A Place To Call Home

Does anyone really understand what I have been through and why I am who I am?  if they did would they accept me for who I am?  Since I was a little kid, i felt I never belonged to the humane race.  No one gave a dam if I lived or died.  I raised myself emotionally from around 10. I could type a book on the emotional abuse I endured but thats not why I am sharing this. I am sharing this because I want to know that I am not the only one.  in my mind, I gave up on people. The only one I felt knew what I was going through was Christ.  So, I focused on him.  I never dated, kissed, held hands ... no physical contact with a man or woman until i was 30 years old.  and THEN all hell broke loose.  I COULD NOT GET ENOUGH OF IT.  IT LITERALLY CONSUMED AND CONTINUES TO CONSUME ME, WHENEVER I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP.  I BECOME VERY OBSESSIVE AND POSSESSIVE.  I HAVE BEEN IN COUNCELLING NOW FOR ABOUT 10 YEARS FOR THE ABUSE I ENDURED, BREAKING DOWN WALL AFTER WALL.  GUESS WHAT??? ANOTHER WALL!!  HOW CAN I DESENSITIZE MYSELF OF THIS EXCRUSIATING NEED FOR LOVE, SO THAT I CAN HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP??  BY THE WAY, I AM NOW 43. 

justacidathart justacidathart
41-45, M
5 Responses Feb 12, 2010

I related to so much of what you wrote. Raising myself emotionally, finding the words of Christ very helpful (especially the Beatitudes), not getting enough. What I realized for myself is that despite all of that physicality, that amazing intimacy, it just didn't ever serve to do what I hoped it would do...though maybe at 48 it's not so intense, that incredible knot in my stomach. Even after being married, I find myself back where I started. And what BAARS said, that it is difficult for a person with EDD to truly give oneself over to another, only to will oneself to do such a thing...reveals it's truth to me...I now hope that grace and forgiveness, kindness and understanding, can get me through well enough until my end...one thing, though, from just spending some moments on this site, it does truly help to not feel like I am the only one, thank you everyone...

I never knew I had this disorder and then I met someone who totally brought it out in me. The most abusive awful hurtful guilt ridden ridicule for so long. I am a female and live with my family. I love them so much but dont know how to show them or to feel it. My priorities seem screwed up. No one believes or understands this disorder very well. Trying to believe that God loves me is very difficult. I am sure that many people who wind up committing suicide have this disorder. I literally feel pulled apart...empty inside....yet I know I have a lot of love inside of me....also a lot of anger, I dont sleep very well with/without medication. Does anyone know how to deal effectively with the anger? I also am anxiety ridden....I know my father has it but he is older and I dont think I should tell him. He is managing. People say things like just grow up....but when no one ever teaches you the right way to live it feels impossible. I just keep trying to remember that we are unique and are Gods children. I hope and pray for all of us with this condition. My appearance is suffering deeply from this. Even the people I have opened up to about this cannot understand it.

I so understand what you are saying. I also struggle with so much anger and feel pulled apart by the pain I'm in. God bless you - we feel so alone don't we.. people say things that just hurt and misunderstand so easily so I stop talking to people even though I struggle every hour of every days it seems... you're in my prayers..

Hi, you are not alone, how much I can relate to what you are writing, and HOW MUCH I can understand you...<br />
I have no Christ, though, to comfort me...<br />
When I was a young girl I would do almost anything to make smb to like me. But later on, after being hurt so often and so deeply, so my attitude to people had changed by itself, I became colder, something died inside me. <br />
I would like to have a partner in my life, but how ? I do not trust anybody.<br />
That's tragic

justacidathart, you are definitely NOT alone. I also raised myself emotionally from a very young age and can relate to much of what you said. People that haven't experienced 'growing up' like this, really have no concept of understanding what it's like unfortunately..the degree of damage a childhood of pain in a sea of unloved wreaks on your life and basic functioning. :( What has it been like, going through 10 years of councelling for this stuff?

i never knew it was a disorder like that.i feel a lot of what it is about.it seems like i can relate to what you're going through. i just can't communicate with people i fear to get hurt but i still want them.this weight of always thinking what to say so i can be accepted is really hard to carry.people avoid me like i'm not from this planet and they're right partially.i can never relax around them.i can never be my true self.i'm still having a lot of issues that prevent me from living normally.and i still believe in Christ.i feel like just He can release me from that.i hope one day we will be able just to be our selfs not trying to always please someone. appreciating the way He made us and loving our selfs.don't give up.keep trying to change something.i know it's easy to say.how many times i've heard that and i thought-you all know nothing about what i'm going through.but still we need to hope.have hope.and hold on to Him.<br />
take care.