Trying To Find Myself

I have always been a bigger person, when I was younger I would wish that I would wake up the next day and I would be a skinny person, to be normal. In my finial years of high school I decided enough was enough and to commit myself to losing weight.

With perseverance I managed to lose 50 kilos. Things were going great, I was healthy and so proud of myself for all I had acheived. Until my mother started excusing me of being bulimic. I felt like she was constantly judging me, every time I would eat, if it was something unhealthy my mother would make some comment that would be an attack at me. Eventually she got the rest of the family on the '***** is bulimic wagon'. It was horrible, one of the worse times of my life! There were only my sisters who I could count on for support but eventually I caved and began binging on food.

It was a vicious cycle, one that I felt I had no control over and couldn't stop. I would buy a large amount of junk food; I would eat everything to the point of feeling sick. Then I would feel numb for a time, then I would feel guilty, then I would hate myself which lead right back to binging again.

Four years have passed and I have put back on all the weight plus more. I'm in a place where I feel I have better control over my Obsessive Compulsive Eating Disorder but there are times where it does get the better of me. This disorder has a hold of me for so long and in some ways it still does. I just want to feel like myself again, I want to be healthy and I want to get there without fear of being judge.
MariaCo MariaCo
22-25, F
3 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I hope you'll get better and believe in yourself once again!

This is what happens to me! My mum wants the best for me but she accuses me of not eating properly when i sort my eating out into a way im comfortable with! if i eat too slowly for her liking, she believes im becoming anorexic again. I had a fabulous month of eating and i think my weight would have gradually started to get high enough for my periods to return as i was eating normally. Now i binge and cry a lot of the time and i have out on so much weight because i wanted to make her happy and feared rejection. My own happiness has depleted. I feel like its fine if im fat or overweight because im unlikely just to drop down dead. My mum doesnt view binge eating as such a serious disorder as anorexia. I wish i could show her it is.

It's normal to get bogged down by people closest to you. It's like they're afraid of you getting better, for some reason! It's weird. For me, it's my husband. Whenever I eat healthy or look skinnier, he brings my favorite foods home. Sometimes I think he purposely picks on me so I would get upset. When I'm upset, it is VeRy hard to control my eating. I think they call these people 'enablers'. It's sad, it's wrong but it's normal, unfortunately.