I Battled Psychosis For 3 Years

Awhile back, I battled a psychotic episode for almost 3 long years.  I thought for the longest time that I had schizophrenia, as having psychosis is like being schizophrenic.  It seemed to occur when I had alot of stress in my life.  Money problems, friends leaving, marital problems, my son being autistic and so on... I guess my mind just could not take anymore. 

I won't go into all the details, but I was very paranoid.  I thought constantly that the government or someone else was watching my every move.  I felt like people laughed and talked about me everywhere in public.  I felt like everyone was staring at me with dirty looks and wanted to hurt me. I feared being kidnapped when out in public. It was hard to just go to the store.  I couldn't look at peoples' faces for fear they could read my thoughts.  So, I wore sunglasses alot so my thoughts wouldn't escape through my eyes.  I felt that people could suck the thoughts out of my head by looking into my eyes, like a ray.

I hallucinated alot.  I saw shadow people running through rooms.  I saw many things like once I saw a demon trying to get into my house that looked like the creature from the old 80's movie, 'The Gate'.  I saw a giant black praying mantis once in my doorway. I saw objects move on their own, patterns move around like an acid trip and a celebrity's head once came out of my bathroom wall.

I hallucinated with smells too.  I would smell flowers, food that wasn't there and burning sensations. I heard voices calling my name, cats meowing, banging, knocking on doors and walls and other stuff.  I also had tactile hallucinations--people touching me with noone there, being breathed on. etc...

I felt that I was being given signs from someone about things that were going to happen through emails and the actions of birds.  I felt like black birds would bring bad news.  I saw them everywhere. I felt like an entity was trying to take over my body and make me do something crazy that I couldn't control.  I could actually feel like someone was crawling into my body through the top of my head.  It was really rough when I would be in the store and this would happen.  It was the worst feeling imaginable.  Completely indescribable.

I was suspicious of everyone.  I thought everyone had hidden motives and that someone wanted to poison me.  I thought my hubby was buying drugs and spending money on some other woman, although he gave no signs he was doing either of these things.

I was afraid to answer the phone or door. I had alot of severe anxiety and panic attacks. I would freak out everytime someone knocked on my door and hide.  I would peek out the window and think it was someone wanting to shut off my utilites or kill me.  I also thought possibly it could be the government coming to take me out.  I was a total wreck.

I also had problems talking even more than I do now.  I had thought blocking.  I couldn't do much without becoming very confused.  I was foggy in the head alot.  It was a horrible time in my life.  But, to me, at the time, I did not feel as if I were sick.  I just felt that I was different. 

I got better through medication.  Antipsychotics and other pills saved my sanity.  I have yet to have another occurance, but there is always the possiblility for relapse.  It took a long time, many doctors and different pills to find something that worked for me.

haydenrules haydenrules
31-35, F
14 Responses Feb 9, 2009

It must be pretty hard living day by day with psychosis that bad. I have mild psychosis, but I don't get them very often. Sorry you have to go through this.

Your story is similar to mine! It's like your mind shuts down and adopts every irrational thought that we have suppressed or come into contact somehow.

What medication did you take that worked ...I am psychosis and would like to know :) I have not had any luck finding the right medication.. and I am still suffering from psychosis it has been three years for me as well...

it's good to know that I'm not alone.... someone else experience psychosis....I hear voices mostly....And I completely understand what you're going through... I am glad you are doing so much better now.... hopefully I will find the right drug to help me....

I saw the shadow people too and knew that my mirrors were portals that the demons were coming through to pull me under. It was terrifying and lasted about 6 weeks before I finally broke completely and was hospitalized for 3 months. Sometimes it tries to creep up on me (I have PTSD which keeps me in a perpetual state of hyper-alertness) and when that happens I take a 1mg Xanax or Risperdal.<br />
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Diagnosed as Bipolar 1, DD NOS and PTSD

A trip is a perfect way to describe a pyschosis, one big long scary out of this world trip..i think everyone who goes through it has such a unique story to tell that most people couldnt believe or understand unless they have exp somthing similar themselves. At first it felt like it was part of an evoloution and not many people will get there but looking back it still seems so wierd one of the things i posted on facebook as i first slipped into it thinking my whole life had lead me to this point of evolving was what a trip guys what a f^&king trip. Looking back now it still seems like some huge trip my mind played on me.

Yeah psychosis is a trip isnt it? Its like the devil is in your head trying to trick you into killing yourself. I luckily survived a suicide attempt without any major permanent injuries. And I wasnt even depressed, I was just thinking some crazy ideas. Some funny ones were that a bomb was planted in my TV set to go off when I turned it on, and one time when I was eating hamburgers with my family I thought they had butchered some guy and we were eating him instead of beef. But the major theme unfortunately in almost all my psychotic experiences is that of suicide, and I dont trust myself off my medication. I went off my meds for one day and I was already thinking about committing suicide again.

Check with DHHR also about getting a medical card.

Try DHHR maybe they can help you with a doctor, plus some accept payment plans. Yes, I loved 'The Gate' too but don't think now I can ever watch it again. lol... I really hope it gets worked out. I know that even when you know it is not real and still tell yourself that it is still hard to get rid of the feelings that come with it. It was like that with me. No, you are not alone. If you ever want to talk about it, I am here. I hope mine never comes back. It is the worst experience there is.

You need to go see a doctor ASAP if you are wanting to kill youself or feel someone else want you to do it. Please, a good idea, would be to go to the ER. You need your dosage increased. <br />
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I was on perphenazine and it really helped me. I know how you are thinking and you will not believe it, but you have to tell yourself it isn't real. You have to try to believe it when you are having a hard time. Tell yourself it is all in your head, as friend, it really is. I had the exact experience that you are having although the details were different. <br />
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It's not real. It's your brain. Please try to talk to your doctor right away!!! Do not end up like me and almost kill yourself.

Thank you for the kind words, but really I have tried 'god' before. I will pass.

GOd bless you and your family. I am really happy that you made it through. I just wanted to tell you that i will pray for you. ALTHOUGH the pills worked, i just want you to know that there is a everlasting medication,. It is God, he is the only one that can heal you completly. Confide in him and you wil see God bless! (((hug)))

Thank you guys for the kind comments. yes, having a psychotic episode while trying to raise an autistic child is VERY hard. I don't know how the hell I managed to do it.

I wish all the best for you. To come through a terrible illness like that shows your strength. I look up to you for that.