough and wanted out of the marriage....the pain that followed was devastating not just for us as a family....but for all our friends and even distant family members too...everyone was shocked...we had seemed happy and we acted it...<br />
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We separated and lived in different homes but still in the same small town....My pain was so great I needed help so I went to counselors who put me into group therapy...unbeknown to me my wife was also going thru the same thing and had booked herself into the same program...<br />
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The counselors worked really hard to convince us both that it was meant to be and that it could be the best thing that could happen to us...and as it turned out it was....we got a reasonable understanding of the negative emotional motives underneath that neither of us were aware of...that was causing our actions and reactions...<br />
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I told my wife I wanted our marriage back together and she said she didnt....I had a lot more counselling and therapy and was convinced I wanted my marriage back and was prepared to wait....and told my wife ... she said what happens if I want to get married to someone else.. I told I would wait no matter what...<br />
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For 6 months we had no contact with each other...then I got a phone call to ask me if I still felt the same ..and I told her yes....then I felt a dread in my guts deep down... and wondered if I had done the right thing by saying that....Later I found out she had felt exactly the same... the dread of trying to patch a broken marriage felt more difficult than going to a new relationship.... but we both started very slowly talking to each other... then dating...the kids were ecstatic and were trying in very subtle ways and I am sure praying desperately as well for us to get back together...<br />
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It took months of going slowly...finally we agreed to live back took several years to get back the trust and comfort...the walking on eggshells....but it was worth every bit of discomfit.... <br />
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We are in our 70's now and extremely happy satisfied and peacefully fun loving together... it was worth every inch of suffering we went thru to get it......<br />
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Your journey is yours and your parents have theirs knows no bounds...and its only a decision to show or not show your love to anyone no matter what the judgmental mind and ego ba<x>sed emotions are saying within...when you decide to love someone or anyone it is the most powerful energy in our universe....<br />
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Let love be your light, let it be your peace and your happiness will follow and hear it no matter your love to yourself and the real nice caring person you are ...and know your love will overcome your grief...... love of freedom makes people fight for it without weapons and still win...<br />
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Show each of your parents your love and allow your pain to live by showing it in your eyes your heart and your speech without blame malice or self pity.....let it live and express itself so it may leave you in peace and gratitude....and allow your love to do the healing...... <br />
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Stay in love with your life and all its lessons...for they will lift you into wisdom and a deeper understanding at a level that you will see after you have risen to it....<br />
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Many blessings and much love to you and your parents and family....

That was lovely. I wish we could all "rechoose" to be with our spouses periodically throughout our lives: that chance to see what it would be like without the other person and then to choose to love again. Many marriages would not survive it, but I believe that many "unhappy" marriages would benefit from the reassessment of core values and the healing power of love and commitment.

I'm so sorry for your loss, because that is what it is.. a loss of what you had and a loss of what you planned for your future. It's okay to mourn. Give yourself time to deal with the gambit of emotions. Whatever the reason for the divorce let your parents know you love them. Treasure the good memories and learn from this experience so you can help others going through the same sadness.

it is always hard for two people who once loved each other to finally come to the bitter realisation that that which they thought was the glue that held them together was actually the doormat.<br />
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Marriage is like a house, you look at it and at times it looks magnificent on the outside and other times it looks just like a dump. but sometimes you follow up the occupants in the magnificent house and you hear that one day the chimney crumpled in and the tenants had to run for their lives. then you look at the dishevelled house and true to form the equally simple yet genuineh and original tenants are sitting on their crickett swing chair sipping cheap coffee from their chipped coffee mugs.<br />
<br />
the morale here is that when you build a marriage the foundation matters not just to the builders but the people that will live in it. if it is built on all these glittering and atttractive settings but without the love, care and observation to detail, then it is those little chinks that eventually bring down a seemingly wonderful marriage while one that was destined to fail from the begining is still going strong. Genuinity matters because if you know your patners goods and bads their are no big suprises and if anything you are kind of prepared for them when they come up. the only sad thing is that just like the tenants it is the children that often suffer from the bad or poor infrastructure set in place in the first place.<br />
but my dear you are no longer a child and you are also soon going to be in your own relationships i think it is time for you to put aside your woes and complaints and be thankful that they toiled through it to raise you to this point. now it is time for you to be supportive of them both. and make no mistake of taking sides and if it were possible make it a point to always steer your conversations away from the other parent because both of them are your parent and am sure they both love you so no matter who is at faoult they also both need your moral support and understanding. if you are able to look beyond the BIG ME SIGN then you will see the two road signs reading TO MUM and TO DAD. <br />
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I am sorry you are feeling so much pain, but you have to remember it is not your fault.<br />
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The thing is for whatever reason, they have decided to separate. Maybe they were just never meant to be together, and this is a decision that would have been better made in the past. Some people rush into marriage only to find out after the fact that they should have waited, should have been sure, should have traveled, met more people, and so forth. They then for various reasons try to stay together making each other miserable for years, until they reach the point where something has to give. The end result is divorce. Wait and see. And in a year or two if you see two much happier and vibrant souls, be happy for them. Sometimes divorce is for the best. Life is too short to live it miserable and rest assured that no matter what happens between them, they will always love you.

May many read this! I, too, after 25 years of marriage, saw my lovely bride just disintegrate her love for me, our home, and our family. She abandoned our marriage, her vows, and her respect for me, AFTER she was exposed to a minister's hatred for marriage and those in any kind of marital conflict. so, he bragged to me, and others, about his "successes" with breaking marriages that were in conflict, and even marrying individuals to spouses of marriages he's promoted the divorces of! <br />
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Well, I hurt like it happened yesterday, and that was 1992. Our dear children have run away from both of us, and only by Grace does my older son commit himself to be my friend, and also a friend to his mother, though she has almost forsaken him for his loving me. <br />
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So, here's a simple piece of advice that will guarantee any marriage will survive to the end: GET TOGETHER WITH MARRIAGE ENCOURAGERS!<br />
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It is marriage bashers who covertly encourage couples to end their vows, so simply do the oposite, stay away from anyone who nay-says on marriage, and hang-out with those who are human enough to admit that the one they were enough in love with to marry are also the one with enough reasons to stay married to, and all the spouse need do is go back to that pre-wedding period and find why the wedding took place. There was enough reason then, and those reasons are still there, however much tarnish and grime has settled on them!<br />
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Marriage is two people who determine to find likeable things to share, and nothing more, or less. So, find those likeable things. Then, share them! Oh! and leave out the un-likeable stuff! It really just does not matter! Trust me!:-))

I agree with this. Very wise. My wife and I were separated for 2 years and, by God's grace, we are back together. I could pick my advice from 2 different camps: those who said "you deserve better" and gave a thumbs down . . . or . . . those who encouraged me to get in touch an important key to healing a marriage . . . . humility, grace, forgiveness, truth, and taking on those qualities that follow the model of grace that God has shown us and the love that God has for us. In my opinion, that is the truth and the solution - partaking of that supernatural and divine nature that only comes from going deep and intimate in relationship with God so that we can finally get healthy in all the relationships in life - including our marriage! :-)

My parents died when I was 11 and 19. The death of a marriage is a terrible thing to have to go through, but at least when the dust clears, you will be able to see both of them. they say in Sociology at the university that although it is financially devastating to both of them, that the women of the marriage fells it the most in the pocket book. It is hard, so try to be kind to them at this sensitive time, and afterwards the women says usually that although she is broker after her divorce that she feels happier in the long run. My sister went through divorce and I almost immediately moved in to help her with her finances. Her divorce turned ugly when her husband started saying that him and his parents would never get to see the kids if they stayed with her. Basically he brainwashed the kids into believing it was all her fault for their divorce and that they would be better off staying with him. The whole thing was illegal for him to say things like that. He turned one of the kids against her, and now they do badly in school, because they stayed with him. Guys make a great best friend, but it's the women of the family who seem to teach the children right from wrong and are natural care givers, in my opinion. I am not saying that your parents will do that, but divorce can be nasty, and your parents probably love you very much. I am just sorry that any one has to go through divorce. They sound like really nice people.

Perhaps I was a little hasty in my judgement. I have been watching James and the Giant Peach, and I am Sure that both of your parents love you with all of their heart. What I wanted to say is that even in divorce they will always be your family. Oh and by the way I know some awesome guy dads as well as awesome women mothers who are single parents.

Boy did your story strike a cord with me. After 25 years of marriage my now ex-wife decided that she wanted to see what it was like to be with other men. Talk about being blindsided, I thought I was on "Punked" when we were at the restaurant and she gave me the news. Seeings how I was her "One and Only" she felt that she needed to experience having sex with other men. I didn't know weather I should laugh or cry seeing how she didn't even like sex. Her psychologist had diagnosed her as being "Asexual" and that I deserved a metal for staying in the marriage for so long. After 25 years and four kids later she's now a cougar trying to "Find Herself" with many different men.<br />
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Wanting to save my marriage I read many books including "Woman in Mid-life Crisis" by Jim & Sally Conway. This book was a real eye opener and described my Ex and what she's going through to a tee! They said that some couples should be going to see a Doctor instead of going to see a Lawyer. Three years later I still feel blindsided and just like the book said, the damage is irreversible. The saddest thing is that a Family was destroyed over one persons selfishness.<br />
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Wounded for life.

I am so sorry this happened to you...I am seeing this happen with a lot of couples and it is sad. One starts to think the grass is greener and leave their spouse to find what they had at home was heaven compared to what the meet up with dating others.
I wish you the very best.

I've through this with my parents. I got the news about it from my Dad when he came to visit me at college. He told me about 2 hours before I went on stage in my first role in a theater production. When I was onstage I was fine. Inbetween my scenes I was backstage crying. Our makeup artist kept having to redo my makeup so no one but her would know what was going on. <br />
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It hurt, bad. It will hurt for a time. Remember it is THEIR relationship. You are not to blame in anyway for what went wrong or for whatever reasons they cite for not being able to work things out between them. Still love them both and know they are people who made the decisions they did. <br />
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Find someone to talk to and some friends who will check on how you are doing. You WILL heal from this, believe me, you will. God bless you.

You will definately go through the roughest patches,but...but, you should try not to sabotage the "dealing" process. Its going to feel like you have lost someone..i should know,iv been through it with my parents getting divorced when i was 22. You will have to be very very brave. Good news is, it will get better...slowly,but it will. Dont cower from the pain,be brave.<br />
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I am sorry your going through all this, and i wil keep you in my prayers.<br />
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God bless you.

My marriage came to grief after 40 years together. My children are 2 grown men. One 42, one 38 and a daughter of almost 29. Who doesn't speak to me. I have lost 9 years of her life. The most important rule, is never involve the children. Well that was what I felt. Such a terrible shame my husband didn't feel the same way. I agree with the comment above. It is easier to leave than to woork things out and even find some sort of friendship and respect for what we had. God Bless.

I put my duaghter through a difficult divorce she was quite young. I'm so sorry for your pain you are going through but hopefully you will reach out and get the support YOU need to get through this huge upset in your young life. Marriage is in big trouble in America and the world more and more people have forgeotten till death due us part. Vows are no longer for life. I know my husband bailed out when I got sick. There are thousands of reason to fail but fewer choices to pick to succeed. Your young and tender hearted be blessed and hang in there.<br />

You're right, my daughter grew up without her dad since she was 2. It was easier on her, but she grew up angry , angry against men in general. You had the love of your dad and mom for all these years. You know it has nothing to do with you, when a young child takes it personal. I know it is hard, I wish I had the perfect family too, I envied those that did. Spend a few holidays alone since there was no other side to visit. But you will just have to split your time between them. Split up the holidays. You are grown, you will have your own life. This was probably happening for a long time, you just didn't know it. Your parents were pretty good acting. But life is short, and perhaps they feel that there is more. Being with the same person year after year is hard work. Your parents gave it a good go. You dad sounds like he is having a much harder time.....don't let him isolate himself too much. Mom seems to have accepted it, some do. I am one that could not. I have been alone for 24 years. My daughter is now 24 years old. I know it sad for you, its like finding out there is no Santa.,.......its devastating. But your mom and dad still love you, that will never change. It is sad, an end of an error. But the love is still there, just changed. Don't let it tear you apart. You grew up with a dad. You won't grow up angry. Be happy for your parents and hope that they will find their happiness as well. They were there for you, so now its your time to be there for them. Both of them. I hope this helps.