Just Cant Get It (time & Time Again) !!!!!!!!!!

Ok well im gonna try this for the 1st time because I need to vent & I dont have anyone. Im a white 43 yr old day to day dope fiend - career criminal who has spent most of my life behind bars. Since the age of 16 my life has been consumed by alcohol, drugs, & crime. I have been in numerous rehabs but the first time I got pissed or didnt want to hear something I was packin my stuff and walking out the door. This usually happens between 3-9 days. I simply just couldnt handle it. No matter how bad I wanted to stop. And I nevwr cared about the repercussions of being locked up again. But something happened not too long ago. I went and completed a 90 day program. First time I ever completed anything besides a prison term. The minute my parole officer took me thru them doors I made a 180° turn around. I asked her to put me in a program. Ok so I got into praying on a daily basis, being a role model to dam near everyone there, all positive things I was doing on a daily basis. I thought I was filling that void I had inside me. I finished the program and for once in my life I was actually happy. I had gotten a new family and friends. But I still had that lonely feeling inside me. That feeling of needing compaionship. Because I spent most of my life living in a bathroom with another man. So I get to sober living and looking for work which is dam near impossible if you have criminal record, tattoos everywhere, or if you dont know anyine. So all I worked hard to get I gave up and got loaded. That was a month ago. And I been trying to get back in the doors again. Been getting the runaround frim one program after another. Finally decided that my best bet would be to go to salvation army. Butt its so dam hard to clean up and not use for 3-4 days so I can get in. So here I am starting over. Straight miserable,lonely,hopeless, all that. And all I wanna do is stick a needle in my arm. I kinda died down from crimes a lil bit because the next one is guaranreed a life sentence. I already beat life sentence twice. But when I am hooked on drugs I have to take them chances sometimes. Im stuck instead of being locked in a cell, im locked in this lonely room thats supposed to be my home. All this house I still live in my whole life reminds me of is drugs & crime. So im trying to make it into this program by friday. And I just want to say thank you to whoever reads this. I dont want anyone to have to feel like I been feeling for the past 30 years. I know once I make it in the program ill be alright. Just have to make it in there first.
ndlnmyarm ndlnmyarm
May 13, 2012