How I Think It Began.........

It all started when I was a child I am in my late 20's now. the first time I ever remember throwing up I was about 8 or 9 years old maybe younger and it was pretty scary for me I was not so sure what was happening to me just knew most of that day I was not feeling well then later that night finally got sick. After that was years before I got sick again but this time it was worse I was at a friends house and started feeling sick I got VERY SCARED and called my mom to come pick me up I began to panic moms came to pick me up then I went home and got sick more than once it was TERRIBLE I was so scared it just was the most horrible thing I thought could ever happen to me. Later on in life things got worse I always had this fear in the back of my mind of getting sick then one day when in school a freind of mine had a really bad stomach virus and she came to school talking about it  she was not 100% better yet and I was just terrified of her because I felt as thought I would get it so I did not play with her talk to her much or anything of the sort.

 

Then one day she came around me to play with me or something then she touched me and that was it I told myself I got the virus now when in face I did not but I convinced myself that I did and then made up in my mind that I was never going to eat again because I felt like if I don't  eat I won't get sick there won't be anything to get sick from. The mind is a very powerful thing and if you tell it something over and over again it will begin to believe it I then from that day forward did not eat anything all I ever did was drink fluids i was on ensure for months on end had my mom and family members so worried about me I then became depressed and just really sad my body then got so use to not eating that I no longer became hungry or had an appetite it was such a bad and sad time for me and it all started from a lie I told myself really a fear a phobia that just held on to me for dear life. There were nights I would get scared in the middle of the night thinking I would just get sick or that something bad was going to happen to me it was just awful I remember the 23 rd psalm use to always calm me my mom would read it to me sometimes in the middle of the night if I got  scared.  Now in my adult years if and when a panic attack should accure I would read that very psalm it's one of my favroates most of the time it would calm me of nothing else could. I was sick and  without food cause I choose not to eat for about a year maybe a little less it was a trying time in my life a time I would never forget and a time I fear will happen again being that I am not fully cured of this phobia. I often wonder what would happen if I were to ever throw up in my adult years I already told myself I just wont eat anything ever again I would do as I did before and GOD knows I can't do that that's not way to live............... although I have felt nasuase since being an adult I have never actually threw up but I was terrified that I would my panic attacks was so bad and pretty intense I could not sit still I would pace back and forth.... play with my hair do anything but sit still it was just so bad so the point my heart would race I would feel hot and so not at ease I hate that feeling.

I know getting over this will take time my faith in GOD and prayers of freinds and family helped me to begin to eat again with out this constant fear of what if....... I would start crying and have this urge of not wanting to be alone when I do have a panic attack my last panic attack was not too long ago I had one this year back in Jan it was not too bad but bad and I think my worry and panic made it worse than it had to be I cried heart raced it slowed me down some got me a little sad and just not wanting to eat anything much but I am better now I pray and ask GOD to keep me close I bind my mind to his mind when I feel those thoughts coming along . Before I knew this had a name I just use to say I was anerexic but that my anerexia was a "different kind" cause I knew I was think and full of bones I never thought I was fat actually I hated how I looked I wanted to have meat on my bones.... but it was just so hard to just eat as I normally would. Now that I now this has a name it all makes much more sense to me and like a dear ladies story I have already read I too felt so alone and thought I was all alone in this like no one understood.  To this day I am still scared of it if someone I am around is sick or feels sick I do not want to be around them...... I am afraid to see it or afraid I will get what they have I just want it to end and stop.... also I one day have thought of maybe having a baby but I am just to feaful to have the whole morning sickness thing, even thought my mom tells me she never had it with me I am still scared so I am very unsure of having a baby ever in life. I do like kids but just afraid of that... possible morning sickness I wish there was no such thing. I have no idea when I will overcome this but by the time I do it might be too late to have kids I do have a lil yourkie she is my baby =)  I may end up adopting maybe just maybe but I would love to OVERCOME this GOD knows I would and I have faith that one day I will one day soon I can't loose hope. so today I eat lately it has been a but more of a worry than it normally had been but I must have faith in GOD that he will get me through this. Well that is my story this must be the BIGGEST fear I have I once told myself I rather die than throw up that's when I knew this was something HUGE. Please feel free to share and let me know if you can relate ............................ Well that's all for now thank you and GOD Blessss MUAH =))

thecompassionateone thecompassionateone
26-30, F
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

Hello, Thank you sooooooooooooooooooooo much for your kind words and for takin the time to read my story GOD blesss =)