My Boyfriend Wrote 'I can't get over the fact that I'm fu@#ing a fat chick' About Me...

My boyfriend John is lovely…kind, gentle, highly intelligent, artistic and creative. He lets me be me and accepts me for who I am, personality-wise anyway. He seems to “get” me- he gets my dark side, gets my borderline slapstick-silly side, seems to respect my intellect and my independent nature, understands my sometimes tumultuous past, and seems to genuinely love me. He’s my best friend, the man I can’t wait to talk to each day about anything and everything. He loves my daughters and they love him. But there has been something wrong, one major factor in our relationship that he and I just can’t seem to get over, and that is the fact that he is attracted to and only turned on by very thin women. Not just very thin women, but women bordering on or well within the range of being underweight, yet somehow also magically endowed with large breasts and perfect waist to hip ratios. In other words, not me. While I have a large chest and once upon a time had a perfect waist to hip ratio, I have not been thin since I was about 15. Childbearing and weight gain have destroyed my waist to hip ratio.

​This would not be so bad if I was not aware of his sexual preferences in women. Unfortunately, I am reminded of it every time we have sex. He either can’t get it up to begin with, or, more often, he can get it up but cannot finish. He acknowledges the unfairness of it- he claims to hate it even. He wants to love a woman for her personality, DOES love me for my personality. He says that I am beautiful and hot, but my body just doesn’t do it for him. Rare is the woman whose body actually DOES do it for him, and then there is no guarantee that they will get along or that she will want him in return.

​So I have been trying like the Devil to get into shape. Counting every calorie, working out almost daily, and agonizing over the scale. To give myself some credit, I had lost about 70 pounds prior to meeting him, and 10 pounds since. I need to lose about 40 more. While his lack of attraction towards me has hurt me to no end, I was dealing with it okay up until last week, when I read something he wrote that I fear has erected a wall between us that may be insurmountable. He wrote:

“I just can’t get over the fact that I’m f*#king a fat chick,” and also “I have an almost constant desire to bolt, to find anyone hotter and skinnier than her.”

How did I come across these words? I did something I’ve never done before and snooped. Plain and simple, I was driven by this awful feeling in my gut that things are not quite right between us to look through his email one day when he left himself logged in on my computer. I found an email he wrote to himself, much like a journal entry, in which he was sorting through his feelings for me. He said some nice things about me too, expressed his love and admiration for me. But those two lines, along with some other things he said….to say that they hurt is the understatement of the year.

To me, that line- referring to me as a “fat chick,” trumps all of the nice things that he said about me. He summed me up as this female archetype that comes to mind when people think of “fat chicks”- fat, lazy, goofy, not serious, not feeling, gross, undisciplined, etc. Gone, in that statement, was the Jennifer who is a PERSON- a hardworking and loving mother/daughter/girlfriend/sister/teacher who is intellectual, passionate, spiritual, resilient, giving, etc. That Jennifer left the building the second she was described as a “fat chick” who he is somehow forcing himself to fu@#, probably while working to keep the bile down in his throat as he wills himself through the act.

Maybe I had no right to look through his email. Maybe I got what I deserve. The truth is though, it doesn’t matter. The damage is done. I’m hurt and I’m angry, and it’s becoming hard to hide. I haven’t told him about it, just had a talk with him about how the sexual situation is hurting me more and more deeply as time passes. The irony is, he seems even more loving now, almost desperate to maintain closeness and to keep me. He says that he can sense that there is something wrong, and he seems fearful.

The way that the anger has me thinking is also morphing him into a negative stereotype/male archetype for me, too. I have known from the beginning that he is not perfect- his worst fault seeming to be a bad case of Attention Deficit Disorder that makes it hard for him to manage his life. As a result, he’s messy- super messy, and extremely slow to get things done. He also has a hard time getting and maintaining a decent career path. He stresses out over feeling like he can’t manage his time and his life and he becomes highly cranky and can be difficult to be around because of it.  Not to mention he is about 30-40 pounds overweight himself! I used to look at those things as paling in comparison to all the things his personality has to offer. I love HIM, not the sum of his strengths and weaknesses. But his summation of me, as a “fat chick,” is provoking me to think of him as a “lazy, fat slob” instead of as the man that I love who happens to have some faults, as all people do. I have a sick desire to label him right back, just as he labeled me. It makes me angry that he obviously believes that he deserves perfection from a woman, regardless of his own imperfections.

Part of me wants to tell him to go to Hell, to laughingly tell him that if he thinks he can find a perfect woman who wants him back, go ahead. Better yet, go find a woman with a perfectly hot body and have lots of awesome, wonderful sex. Then become disappointed as you realize that you have nothing in common, or watch her become disillusioned with you and dump you. The irony here (among other things), is that he’s not even that great in bed when he does get it up- mediocre at best. He’s pretty much just a missionary man, likes to cut to the chase. Not much touching and caressing, kissing all over, etc. There are some good things that he does, things that really turn me on. He’s an amazing kisser, and I love the feeling that the man I love is at one with my body during the act. I do not have the requirement that my life partner is the best lover I’ve ever had. I just need lovemaking to be there as an expression of feeling and love between my partner and I. But now, I don’t even feel that. I don’t want to have sex with him now because it feels inauthentic, like something he’s forcing himself to do while biding his time, waiting for some alone time when he can ********** while thinking about other women.

​I hate this, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to try to force myself into a decision, and am planning on just letting this simmer in the back (or front) of my mind until I know what to do. Although I just read it a few days ago, he wrote that email over a month ago, after what I remember being a night where we had some type of disagreement. In that month’s time, he seems to have grown closer to me and has complimented me a lot on my appearance, even though the sexual problems remain. Part of me wants to see if I can achieve the ideal that he wants, but before you scream “those are the wrong reasons!!!” let me add that the main reason for me trying to do that is for my own psychological well-being. I NEVER, EVER want this to happen again, never want to feel this awful about myself. I’ve always heard people say, “you have to do it for yourself, not for anyone else,” and I can say with 100% certainty that I am doing it for myself. But if somehow we can overcome our sexual problems and he can feel more attracted to me, then maybe that will be an added benefit.

But part of me wonders if I will ever get over this or forgive him. I can’t blame him entirely- it seems like his body feels what it feels as far as attraction goes and that he can’t force himself to feel differently. But that doesn’t change how much it hurts, and it doesn’t change the fact that I feel labeled as a “fat chick,” stuffed into the narrow, ugly box that is that archetype. The darkest part of me even desires to get hotter than Hell, then not-so-kindly remind him of all of his imperfections and make it a requirement that he change them all in order to keep me. But when it comes down to it, I don’t think I could do that- it’s not “me.” I generally accept people’s flaws because I see the good in them as being so much more powerful than their flaws.

I don't know what to do.....

jenniferk32 jenniferk32
31-35, F
2 Responses Dec 5, 2012

This is sad. I have been both the fat person who wasn't desired and the thin person who didn't desire her partner. In the end, I decided it was best to stay single. WHR matters more than anything, and even when thin, mine is high, so mutual physical attraction in a relationship isn't possible for me.

In my opinion, I think you shouldn't let what he said to you get to you. People who are close to you, your friends, your family, etc. have more than likely done something 'seemingly unforgivable' at a certain part of your life. Does that mean you'll hold a grudge against them? No! You forgive them for whatever faults they have done towards you, and vice versa. If it bothers you that much, I think you should really go talk to him about it. If you think the consequence would be too destructive, then I suggest forgetting that he even said that about you. He probably didn't want you to read it, it's just a way for him to express his feelings. It probably wasn't a good idea to snoop around either, if you're not prepared to handle the truth. In conclusion, I think you should just forgive him, accept the fact that sometimes he himself can get insecure about the current relationship, and move on since that incident was already a month ago. If you happen to catch him looking at other women, tell him that it's not appropriate to do that, at least when you're around with him.