I Drift When I Hurt

I got two emails yesterday from people I haven't been in touch with personally in over a year. Both of them have heard through the grapevine that I am not doing well. One of them heard about my big seizure a month ago, and the other heard that I was found at the park in tears by a mutual friend the other day.

When I am hurting and my heart feels heavy, I tend to drift away. I'm quiet, serene, and I hide in a virtual cave. I don't pick up the phone or send out emails unless it's to respond to someone, I don't go knock on someone's door to visit unless they insist I come over. If no one were to contact me, I'd be a memory who has faded off into her own world. Customers & bar patrons are the only ones to see me, unless a friend or family member stops by the office to collect a hug. And after they leave, I sit here, and try really hard to fight the tears.

This morning, it's taking everything out of me to fight the tears. My heart feels heavy, my soul feels empty, all I want to do is crawl under my desk and break down. Yet, I need to try to be strong for those who walk into my office this morning.

So, my friends...please, if I don't keep in touch, please know that it's not you. It's just that I'm hurting, and I tend to drift off because I just don't want you to see me this way.

Here come the tears again....