Endo & Me

My boyfriend broke up with me today. We've had sex 7 times in the past year, so I really can't blame him for bailing on this relationship. I'm 41 and alone, nothing left but me and my endo. Ha ha, that sounds so sad and pathetic - although it's pretty accurate.  Me, my endo, and its attendant chronic effing pain. I'm so tired of it. I'm so tired.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis in June 2004, during a laparotomy to remove a 12 cm mass that turned out to be an endometrioma, plus my left ovary which it had completely engulfed.  Based on symptoms - intense periods, chronic pelvic pain - I surmise that I've had this condition since I began menstruating. My Doc says I have cervical stenosis - the opening to my cervix is too small.  I've never had children, never been pregnant at all (and the surgeons say I've probably been sterile for years due to scar tissue). So my cervix never had a chance to do its proper job - open up, that is.  I wonder if that caused a backflow of sloughed uterine tissue into my pelvic cavity. My Doc didn't really seem to know.

Over the years my pelvic pain has become a constant, and at times is so severe it literally takes my breath away. The worst is when it feels like a butcher knife up my rectum - all I can do is rock and cry until it subsides, sometimes hours later.  It has interfered with my work, ruined my play, and most significantly it has robbed me of Sex.  I have zero libido, no sexual desire or response at all.  I don't lubricate, and I cannot climax. I've joked that I would be better off as a nun - and honestly, lately it isn't so much of a joke anymore. I don't see any man willing to completely give up sex; and if I never have sex again it will be too soon.

I eat advil and tylenol like candy, and I'm worried about my liver and kidneys. I haven't found any other way to dull the pain - and that's all any medication does, just takes the edge off. I wish I could take opioids, but they break me out in a rash and make me puke. At least I'll never be a junkie...  but sometimes I'd almost trade a pain-free life for self-medicated oblivion.

catlynn catlynn
36-40, F
1 Response Feb 10, 2009

do you still want to ty to hav kids?<br />
if not i would suggest to get a hysterectomy.. <br />
since you are kind of older, but still have some life to live. im sure that would help so much.