No One Listens Will You?please...

this fake smile i wear with tears streaming beside it is my respond to life,such a beautiful lie. i need help now i have no one to tell.i feel alone cornered no where to go i feel like im in a box.No one trys to listen.i feel like i can trust no one.My father is just unbearable at times he claims that my mother,siblings and i blame it all on him well its not my fault we live in a small house that can barely hold us,that he ignores us,that he is most likely having an affair with another woman! i mean some nights he leaves at 10 or sooner and arrives at 5 or 3 AM giving us the same excuse that he ran into his "buddies" hell we even found condoms laying in his van and he gives us the excuse that he doesnt now anything about it and its not been the only time we have found those.My mother she really does care about us she has tried to put up with him but my mother is at her breaking point,literally,she caught the disease that my grandmother had,the same one that ended her life.My grandmother died last year she lived such a sad life my grandfather treated her badly called her names and such till her death he realized what a jerk he had been.I DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO MY MOTHER, i am scared that one day my mother would get really mad and get a stroke.my mother trys to keep up with us she is raising 4 children including me by herself with little help of my father i really look up to her she is my hero.Sometimes i lay awake and wonder if i should fear death or love it because it will take my pain away. i know i sound like such a spoiled brat but i am thankfull for what god has given me.My father may be a snob but he is my father and i love him .i feel numb i dont know what to think or feel no more so i dont care that i have been called ugly,fat,stupid BECAUSE I AM ALIVE,BECAUSE IN THE END IT DOESNT MATTER WE WILL ALL FACE THE PAINFUL TRUTH DEATH,but i am not scared because it will probably be for the best.
CrAzyWiRdO CrAzyWiRdO
18-21, F
Nov 6, 2013