I Never Got To Hold Her

In 2007 I lost both my baby sister and my niece.

Both I and my paternal baby sister had daughters in 2007. Her pregnancy was normal, mine was high risk. Her daughter born in September and mine in November. Her daughter was her first child while mine is my third but only girl. My daughter was born with Hydronephrosis in her right kidney with an extra ureter that did not drain the urine but held it. She was put on antibiotics immediately after birth. The surgeon wanted to wait until she was strong enough for surgery. Due to the high risk pregnancy I was scheduled to have her earlier than her due date and was forced into having a Cesarean. My third child birth but first Cesarean.

My daughter was two weeks old when I got the call that my two month old niece passed away -- cause undetermined. I live four states away from my baby sister and was out on maternity leave without pay at the time. I had enough money to get there but not there and back. My step-sister and her maternal sister decided I would take care of the trip there and she would cover us getting back.

In order to do this I would have to leave my sons behind. I've always known funerals to take place within 3-4 days after the death so I wasn't concerned about missing my first born son's birthday or my daughter's doctor appointment with the urologist.

We got to Des. Moines within 15 hours after receiving the news but it was at least two days before I saw my baby sister. I had no gas money, I didn't know my way around or where I was. I was staying with my step sister at her best friend's house who immediately turned me into the babysitter while they came in and out the door with cigarettes and weed around my new born baby. In addition, I was not able to soak. Anyone that has ever had a Cesarean knows that you have to soak multiple times a day to expedite the healing and prevent infection. Well her tub was black. She had her son clean it then it was brown.

No one was communicating with me and I became very worried. They treated me like they were all I had. I contacted my childhood bestie and told her about my situation. She met me and put gas in my car so that I could follow her back to her house--which only had a shower but my daughter was away from the smoke.

I made calls to find out where everyone was the next day to meet up and finally see my baby sister. When I arrived, I walked into a tense and loud conversation about me. Some people rolled their eyes, some gave blank stairs. Remember, there are two sides to every story. The story that my step sister was telling painted me out to be something I can not describe because I was not privy to the information. One thing I can say about blended families is that they are hard and when they don't work out you find that you are nothing to them quickly.

My baby sister grabbed my daughter and had her for the entire stay--which wasn't long. A group took off to see the deceased but no one informed or invited me. I didn't know and my feelings were hurt. I'm listening to my step sisters talk about how tiny, and this, and that. My heart bled. She's my niece too. Of course being out numbered I kept my mouth shut.

I called my supervisor and daughter's father and let them know what happened. Between the two they wired me enough money that night to leave.

Why did I leave?

Because it was a Thursday and the autopsy would be on Monday with the funeral plans for at least a week out. I couldn't stay if I wanted to. I left my sons behind so my step-sisters kids could fit because she had no one to keep her kids. I had to get home to my sons, the doctors, a tub, etc.

I loved on my baby sister until about 3 am and I got on the road.

Once I made it to the state line I called to check in. That was the last nice conversation that my baby sister and I had. She disowned me for not staying for the funeral.

If I had stayed my daughter may not be here today. Days later they had a power outage that lasted ten days. But I was selfish in her mind and anything else and everything else could have waited.

I tried a few months ago to reach out to her but she wouldn't hear of it.

It hurts so much. I love her but to her I am dead.
Fuknhugme Fuknhugme
31-35, F
Nov 28, 2012