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I Drift When I Hurt

I got two emails yesterday from people I haven't been in touch with personally in over a year. Both of them have heard through the grapevine that I am not doing well. One of them heard about my big seizure a month ago, and the other heard that I was found at the park in tears by a mutual friend the other day.

When I am hurting and my heart feels heavy, I tend to drift away. I'm quiet, serene, and I hide in a virtual cave. I don't pick up the phone or send out emails unless it's to respond to someone, I don't go knock on someone's door to visit unless they insist I come over. If no one were to contact me, I'd be a memory who has faded off into her own world. Customers & bar patrons are the only ones to see me, unless a friend or family member stops by the office to collect a hug. And after they leave, I sit here, and try really hard to fight the tears.

This morning, it's taking everything out of me to fight the tears. My heart feels heavy, my soul feels empty, all I want to do is crawl under my desk and break down. Yet, I need to try to be strong for those who walk into my office this morning.

So, my friends...please, if I don't keep in touch, please know that it's not you. It's just that I'm hurting, and I tend to drift off because I just don't want you to see me this way.

Here come the tears again....
silentwriter180 silentwriter180 41-45, F 3 Responses Aug 26, 2012

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Soooo,sorry honey to here this,,i feel so sad for you,,hope you doing well,,and yes i do understand your drifting as i do the same myself,,and i know,,my friends tell me not to do it,,to contact them,,but i feel as if i would be a burden,,,do you feel like that pet??,,i know sounds stupid,,some one telling you to contact friends,,when i do the same,,but please do,,do not be on your own,,,kisses honey,,take care,,

I do that also. I becamea virtual hermit for a few years when I could not deal with some things following my father's suicide. My son died 2 weeks before I moved from IL to KY. I don't have the tears. But I do understand the withdrawal when hurting. I wish I could hold you and let you cry. My shoulder has felt many tears. I have no answers or words. But my spirit is reachign out to hold in silence as you let your tears out. You do not need to fight them. And, you do not need to perform or do something or be a certain way for your friends. Friends want you to take care of your needs first. They will still be there.

Thank you, honey. Means a lot to me. {{{Hugs}}}

*hug you*

Thank you!!

no problem .. we all go through tough times like this in our lives and sometimes we just need a hug :)