Now Is Life And Liberation Also There Is Habitual Forestalling

So I eventually (after a referal through the NHS from my psychiatrist with Early intervention) I got as far as having an assessment with a jungian therapist. My intuiition was confirmed by the end of the assessmnet. I will not receive treatment at this time. I have been depressed and had began smoking cannabis again as a way to pass time of sorts even though I am completely aware of the detrement this has on my revival of self. I succumbed to the initial seduction of a good social high smoking with friends, which would be all well and good if it were left to infrequent ocassions, though in my household there are other regular smoker's and the activity becomes a communal repetition. I then Isolated myself because while around others I continually aware of my disastisfaction with my state of affairs (yes through my own self sobotage!) and the environment I'm in. All the energy and determination had dwindled while trying to maintain paralell lives one based on my habitual living the other on intuitive learning, expansion through emotional maturity. Both it seems cannot be concurrent when my habitual living is numbing and has an air of hypocratic toxicity that makes the higher path unsustainable.

I must state I do not feel denied treatment. The therapist was empathetic to my circumstances. I feel I failed to actually discuss why I was persueing analytical therapy, jungian in particualr. based on my experiences I thought it would help me embrace my future with less fear and aprehension to discuss psychic content and situations, especially around the time of April/MAy as I was in quite clear communion with the subconscious (that once again I am developing my relationship with in order to accept the potential perturbances in the future). This was the time I was seeking help privately, unfortunatley it wasn't to be.

So for now it seems I need to continue to adjust my day to day life and take control to eliminate addictions and cultivate a healthy life style.

I'm trusting my intuiition more and more and I am steadily recording some of the thoughts, revelations and conversation that pops up. It seems to help.

Something I've noticed - When I stop smoking cannabis if I have been smoking heavily for over a week I have a dream of shame and embarrasement as I have a mental breakdown in front of everybody while smoking. I had a similar dream twice now. Vivid dreams like this leave a mark. I shall heed this recurrent warning.

I must admit I feel less like I'm trying to control an illness now and life is much more about my personal developement. Spiritual development.
yawningfrog yawningfrog
26-30, M
Aug 18, 2011