I Left Out Details

that surface every now and then, even today.  They are the details that repeat in the form of unanswered questions and unexplained actions.

My dad had taken a job 2 hours away at a highschool, mid-year, and only returned home on the weekends.  It was between January and June that he had met this other woman, yet when June came, the entire family still moved - uprooted - to this new town.  My mom left all her friends behind, and so did we. 

Two months later, at the end of the summer, the new school year upon us in September, my dad told my mom he was leaving her.  He left us all in a half-built house 7 miles from town - where his new girlfriend lived and where he would now be living.  

He would be my new music teacher, and guess what?  His new girlfriend was to be my new math teacher.  He wanted me to get to know her!  Needless to say, it didn't work out, and after a few over-turned desks and her attempt to discipline me, I was in the principal's office awaiting a transfer into another math class.  

What was my dad thinking when he thought he could just move us all to another town and then leave?  It's still baffling and years have passed.


thinkingoutloud thinkingoutloud
51-55, F
10 Responses Apr 3, 2008

dad left when i was 8, now I'm 36... he never bothered about me. he never calls and never write, i grew up on my own as mum was always busy trying to earn a living. i only met my dad again about 9 years back. he baffled when i showed up in front of his door step after years of not telling me where he lived. my half siblings never knew i exist, they do now. i refuse to speak or even look at my step mom, until this year... i figured almost 10 years of silence she'd figure out i am still upset over the years.

BUT, i choose to be the bigger person. i started acknowledging her recently, that's that. the only advice i can afford to offer my friend is be thankful for the womb that carried you for 9 months, and be thankful even if your dad screwed up you are still alive. be the bigger person. I'm not telling you what you already know, all i am saying is we make things better for ourselves. forget about the past, as it will never change but there's always the future to look up for and thru experience we learn never to repeat history.

i hope my response in your note does not contradicts with your mind. be grateful, somewhere, someday, someone will be there to heal you. believe and understand that everything that has happened, happened and couldn't had happened any other way than it was already bestowed upon.

that is typical spousal "left behind syndrome"<br />
meaning when your dad asked your mom for divorce, he had actually left her emotionally years before and didn't have the balls to tell her he wanted a divorce.<br />
it took the false courage of another woman to bolster his ego so high, that the guilt of leaving his wife and family was lower than his want of Self enjoyment.<br />
<br />
It was also a divorce lawyer move... Divorce lawyers give advice about how to screw the other spouse all the time.<br />
1. if he got you to sell the old house, now he knows that house will not go to his wife and kids, <br />
2. he wanted to move, because he had no emotional commitment to the town he was living, or he may had had other affairs that would be pissed and tell your mom, or had friends and family that would show him(or shun him), for the piece of crap he was.<br />
<br />
now the new woman .. again remember he does NOT love your mother for years, this woman feeds his selfish self image.. so in his eyes She is perfect.. and since he Loves her for this... and its all about him.. how could you not SEE how perfect she is and love her to.. cause to him, your mother was most likely... a B**** and bunch of other names.<br />
<br />
in fact when spouses do this.. they are so in denial of what is really happening to their children(because they are all about "self enjoyment". She most likely heard only great things about you from him.. believed the lies he told her about your mom, and one of the most used lies is...."we lived separate lives and agreed to it, she doesn't love me and I haven't loved her for years, my wife is fine with me dating other women ect."<br />
<br />
And in some spouses minds they even believe their own lies after awhile..<br />
<br />
So, this woman believed what he said, (even though I imagine she was cautious and made her own rules in her head about what YOU (the unwanted n her new relationship), can or can not do...<br />
<br />
I can't believe your mom let you have her as a teacher.. <br />
resendency does not start till 6 months down the road, she could of easily moved back where she lived before.. and should of..<br />
<br />
Except for school, I imagine your dad's time with you really hit bottom, with him "finding himself again"<br />
my advice is, accept you lost your father when he physically left, and now what you see now is all that is left.<br />
decide if any of that is a benefit in your life as an adult<br />
if so..keep a relationship<br />
if not... then tell him the truth..<br />
and move on.. He did...

I think your father moved you all so that when he got a divorce he would not need to drive too far (for him) to visit you and have visitation. He was totally selfish in all his plans and decisions. If your mother and the Other Woman had been friends well what was his point in arranging that? He is mean. Hope you can find peace with this but My advice is do not trust your father, He is not a man of good character. Sorry. Hugs,

Really, you should just respect your parent's choices, and get to know the Math teacher, and allow him some happiness. <br />
<br />
That would be the Liberal answer.<br />
<br />
He should of course, be taken out and horsewhipped for his actions, disgusting that he has attempted this wicked action.

Man, thats tough. Hang in there.

OMG that is crazy. I mean I thought I heard it all, but that is pretty out there.<br />
<br />
I am so sorry you had to go through that. That is just terrible. <br />
<br />
I personally think you need a new school if possible. I would be making a fuss, and if need be blow the whistle on the whole deal to get accepted into a new school.<br />
That is hard to ignore, when your in the same school together. <br />
<br />

iwm: my mom thought we were just moving...as a family. We sold our old house, and my parents asked us, how would you like to live (where we cottaged every summer?) and of course, we all say YAAAAA, and the plans were made...dad got a job there, and mom thought she was just following the plans. It took 6 months to actually move, and mom still didn't know about this other woman until he told her just before school started.

no, not about that. That summer, he had even introduced my mom to his new girlfriend and we had all gone on her boat for a little ride. He was hoping they would like each other. My mom thought my dad was just introducing her to the new town and this woman would be helpful in getting her to meet new people and get her comfortable and oriented. <br />
I think his actions over the years have indicated the kind of person he is, although I'm not sure I really know him all that well.

wow.. that is just sick.. a boat ride together???
Your father is a lying manipulating piece of ****, and your mother was unfortunately very gullible to his true nature,
for him to be this bold.. you just know this woman was not the first,
your father was living a delusional life and deliberate calculated lie,
do you still see him?? Is your mother better now? she must of been devastated, and with her falling apart and angry (going through the stages of grief.. which is what it is you know... the marriage has to die in her mind and that takes time, sometimes up to 2 years for long marriages,
and him lying and acting all happy..
I imagine you just wanted to scream or cry.. why me??
I am so sorry so very sorry this happened to you

my heart goes out to you.

I wonder why your mom agreed to it. <br />
<br />
My parents divorced when I was much younger and I still feel the after affects...but you know this since we discussed it when I said I had made the decsion to divorce my husband