St. Patties Day Break Down

Well, I'm big on St. Patrick's Day. So I had the whole day with friends and came home and Steven bought me a twelve pack of Irish Beer (which was amazing). We hung out and I asked if we could take things to the bedroom and he shot me down cause I was drinking. I didn't understand why he was being like that, and it really hurt my feelings cause we don't sleep together all that often. And I need it a lot more than he does. So he explained he won't touch me if I've even had one sip. I can respect that one. It's okay. I understand why now, and it's actually horrible. But for respect out of him I won't post that story.

Anyways, I ended up breaking down in the room and crying. Because I don't understand why he is like he is. I want to. And he told me that I never could possibly grasp exactly why. Just like he could never understand my depression. And it's true, in the end we can't explain the emotion. The pain is so great that no word could ever explain it completely. I told him that i needed him. I was so afraid that i was going to lose him. We're all moving to Phoenix pretty soon and there was a real possiblity that he might have to leave for six months to Alaska for work. That was a striking blow. Because I had to let my family go. It may be screwed up, because my dad only has six months to walk unless he gets an operation done. And I wont be here for it. I'm pushing them away because thats what they did to me. Now all I have is Steven. And although I'll always have him, that depressed voice in my head keeps telling me that I'll lose him. And it eats at me.

I told him that my depression has taught me that I am nothing to everyone. I'm not worth anything. And that I was expendable and only useful for what I could give. At that point he grabbed my face and looked me right in the eye and told me that the next time I feel like I"m nothing to the world, just to think of him. Because I'm something to him.

And at that point I broke down into a leaky pile of goo. He got me a cup of water and lit me a cigarette and held me for a long time. I can't take away his pain. But I can try to dull it. I can love him with all my heart, and live day by day with him. Off into eternity. I've finally let go of my past, and of our past too. I've confronted my present and took it in and breathed it out and it's like this huge weight has been lifted off of me. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I have to let it come to me. I have him, forever. And I know that for the first time in my life that I am loved. I think I can live with that.

Until next time, Shelly...