Nobody will read this. It's gonna be so long.... Maybe I'll just type it for myself. I'm divorced a year in September. In around November last year I was paired up with a guy at work that I had seen around the office but never really knew. Tbh, was just sort of indifferent about. Just a dude in my department that I didn't happen to be buddies with. In fact looking back my first memory was of him passing me in the hall and he said hey to me. He called me by my nickname, he pronounced it wrong but still... I wondered how he knew my name.. My only other memory of him at work before we "knew" each other was wrapping a present for his wife. He asked me and another coworker to help make the office-made gift wrapping prettier. So we got some colored printer paper and made some cool ****. It was real fancy. ;) I remember saying he was gonna get serious brownie points from his wife from all our hard work.. It didn't stick out in my mind or anything, just dawned on me later.. I guess several months after the random present wrapping for the wife we were paired up for a job. In the beginning I knew I just loved him. And I mean in a friend way. We connected instantly. But then I was suddenly attracted to him in a different way bc he is absolutely hilarious. He is one of the smartest people I've ever met. He gets me like nobody else on earth. His appearance became more noticeable to me after some time. He has the most piercing blue eyes I've ever seen. They seem sad sometimes though.. He didn't share a lot of personal info at first. Actually, I felt like he was my Dr. Phil for some time. He's married, obviously.. Two little bitty kids. One STILL under a year old. So I guess she had to be a newborn in the beginning of "us." Ugh I'm only just now realizing that. Even though I was clearly attracted to him, it was not even a thought in my mind to act on it. Or to assume he'd be thinking of me in any other way than his kinda cute and funny, slightly younger, untouchable coworker ;) I knew he was attracted to me too but I just thought it was understood it'd go no further than big buddies. Bc he's married! I always have automatically assumed married men are 1000% off limits. So my mind wasn't in any other place than "too bad..." I had just accepted the fact that was territory I'd never be able to explore. Anyway, I told him all my crazy stories of single life and really confided in him ab my insane ex husband and my beautiful 5yo. We swapped cute kid stories. Laughed constantly. Quoted stupid rap songs and shared all the music you can imagine. Got along like PB&J. Until one fine day I was telling him ab an upcoming blind date, expressing my concerns etc. He stops and says he better make a move fast bc his "window is closing." What! I was so taken aback. Like hold up-you're actually considering me? I mean, we had sent emails and msgs at inappropriate times of the day for a married man and single coworker to be in communication. But honestly, I just thought we were becoming great friends. And yes I did wonder if it was inappropriate. I felt like it was harmless. Again, I recognized my attraction to him but continued to brush it away. Until he said that thing ab his window of opportunity. I remember exactly where we were sitting and his face. I was shocked and flattered and, unfortunately, my interest peaked. I remember telling him that his window didn't exist bc he's married. To which he responded something like "I know, yeah yeah yeah.." After that it was different for me. I knew something was there for him too. I guess the messages progressed. It's all kind of a blur. The flirting progressed. We sexted, duh. Then began the touching.. He would move my hair out of my face and off my shoulders in my cubicle! He is so brave. He'd do that little graze thing people do.. We started taking every single lunch together. And then..... We started taking the stairs together. Omg. He kissed me there one night when we got to the bottom floor. He turned me around and he kissed me! It was a sweet, sweet kiss. I didn't feel guilty during. I did after. Wondered if he did too. We texted later ab it. When I asked what he thought he said he liked my mouth and figuring out how it works. I should point out (if anybody is even still reading this novel) that he had mentioned that he was in a sexless marriage. They had been trying for baby #2. And since the wife had become pregnant, the sex stopped. The first kiss was just the tip of the iceberg. We had to take long car rides just he and I for work some times. There was some fooling around.. Then one day he tells me he found us a "place." The top of the stairwell. Between the roof access and the top floor. He knew nobody went there. I assume he had been surveilling the spot. So we met there several times a week.. Sometimes even for lunch. SO HOT. Oh myyyy... Nobody has ever made me feel the way I felt in that dingy, clammy stairwell. Never actual sex but as close as you can get. Always felt guilty afterward but my flesh wanted him more than my conscience wanted to be clear, sadly. He paid a visit to my house. Condoms in tow. We had decided to take another step. We sat on my love seat for oh idk.. 3 hours before he pulled me to him for a kiss. Which led us to my bedroom. We had waisted so much time being nervous 15 yr olds and dancing around the reason he was there that by the time we made it to my room we only had ab 30 min before both of us had to leave for different obligations.. So we fooled around, did nothing new.. Still no sex. Once again very hot. I remember the way he kissed me before he left felt different. Whether it was anything more than a physical "relationship" to him at this point I wasn't and still am not really sure. But for me it felt like falling in love. Yikes!!!! Don't like to have that in print. That was the only home visit. Probably bc it was really hard to get our schedules together. We had lots more stairwell fun. We talked all the time after hours. Then I got tipsy one night and texted him "I miss you :("
He had been drinking too and said something stupid like he couldn't even stand up at that moment. That he def didn't know how to respond to that. Needed to lay down.. Etc.. We never brought it up again. Time passed and everyday I was getting deeper into him. Finally, tipsy me again (bc apparently sober me doesn't like to ruffle his feathers), I sent him a msg that we need to talk. He says "you're dumping me" I replied with a frownie face. I asked can't you tell I have feelings for you? And he says can't you tell I feel for you too? I said it was different for me. He said he can't "allow" himself to go there. I already knew that. He said he had butterflies too. And that we needed to quit each other. And we decided to do that while remaining friends. We're still on the same job at work. We did good quitting the hanky panky for a while. Couple months I guess. I have been dying inside. Think ab him constantly. I dream ab him. First person I wanna hear from at work. Every sound my computer or phone makes I'm hoping it's him. I miss him, miss his touches. He messages me at work a few days ago. I'm not sure how it came back up. But he asked what I missed most ab our encounters. To which I replied with a very vulgar answer I shouldn't say here. He says him too. But he misses the "deep kissing.." most. Sighhhh.. Anyway he ended up groping me like old times at his desk.. Then also like old times- I went home alone and he went home to his perfect little family. I didn't hear from him that night. I expected to. This million page essay is to say.. Sometimes I feel like I'm in love with him. Every man I meet fails in comparison. Nobody does to me what he does. I know it can never be. Once, he told me he wasn't sure he loved his wife. He claims he's staying in his marriage so he doesn't lose his kids. I understand that bc I have 50% custody of my own precious baby and it kills me when he's gone.. I know it's wrong to have acted how I have. I feel bad for it. I need to figure out how to quit him for good. For everybody's sake. It's hard when you see that person everyday. And they're still the same beautiful, funny person. And every song reminds you of them. And they still look at you that certain way. And you know inside they feel for you too. I got nothing left to type. I do wonder if anybody will read this til the end. Goodnight.
Shinyspiral Shinyspiral
26-30, F
Aug 31, 2014