My Mother Is Narcissitic And Does Not Respect Personal Space

My mother is driving me crazy. For years, we have lived together and financial reasons force us to stay together. She has unhygenic cooking habits and the things she buys takes up pantry space and fridge space. It just grows and grows and she hords it. If there is a sale, she must buy 50 bags of coffee. The meat she buys often sits in the fridge, bleeding all over the produce and fridge. Sometimes she'll buy food that only she eats but in volume enough for a family of 6. Yet she will get distracted and forget to cook it till it is at the point of rot. Then she will cook en masse, use up over half the pots in the kitchen and then leave them on the stove when she is done. It is driving me nuts. I am seriously considering buying a second fridge. However, that does not fix the root of the problem which is her use of money and grocery shopping as a way of stress relief. Seriously feeling rage over this.
makingzen makingzen
1 Response Nov 27, 2012

Actually, your title better encapsulated the nature of the general problem, the crux if you will, than your summary. The mismanagement of finance, as is being a thoughtless and careless slob are symptoms not the problem. You" hit the nail on the head" with Narcissism. When she's done with just whatever, it is (metaphorically) tossed over her shoulder. A Narcissist is like that: use and discard. Follow through is not something that matters. That's what others are for. Also at issue are boundaries, that is to a Narcissist, yours don't exist, and in a way (as a separate authentic person, not a character in their play) neither do you. Attachment is not respect. To them, they are the only (metaphorical) driver on the (metaphorical) road. You will feel like "Hello! I'm here too!". Though you didn't mention here, I wouldn't be surprised if the idea of your privacy is disallowed. Have you noticed your things "rifled through"?
I can imagine that it took effort for them to accept that you didn't like what they like, which would explain why they "buy enough for six"because they assume and expect that you do, because they don't know where they end and you begin. Most sad is that without empathy, they can't "put themselves in your shoes", so telling them how you feel might get lost to them in what sounds like just fault finding or blame, and they don't hear your feelings, they hear their shame (shame avoidance fuels narcissistic rage) or with non-emotional empathy lackers it sounds technical: like a specific example, a mere description of a problem. You might as well be telling them the chair has a broken leg. And they don't see their contribution to that problem. Litterers are like this.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Message received. come to think of it, yes, I do notice that my stuff is rifled through. She's denied reading my mail, yet somehow, she knows things about my personal finances that I never share. I also think there is more to the "shame avoidance fuels narcissistic rage" statement that will help me deal with these issues. In the end, I bought a second fridge and feel enormous relief. I still find food in my fridge that is not what I eat or meat or food in my freezer. This is a point of conflict that has existed for over a decade. The dynamics of who runs the household has taken a long time to settle. I am thankful for the anonymous, raw venting relief and removed feedback that this forum provides.