Going Down

When I was younger, I wasn't what you would call skinny. I had a chunky build and didn't think anything of it. My parents introduced me to fatty and unhealthy foods and to me it became easy to not eat well. I loved eating and it didn't really have a bad affect on me. By the time I was going into sixth grade, my body was changing. I began to gain the pounds. I kept on pushing it to the back of my mind and kept on eating. However, I started to become depressed. That was also the year that my brother lost a ton of weight. He used to be really fat and he couldn't take the crap he was getting from everyone at school so then he lost all of the weight. He became obsessed with food and wouldn't eat the foods that we used to enjoy. He would only eat the "healthy stuff." My brother even took up running and became skinny and more popular. While I was getting hardly any attention from anyone. I enjoyed being invisible in the back of the room minding my own business. I had absolutely no self confidence at all. The tables had turned. I used to be popular and have a lot of friends. Now my brother was the popular one and I was the one being made fun of everyday for her weight. I needed it to end. 
So, weight loss became MY obsession. I began gradually introducing new foods and working hard to get the body I dreamed of. In eighth grade, people began to notice. They were telling me how great I looked and how pretty I was. Guys started to notice me more and I opened up more. However, I still didn't look the way that I would like to. I became a vegetarian in hopes to become even more healthier. But, the worst was still to come. 
High school began and new worries about my body erupted. I became more self conscious. I began counting calories and had to work out at least an hour a day sometimes more. Whenever we went out to eat, I didn't order by how good something sounded, I ordered by how many calories were in a dish. 
After a while, my weight started to drop quickly. I was excited and felt like I had control. My parents started to notice of course and started nagging to me about how I don't eat. My used to be skinny brother was once again putting on the pounds and looked towards me with disgust as I would pick at my food as if it were a nuisance more than an enjoyment. 
More recently, I had random binges were I would eat everything in sight without thinking. I would grab and devour. There was no thought process to it. I began to live in fear that one day of eating 1200 calories would cause me to gain weight. Yes, 1200 calories. My stomach got all bloated and I felt sick. So, I threw up. I have never felt so relieved and it made me think that I could eat what I wanted and not gain a pound. I could go on these binges and be fine. I recently had a binge when I couldn't throw up and the next day I couldn't bring my self to eat breakfast or lunch. I finally had to eat because I felt like I was going to pass out. 
I am just getting worse and worse and I need advice. There is no way I can keep this going. 
Sorry if there were any grammar mistakes, I typed this really fast! 
ineedhelp8988 ineedhelp8988
May 14, 2012