The Inevitable Happened

I always knew it would happen, almost wished it would so things would get better. Three months ago my mom told me she and my dad were separating. Due to recent events this was not really news. Until she actually said "we are separating". My mother had been sleeping in my brothers old room for about a week, and it didn't hit me until that statement. That was the moment my world completely crumbled.

Lets start way back when, for as long as i can remember my parents have had screaming matches. I didn't think much of it until they started getting worse when I was maybe 10, I honestly don't remember. the years have melded into one big bad memory now. Things just seemed worse at one point. The yelling was louder, meaner, and more frequent. My brother and I hated the fighting of course. As soon as voices started to slightly raise I would be out of the room in an instant. I quickly, quietly slipped away, in hopes of escaping this hell. My brother usually did similar. Once safely in our rooms, whether it be our own, or if we decided to wait it out together, this happened not very often, we would blast music until the fighting stopped. I remember many days sitting right in front of the big old boom box I use to have, with my knees to my chest and my head down, just blasting music, plugging my ears to protect myself from the yelling and cursing. I remember doing this at a very young age, probably when I was six or seven at least, if not younger.

Also when I was that age is probably when I realized this would never last. Back then I didn't quite think "divorce" but I knew a couple could not fight this badly and still love each other and be together. I didn't acknowledge this back then though, looking back now I see that this doesn't surprise me, and that I did expect it to happen. In that week a few months ago when mom told us she was moving in with grandma, but before she left me and her did a lot of talking. Our relationship was already becoming closer before all this, but we spent especially more time together once we knew we wouldn't be able to much in the very near future. In one of our many conversations she asked me if i was shocked at all by this, my reply to her was "I've always known it would happen. Ever since I was young". She stared at me in shock. In shock of hearing the news that her child knew she and her husband would eventually break away from each other, this is a very stunning statement. I can't help but think the way I said it also had something to do with it. It came out as if it were nothing, it was so casual. I realized right when the words left my mouth how that must have sounded to her, but I couldn't take them back. I'm not sure if given the chance I would rephrase it. It was harsh yes, but it needed to be said. I know it hurt my mom, but I wanted her to know this wound was much deeper than it seemed.

Throughout the years we all had our ups and downs. There were years where it seemed the fighting didn't ever stop, and there were years we almost forgot about it. One thing I remember about my parents is they use to go out to dinner, that stopped when I was about, maybe 11. I knew that wasn't good. I use to see my parents showing affection for each other, then it seemed like that stopped overnight. All the signs started turning bad. The worst of the fighting always seemed to happen in the month of December, right before Christmas. About two years ago, everything was just going from bad to worse, I got yelled at late one night by mom, she had had a frustrating day with work, and my dad, and she lashed out at me, not purposely. But i remember being so upset. The next day I went over to my aunts, spent the whole day there. Seeking council from her, and I saw it as a safe haven. My aunt has always been very nice, and sweet. She loves her nieces and nephews and would do anything for them. After that day things seemed to get better, for a little while. Later they went right back at it again.

I have two best friends i was mainly talking to about this in the past few months. I mainly chose these two to talk to because they are not only best friends, but they each have gone through this. One of them at the age of 3, the other at the age of 8. It either late September, or very early October where each of them received a text from me, saying I was in the club now. They joked over the summer about how they were in the same club. The first who replied, my female best friend, it just so happens my two best friends are a girl and a guy, was perplexed and asked me what I meant. When told her I felt pity from her. She didn't know what to say, she knew my life was turning upside down into some cruel hell. When i told my guy best friend, I said something more along the lines of, "well it finally happened" he responded with " what did?" "my parents split." his first reaction, "are you ok??" he showed concern for me right away, this was a bit comforting since i felt like as of lately I was being tossed aside since so many things were going wrong. I think he even said he wished he could just give me a hug and help me. I told one other friend that day, she is also my best friend, but she lives four hours away and doesn't know what someone who visits your house would know. She was in absolute shock and said she would always be there for me. I felt very lucky to have three friends who cared so much about me.

Now, the experience of the "hell week". To give a little background, this build up started in the summer. my mom talked me into going to my grandmas with her, my grandma lives 5 hours away and we hardly see her. I was planning a trip up there anyways, but later and by myself. I finally conceded and went with her because there was no harm in an extra trip. we travel by train because my mom no longer drives on freeways, and I did not have a license at the time. So the time came for use to go home. My grandma drove us to the train station, and once we were on the train we waved out the window to grandma as it was customary to do so. My mom started crying and saying she didn't want to leave my grandma. My grandma is one of those crazy, awesome, spirited old ladies, except she married about ten years ago, and was now taking care of this now blind and invalid husband who turned out to be a jerk in his old age, and demanded all of her time. My cousins live with her also, but the both just take advantage of her completely, so my moms heart broke for her mom. After that she kept saying she needed to be there, with her mom. One thing that sticks out in my memory most are these words she said "After you finish this first year of college, I am going to move in with grandma". Ok, I didn't want her to go, but I could live with that, it wouldn't be until the summer of 2013 that anything would happen then. Well mom wanted to go back up to grandmas, so she took a day off work and went and had a long weekend there. about a month later she did this again, but had two days off and went up on a Thursday, and was supposed to come back Sunday. Sunday morning, just about the time her train is supposed to leave I get a call from her. The guy my grandma is married to is really sick. He's been sick and frail for a few years, in and out of the hospital, holding onto his life as best he could. Mom said it looked bad and they were going to take him to the hospital, so she wasn't going to come home. I talked to her almost everyday that week and every time we talked I asked when she was coming home. I missed her. She kept saying I'm not sure. She told me her boss wasn't very happy about her taking this impromptu extra week off, but really what could she have done? So by mid week she finally says "I'm coming home Sunday". Great, now i have something to look forward to. She finally comes home, and I couldn't be happier to see her. Something like the next day she starts talking about how she needs to go back. She was very happy down here, and had been for awhile. She had a job at a preschool whose kids were practically spawn of the devil, and a boss who was cheap and a snake. When she got back in town she let the boss know she could work again, she worked a few days that week, with hours way cut back. It was finally the straw that broke the camels back, she couldn't take it anymore, she was one of the hardest workers there and got almost no recognition for it. She decided she needed to turn in her resignation, so she did. She discussed this with my dad, and some stuff with me, and said she was going to move in with grandma. She needed to get out. So she bought another train ticket up to my grandmas. But this time, it was a one way ticket. She arranged to have me drive her to the station the morning of, we always take the early one out so we can be there early in the day and not spend it all traveling. We had to leave before 5 a.m. My dad got up that morning too. He drove the three of us to the train station. The moment i got into the car tears started making their way into my eyes. Mom knew it right away as she somehow always knew when I was crying. The trip to the station was the longest drive of my life. and it was mostly silent. Get out of the car and i go around to her side and wrap my arms around her. both of us trying to hold back tears. a few minutes later we walk over for her to get on, they check your ticket before they let you on, so she got her ticket checked and was saying good bye. for the first time in years my parents hugged. My dad later told me "that was the first time we've hugged in years. and that's a damn shame". But it was true, throughout the years i saw small attempts from both of them to fix what was wrong, but nothing ever worked. this was it. I couldn't help but think they should have tried harder. She shouldn't leave, they need to fix this. But my reasons for this were mainly selfish. I wanted them to be together so I would be happy, but i knew all of us wouldn't be happy, no matter how this plays out. I am glad my mother is happy, she deserves it after all the unhappy she dealt with for so many years. I am young, I will find other happiness in my life. I will have a husband of my own someday. Back to that morning though, I remember seeing her get on, and watched as she went out of sight. I couldn't stop crying, nor could my dad. suddenly our family was broken and scattered. my brother was not very affected by this, he is older, has his own apartment, and was not as close to either of our parents like I was. But he does understand, and if not for him knowing everything I went through, I probably would have snapped long ago. When my mom was out of sight we started texting. she was crying, as was I. We finally arrived home, and I got back in bed eventually, after talking with my dad, and giving him a hug that told him we will be ok, as did the hug say the same from him to me. In bed i kept talking to my mom. I layed in bed for over an hour texting, and crying my eyes out. Finally we both decided to sleep. My pillow was drenched in tears, my cats knew something was wrong. They keep waiting for her to come back. She loved them the most out of all of us. Four months now, things are slowly changing. during my month off of school for winter i went to visit her. things were just weird. Christmas was even stranger. Everything still feels so new and fresh, but also like its old, and way back in the past. It has been almost a month to the day since I last saw my mom. I have never gone so long without seeing her, but things change. This whole situation will change one day. I will move out sometime, and be away from both parents.

I have learned a lot from this whole experience. Many things I didn't realize I needed to learn, and many things that everyone should learn or know. I have felt the pain of divorce, I have seen the pain it can cause, on both parents and children. I have learned ways to do things, and ways not to do things. Most importantly, I have learned what to look for in my future husband. My dad and mom married at 30 and 20 respectively. a 30 year old is much different from a 20 year old. does this mean they can't love each other? of course not, but being so young, the 20 year old needs to make sure they can keep this commitment forever, if they feel intimidated, it can wait. their partner should understand if it is really love. Isn't that what we all want? True love? Knowing this person is there for us forever and will do anything for us always. I know that's what I want. And I know it must exist. I will not settle for anything less. I also learned how I want to raise my children. My husband and I will never fight in front of them. We will never raise our voices at each other in front of them. I don't want them to know the pain I felt at a young age. Its unbearable. I couldn't live with myself if I made anyone go through that having first hand experience myself. They say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger", I can't find a more truthful phrase. That says it all, if you can live through whatever crap is going on, then you will come out of it even stronger than you were. There is always good that comes out of bad situations, even when we can't see it all, we just have to have faith, and continue on. I apologize for this being so long, I had a lot of built up hidden feelings that needed an escape. I feel better having gotten them out. And I thank anybody who actually spent the time to read all of this. And if nobody does, well that's ok. I did this for me, not attention. I simply needed to let my feelings out, mission accomplished.
happyinmyskin happyinmyskin
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 24, 2013

Thank you for sharing! stay strong!