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I Am A Financial Argument

I am 21 years old and my parents have been split up since I was 3. They both fought for joint custody and it was split 51/49 to my mom. My entire life I have had the most hectic living schedule where I would almost got back and fourth between my mom and dads house everyday. Growing up my parents have been great parents to me except for the fact that they take their anger for each other out on me. They (my mom especially) expect me to choose sides. Nobody will take blame for their own faults. As the years have gone on their relationship has gotten worse. They no longer speak to one another because when they do it turns into a huge public verbal fight. As I got older around the age of 6 they made it my responsibility to be the messenger between them. The messages relayed were mostly due to money situations which brought arise to a completely new set of arguments and frustrations. I have grown up having to deal with the emotional beat downs from them that really only makes me realize that I am the common denominator between them and without me they would no longer have to think hear or talk to one another ever again. It's a really stressful burden to carry and I commend all of you out there having to deal with the stresses of your parents poor relationships. It truely affects all parts of you life and will never go away. But because of it I am a stronger and more independent person and I know you all are as well.
batteredsoul batteredsoul 18-21 27 Responses Jun 11, 2012

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I think there is only one thing in all this you are not right about. That is: You are not just the common denominator to them both to communicate. Actually you where used by them so they can keep on hurting themselve. REally!! If you´ve not been there I be sure they would've found other excuses to fight.
You know we (humans) disscuss a lot specially when we feel the other person is (spiritually) far from understanding us so we shout.
Kids should never be use to pass on messages.
but i´m glad you've become a stronger person.

Wow I feel really sad your parents put you through this. My own parents put me through a hard time as well, mine was more violence I could not wait for them to break up.I had to leave home first.

I am a parent now. I broke up with my sons father after 8 years together. We did not like each other, in fact we hated each other in the end and I felt scared of him. Our relationship deteriorated over time and by the end we had a young son. We obviously were not mature enough and not coping. I removed my son & myself from a bad situation. It took a few years but now we, his father & I communicate pretty well. Neither of us wanted our son to be affected by our relationship crap, we realised this would be detrimental to his happiness and affect his relationships in adult life. Now he see's two parents who can be friends. If we are well and making an effort to get along then our son is a happier child. We decided to get over our issues and put our sons happiness before our own :-) I wish other parents would do this more. Take care and always remember these are their issues and not yours. Be strong <3

i am sorry you went through this, when i was 5 my parents began divorce by seperating but my mother begged my father to come back after she claimed she was done having her affairs, my parents moved us kids to maine and they seemed to get better, but 4 months after moving there my dad died i was 7 then and my mother took her anger out on me because my dad had his will made out in the he left me all his life insurance and any money he had put aside for me, my mother would beat me and call me names, my teacher called social services and i was taken from the house and put into foster care, my grandfather my dads father learned of it and had his lawyer fight for my finances that when i turned 18 i could have the money, but because no one was aloud to know where i was after 4 years they gave it to my grandfather who spent it on cars. while in foster care i moved from home to home state to state, when i was 13 i moved into my foster parents ducky and geri in PA and geri told me a saying she told anyon she came into contact with that was hurt "I love you, thank you and Im sorry.. I love you because you came into my life, thank you for letting me be part of your life and healing and im sorry for all the hurt you lived through" that saying stuck to me til this day anytime i come into contact with someone who has been hurt i say it. when i was 14 i got ammancipated from the state ward and became financially responsible for myself because i had a babysitting job and a part time job at kmart i saved up my money so i can get my own place and become my own parent. the pain i lived through hurt me so bad i sunk myself into my school work and my jobs. over the years i secretly kept in touch with my sister who was my bestfriend, she died 10 years ago at the hands of her boyfriend im raising her daughter who is turning 16, after my sister died my mother and i began talking again and i found out she was dying, for a year and a half i took care of her by myself while she was dying, none of the other children of hers came to help her at all, its sad because it took 20 years to get an apology from my mother for all the pain she and my family put me through. i got the apology the day she died just as she was going out the door. 8 years ago. it hurts she never thought of the pain she was causing me when she did it. its sad because for years i wondered what would have my life been like if my dad didnt die? and they just got a divorce and moved on from each other? but you know what? i dont let it get to me too much because i have a kid who needs me to be strong for her. i never held anything from my niece afterall my mothers other children tried suing me for my house and tried getting custody of her but they lost, because they lost we had to sell our house and move to hide from them because they kept threatening to kill me and kidnap her. right now im considering to move again because im so used to moving and never staying in the same place for too long. we have been here for 7 years thats the longest ive ever been in any 1 place ever. what i went through made me stronger, i hope it makes you stronger too.

All I have to say is you poor soul! Your parents divorce was because THEY couldn't handle each other, not because of you. They have used you as a battering ram most of your life and you haven't exactly been holding up a hand and saying stop! While I am sure that they must love you (each in their own way) they couldn't help but use you for their personal messenger service. I would advise you to (especially since you are now 21 and majority) somehow get them together and tell them both at the same time that you will no longer be the relay between them. And tell them that it's not because you don't love them (you do) but it's because their constant squabbling makes it very hard for you to get on with your own life. Then, if you are not already, get into your own living arrangement somehow. You must do this for your own peace of mind. While my folks were not divorced, I have many friends whose parents were, and the one thing they said that made life difficult was having to be the messenger between the parents. The big thing they worried about was the reaction that would happen when the message was delivered. That is what you worry about, but hey, you just need to get away from this bad situation that you are in and not allow them to do this to you. If the parents still have advisors [lawyers etc.] helping them, get hold of these people and tell them that the folks need to lay off of you in the relaying of messages and use them as the go-between. In any case, you will do what you must, but for your own sanity, think about what I've said: you just may find that getting their problem away from you may be the best thing you can do for you.

Your story touched me. I am the parent in a divorce situation, and although my ex and I do not always agree, one of the major actions we have managed is to not use our daughter to get back at the other parent. I believe it comes from the fact that I work in the legal field, and I have seen parents use their children to rip each other apart. In the end, the one hurt the most is the child.



I want you to remember that this is not your fault. Sometimes people think to much about themselves, and do not realize that they are hurting the ones they love the most. It is human nature to let someone else take the blame because it appeases their own guilt for their shortcomings. Now that you are an adult, you can take what you have been through, and learn from it.



Hugs.

God bless you

Dear BatteredSoul and Other Children of Divorce Here,



Divorce, beyond being defined as the legal dissolution of a marriage, also has a secondary definition of "a complete or radical severance of closely connected things".



The first definition is done by the courts. The second definition is done by by some parents as you have all written here, without any regard for the children. I will never understand the benefit of a 50/50 custody relationship. You have mom's house and dad's house, but as a child, where's "my" house?



I wish each of your parents could read what each of you wrote here and you might want to consider showing it to them, because I am sure they have no idea how much you understood about their divorce and its affect on you. I think it is so great that you found The Experience Project and took the time to write out what it all meant and means to you and how it shaped your life growing up.



There comes a time in each of our lives to reflect on the negative effects of growing up as you have done here and find a place for them to be tucked away, far away. Then take all the pluses and start building on those because as an adult, we are responsible for the person we become in the future.



In some instances, it may be sitting down and taking control of the moment and telling parents, together or one on one, the bitter and spiteful way they chose to live their lives the past ("however-many-years-old-you-are-now") 21 years was a huge waste of time and not once can you remember the two of them coming together in a loving way to be a mother and father to you. They do NOT get a change to speak because on that day because you will be giving a speech and there will be no dialogue afterward because you want to leave them with your words to think about what they have done. You may want to write out what you want to say and read it to them and then leave them each with a copy.



You resent their selfishness in making you the pawn and the number two focus of their lives throughout your young life. Did they not see you trying to be what each wanted you to be? Drawn your line in the sand and tell them starting this day, you no longer want to hear ANYTHING said negatively by them about the other person. For you, it is over...finished. This is now your divorce of them. And because you are an adult now, if negative words are ever, ever uttered about either of them, you will be getting up and leaving no matter what the situation or moment in time. You will leave because those days are over for you and you choose to surround yourself with positive loving people. And in the future if you marry and they think there is any hope of seeing grandchildren, then they need to get it in check now because you will NEVER subject your husband/wife and children to mean spirited people coming under the guise of family. So it's over. Stop now today and work on yourself to be that loving person in my life void of your need to hang on to your bitterness for each other.



In life, we never get to choose our family, we only get to choose our friends. Choose your friends wisely. Go be happy and light and loved because you have earned it!



Love and light,



PJ

I tried so hard to encourage my sons to maintain a relationship with their father (they were 11 & not quite 9 when we split - they are 24 & not quite 22 now). There were some incredibly strained moments, but I tried my best to never talk bad about him. They do stay in touch with him, although I'm the default parent.



I'm so sorry your parents couldn't find a way to keep you out of it. I represent children in court whose parents are splitting up and I ALWAYS tell the parents to leave the children out of it. I don't think most of them listen to me, unfortunately, because if they could be civilized about the children they wouldn't be in court in the first place.



As far as not repeating the past, you'll just have to be extra mindful. I remind my sons to not make their mother's mistakes. You'll just have to remind yourself. You seem like you can pull that off! Just don't get too mad at yourself if you slip.

You sound very well adjusted for your age. I am a mom of a 26 year old girl and her father and I divorced when she was 2. The same thing happened; her Dad brought constant custody battles on us the whole time, even when she was 15. I put her in therapy at 16 and it came out that he brainwashed her and alienated her against me super bad. Now she doesn't speak to me anymore since last November. She is a a *very* independent girl, and I'm very proud of her, but doing this to me is so painful that I am not sure how much longer I can take it. Don't do that to your parents - no matter what. It sounds like they did a great job of raising you, despite the terrible struggles.

Your being used as a " Battering Ram " by either of them, to hurt the other is childish. There hurt should not be directed at using , to " Fan the flames of resentment" You have to remind them that you love them, but your role is not to be used as a " Club " of resentment , to inflict pain.. They need to talk about there anger , not to each other, and not to you.They have to dwell in the present. not rake up the " Hot coals " of the past.They cannot love each other, but they have to remember there role is to love you, what ever they think of each other now,cannot alter the fact , you are there child.

I'd put my foot down with each of them, and tell them the messenger service is now officially closed and if they have anything to say to each other then grow up and say it themselves.



I know you say they've each been great parents except for their bickering, but it's completely irresponsible to put the burden of their problems on you.



That's not great parenting, it's child abuse, and you'll be dealing with the effects for the rest of your life.



You may be "a stronger and more independent person" but the price is likely to be difficulty forming and maintaining relationships at a healthy level of trust and intimacy. Loneliness, rage, depression, sexual dysfunction, an inability to trust, and a host of other varieties of unhappiness can be traced to beginnings like these.



You should be PISSED at the pair of them.



To put it as kindly as they deserve, you've got a pair of selfish ******* infantile child abusing ******** for parents.



Show them this thread.



If either of them takes issue with what I've just said I'd love to have a chat with them.

I am afraid of the outcome of my future relationships and repeating history. I am pissed at them but nobody is perfect and nothing is going to change the past and I do not want to risk the relationship I have with the two of them. But the future is what can be changed and I think that in order to make things better it wont be beneficial to stay angry with the past because it can't be changed but to try and take a better path for the future.

I was in a bad mood when I responded to this post, and people mistreating children is one of my triggers, so I may have overreacted. I do think you need to set boundaries with your parents regarding what they say about each other around you. That's not going to wreck your relationships with them, though it may make for a few uncomfortable days. They're your parents, and in spite of the fact that they're irresponsible brats where each other are concerned, they value their relationships with you, probably more than they even realize. If they think their behavior threatens that, they'll change. It doesn't have to be a confrontation, just "I wish you wouldn't do that, he/she's my father/mother and it hurts me to hear you run him/her down." and "when you say that it makes me feel bad". Simply stating that you find it upsetting and standing firm on no longer functioning as a go-between should do the trick. They're not going to disown you for refusing to participate in their childish behavior, no matter how upset they might get. You're right in saying that living in the past is pointless, but if it affects the present it needs to be dealt with. You might want to consider seeking professional help with this, not because you're weak or crazy - forget the stigma because it's bullshit - but because this is a difficult situation that you may not have the background or training to handle effectively, and seeking assistance is the responsible thing to do. It's sad that the kid in this scenario is the only one acting in an adult manner, but... meh. Good luck.

I'm 25 and my parents split up only a few years ago. My sister has disowned my father entirely and I have been stuck in the middle since. My mother is also all about money, I had a job soon after I left school, I didn't enjoy it but she told me that relied on my money so I couldn't leave as I wouldn't find a job that payed as well. my mother constanyly moans about my father and refuses to move on. she says he drags me into it when the complete.opposite is true. At first I did sort of side with her but having lived soley with her for a few years (my. sister moved out for uni) I could see where my dad was coming from. she is controlling constantly wanting to know where I had been and who.I was out with. locking the house on me if I didn't come in on time (I was usually working on my car on the front lawn so.didn't have the house keys with me. It got to the point where I found any excuse to be out of the house much to her annoyance. She even expected me to take over the mortgage for the house and when I got a job at the same place my dad worked she would leave papers around on the jobs section and tell me about jobs in the area. I moved out to a friends once until my second job fell through she never once came to visit me but would go to see my sister in 60 miles away I ended up moving back as I needed somewhere and she had kept asking me to move back but it once again became unbearable so I moved to plymouth and again I don't see her unless I go up there or she wants something.

You have my condolences -- when I got divorced, I tried very hard to keep my son out of the cross fire - despite the efforts of my wife to draw him in. All these years later, he thanks me for my efforts on that.

Now he is getting divorced, and history is repeating almost exactly. Sadly, he tells me that he does have my example to go from - and figures my example is the best to use.

I -wish- this was a lesson he did not need to use.

That is one of my biggest fears as I get into relationships that I will repeat what my parents had.

You are not alone. Be strong!

@mgey you will always have that connection with your daughter's father but that doesn't always mean the relationship will be a civil one. If it does take a turn for the worst I recomend that any negative opinions you have about him you keep that away from your daughter, be the adults deal with disagreements between yourselfs and not in front of her and don't burden her with adult responsibilities such as finances while she is still young! I truely hope everything works out for you and your family it's a rough situation but you will make it through it. Always remember to stop every now and then and put yourself in your daughters shoes and see things from her side!

I am so so sorry for you. You are still very young and you will have to deal with all of this as you start getting in to relationships.

I am much older than you are and I can tell you that you should try to see a Councillor.

This will affect you own relationships in you life.

:(

well i have a 5yr old daughter and her father and I split 4 yrs ago..I kept trying to have a good relationship with her father coz i believed that although we had some arguments and now are separated..still we both have something that will always connects us..our daughter..maybe we can never be together as couples but at least we can be friends or even just for the sake of our kid be kind to each other..coz one time or another we both loved each other for us to have a kid right?? so yeah...i know how hard it is to be in between..i just hope ur parents worked it out..`ure already old so they better forget all about the past...and live with the present and think about how they made ur life not happy coz of them

Yes it's sad that adults don't realize a lot of times how hard it is on the kids when they split with hard feelings to bad more adults don't act like adults when they split a lot of time the kids act older and more mature than the parents.

Good wishes and strength to all that had to go trough that.

"But because of it I am a stronger and more independent person and I know you all are as well." -Batteredsoul



The above excerpt from your piece is commendable. Many in your situation have turned to be miscreants in the society because of their childhood experiences. But in your case, you were able to transform your painful experiences into strength and has remained strong as could be seen from your piece above. In my opinion, you chose a wrong pen name, "Batteredsoul." Your name should been Searock. Why? Because searock is battered by waves daily but it remains cool and strong. However count me as one of your admirers. Your children will be marvelous because of the wisdom and inner strength you have acquired through hardship and pain. I am beginning to think what will be of you on your wedding day. Will both of your parent show up? And if they do, will they pollute the wedding atmosphere? Start now to tell them how you feel about their long period of antagonistic lifestyle and see whether you can inject some degree of sanity into their brain to bury their hatchet.

Thank you I really appreciate your kind words. Ita funny that you mention my wedding because that is something that I something that I am so afraid of. Take into mind I am currently single and nowhere near getting married but just the thought sends me into a bit of a panic. I've thought well I can skip the ordeal and elope when the time comes but my family would be crushed if I chose that option. But then I think about having both sides of my family who are all very outspoken together in one place and all I picture is disaster! All my life I have tried my hardest to do things twice so that each of my parents can experience it but this can't be done. It's crazy when it crosses my mind it keeps me up at night and I am YEARS from it and shouldn't even worry!

@rhandel69 wow I couldn't even imagine how hard all of that must have been. But you have made it this far and I hope that you are in a better place with your life. Going through what you have gives you an outlook on life to hopefully try and live it better and realize what is important! I really appreciate you sharing your story! It truely makes me appreciate the love that I do have from my parents although it is rough I am lucky.

The greatest benifit I've gained from my situation is the maturity and responsibity that I was forced to learn from a young age. I do know what I want from a family im my future and I will NOT repeat my parents wrong doing with my kids. If things don't work out I will do everything in my power to keep my children out of the toxic environment that I am in. I always try to remind myself that I should be grateful that my both my parents love me and support me. Everyone makes mistakes and I can't hold it totally against them because neither of them have ever been in the situation that I am in so they don't realize how much it affects me. I dont know of a way to peacefully handle things at the moment so it will continue until I do and I need to be ok with accepting it. I thank you all for your responses and stories it helps to know others get where I'm coming from! I hope you all can keep your head up and try and stay positve!

I can relate to that, I'm 22 and my parents have been split up since I was 4 or 5, I can't remember. Your story made me smile since being the messenger is one of the things I eventually got used to and I'm still dealing with it. Concerning that matter even when I know there are many things which they tried to avoid for me, I don't think they have suceeded much at that point. Thinking about it I just wish they kept their arguments to themselves, but I don't want to be selfish. I wish there was a solution to our problem but I can't think of a healthy way of solving it.



I'm just grateful both of my parents wanted the best for me but that is such an uncomfortable feeling, however I think not only it makes you stronger and more independent but it makes you give more value to certain aspects of your life. It just gives you a different concept of what a home is and perhaps it's part of why I have a broad view of the world.

How were YOU responsible for paying back support that your deceased father owed? Did I read it wrong?

Growing up for me was,well hard. I'm 43 now,my mother drinks hard ever since I can remember,my oldest memories are my mother telling me that I was the result of the families trying to get my parents back together at a Christmas do.That was 1968,It didn't work out to well at all!. I've two older sisters from my same father.They parents divorced three years later,my/our lives where constantly being drawn in&out of the family law courts.My mother remarried a great man sum four years later. When mother demanded,my father gave. What ever she wanted he would bend over backwards to give it to her,my Dad never spoke badly of anybody!! Even my mother,my mums side loved him very much. My mother hated everybody,everyone,the fights over whatever she believed she was untitled to,money is her number ONE love!! &wine is close bye. My sisters&myself had dollar signs on us. My Dad committed suicide when I was twelve&my whole world fell apart,the money she was getting was gone! And I was to pay that money back from the day he died till the day I moved out of home,I tried many times to kill myself I'd either wake up being slapped around or go to hospital. PS: the beatings t would get when mother would drink,she would tell everyone I played football or do it to myself,falling out of trees,&it goes on&on.. My school reported her once&she told them I was an uncontrolable child the lied &so on,then I'd be beaten sum more,everybody knew butt nobody spoke up about my mother,nobody had the endurance of my mothers anger&the people she's get involved to help her.i moved out,or ran away at fifteen&stayed away,when I was 18 I found out I got an inheritance of $28ooo. The next week I got a letter from a solicitor suing me for back child support,from the time my father died till the time I was"" get ready for this,, I was 18 years old!!!

My parents separated when I was in my mid teens and that was unheard of when I was younger in Ireland. It was a relief though as there was constant bickering and an atmosphere that you could cut with a knife. However, I grew up and got married and had a beautiful daughter. Shortly afterwards things went downhill and the bickering started. One day I saw my daughter getting distressed as we were in mid argument and it all came rushing back to me. So I stopped and asked him what he wanted to happen. He wasn't willing to go to couples counseling saying I should go with his mother and then I would be able to fix things! My daughter was 2 and I was devastated but swore I would not use her or have her used and it has worked out well. She is 19 now and I have a great relationship with her and she has a great relationship with her Dad too. It certainly wasn't her fault we broke up and we both love her to bits. Your parents are probably unaware of the turmoil they have caused you so maybe it's time to sit them down and tell them. My guess is that they forgot to stop and look at things from your perspective. xx

I know how you feel... . My dad just stopped trying and hit the bottle harder. Mother used me to hurt him in the name of finance and control. Of course he's the bad man. Doesn't matter now, I'm 26 and he died 2 years ago. I didn't hear from him from 16-23... when he was dying.

I with I could say it gets better and I truely hope in your situation it does because I don't believe anyone should have to go through it. Know there's always people out there that know what your going through! Best of luck to you!

I was the parent in this situation and i know exactly how you feel guys. Divorce is hard, there's a lot of hurtful feelings involved in it. Children should not be a part of it at all. Its unfair to you, when all you want to do is be happy. The best thing for a parent to do in terms of communication is accept the fact that its over. Forgive and forget. When you cant be civil your losing out on your happiness. As well as the innocent kids lives. Communication between the two parents is a must when dealing with kids. I found it better to ask a mutual friend to give word to my ex. Parents have to grow some skin for the sakes of their kids.

I can honestly say you are not alone! My parents had a perfect relationship until I was 11 when they separated, ever since I have been stuck in the middle, I'm 18 now and it is only getting worse!

My parents split when I was 14 I'm 17 now and it's a complicated between them..they act divorced but they act as friends too. I am the only kid at home, my brothers are at Camp Pendleton, Ca. So I have no one to talk too

Same with me, acted like friends but I argued with my dad and then everything went up in the air! Add me if you want :)