It Would Be Better If...

I wish I would just feel NOTHING when I thought of him, instead of feeling either love or hate.

Sometimes, I miss him, and my heart fills with the love we had.  I rembember how it was, how we were together, and I want it again. 

I know, I know, I should be over it by now.  Way over it.  He dumped me months ago, and didn't even have the balls to really say "goodbye". 

I think about the things he said to me, the promises he made, the plans we shared, and I get mad.  I wonder where the heck he gets off doing that to someone.  I get about as close to hate as I'm capable of.  Probably not close enough for some of my friends who have thought up many creative ways to "get even" with him for hurting me. lol

Which is why I wish I could get to NOTHING.  Nothing would feel so much better than loving someone who dumped me, or hating him, which is so hard for me as a person.  I don't like feeling or thinking badly about anyone.  Including and especially him.

He was the best of all my days.

The ******!

Bluebie Bluebie
46-50, F
30 Responses Feb 22, 2010

Well let me know when you know for sure Bassy. I would love to come up, but I'm not sure I can manage it financially... I have a lot of big expenses at the moment.

I think in Sept sometime......

Hugs back atcha Marcus! Thanks so much for your comment, Hon :)

Great to hear, Blue...*hugs* :)

Thanks Marcus. This story was written in February, so I think I have come a long way since then. It doesn't effect me so much anymore, really. He will sneak up on me sometimes, and I will have a pang, but mostly I am just living my life and having a good time with it. Hugs, Hon.

Hey Blue:<br />
<br />
I am sorry to hear of your continuing struggle. Not sure if I can really add anything more to the pile other than to reinforce what others have been saying about staying busy, doing your thing and keeping up the fight. <br />
<br />
One day, you will be so far on your new path that it will actually hit you that memories and reminisces of that previous person and that other way has little, if any effect.<br />
<br />
I would argue that it has little effect now, but given that you are having those feelings, I suspect it's up and down for you right now. <br />
<br />
This will change, too, with time.<br />
<br />
Sincerely,<br />
<br />
-marcus

You are no such think as anywhere near dorky Sylph. You are too cute, girlfriend, and make me laugh often. I was just telling another of my ep friends how much I value my friends that have the ability to make me smile. Hugs girl.

Hey girl... at least I made you laugh... sometimes my naiveness makes me look dorky... <br />
<br />
But you laughed... *faerie smiles*... that alone makes up for my dorkiness...

Wish I could! When are you going?

I'm not sure.........going to visit BF in NYC. Wanna come???

You are such a tease with the coffee crisp Bassy! When are you bringing me one? :) You know I love your Rockin hugs, Hon. Thanks.

Hugs from me too.<br />
And a coffee crisp :)

LOL Sylph. Here's a hint. The PG version would be "sucker" Know now? ;)<br />
<br />
Thanks for the hugs girlfriend. Getting a little better every day. Hugs back.

Until now, Bluebie... *tight hugs... rubs shoulders*... <br />
<br />
I tried to decipher the ******<br />
***** doesn't seem to do it.<br />
*scratches head*...

Thank you Longrun. I get closer to that nothing every day. You are a dear friend. Hugs.

Thanks Weneedeachother. I'm sorry you have to deal with your own kind of heartache. People do what they do for all kinds of reasons, good and bad. All there is left is to keep moving forward through life and have faith that everything is for the best in the long run. Hugs.

Thanks Rog. I believe that things happen for a reason, and even though I haven't quite figured out what the reason I had to go through this is, I know it's there somewhere. As for now, I am not really looking for anything steadfast, or for anything at all. Just dating and having fun and enjoying life as much as I can manage. Trying to pull the good stuff out of every day. Hugs, my friend.

Well, Rog, if his feelings were misunderstood, it was by him as much or more than by me, since he was the one who initially brought the words, love, marriage and forever into our relationship. I know he was not just playing me either, and that's what I guess is so hard to accept. That he did such a complete 180 on me and on himself. And I didn't say I want to hate him, just that I hope to one day feel nothing when I think of him. Nothing is good stuff, and I will get there. Someday.<br />
<br />
Thank you for being my friend and putting up with all my comings and goings and whatnot. You are a treasure.

Sylph, I have visualized him a piece of paper that I crumple up and throw in the garbage can... I have also burned that piece of paper. I have read too many books from "It's called a breakup cause it's broken" to (What was that book FG?) Oh yeah," If you want closure in your relationships then start with your legs" or something like that. I have been mad, tried to understand, cried it out, meditated on it, drank myself silly, and every other thing I could think of, so far. I won't let him haunt me forever. I won't. I just haven't figured out the way to get rid of him, banish him from my heart, but I will. I am nothing if not determined.

Yes, Blue...TRUE friends will cry with you on your aches and pains...for a period of time...but would likewise wipe those tears away for you. Treasure them as they will help you get over this hurdle.<br />
<br />
And it is easy to think rationally...but the implausible seems to hang on for dear life in our hearts. Just loosen its grip one finger at a time...if all else fails, just flick it good. It may come as a surprise and it might work!

Logically, I understand that, Sylph. I really do. I have read tons of books, and grown my inner self tremendously. The thing is, for the one year we were together, I had a dream come true. My heart was more sure of us than it had ever been before, even though I was married twice prior to him. I KNEW he was my true love, but I was wrong. It is hard for me to come to terms with being so wrong, and that's just the tip of the iceberg, because he knew it too. Or at least he said he did. I just try not to think about it too much.<br />
<br />
And it totally helps to have such wonderful friends. I don't know what I would so without them, what I would have ever done. My friends are my rocks.

It seems strange that I would comment here since only recently I managed to let go. And you could, too. But it takes that acceptance of letting go...not just knowing you have to let go. If you can deal with the effects of letting go, then you're on that first step. The rest of the journey just falls into place.<br />
<br />
And it always helps to have friends around...so go have fun with Fungirl! ;)

I know you are totally right about that girl! I will get over it one day, or I won't, I guess. Either way I have faith that what happens in life is exactly what is supposed to happen, I am only along for the ride.

We said we would still be friends, Emrlpeeps, but I am under the impression his current gf has a problem with him talking to me so we aren't. My course is steady, girl, but my heart, well, let's just say that it will take some time for it to trust itself again. I followed it right down a sinkhole, and I'm not sure it knows what it's doing, to be honest.

I know! Sooner! I have missed her bunches too. Guess we both haven't been around much lately.<br />
<br />
Well FG, then it would be a road trip with a purpose, right? You know I am always up for meeting new people. I'm just a social butterfly girl. A blue one ;)

OMG is that Sooner? NO WAY. Where have you been chica? I have missed you so much. <br />
<br />
You got that right about your friends. Wanna go meet that guy? He still tells me you are one of the hottest friends I have ever had. (There is always that guy that you sent to me too. LOL NOT!!!)

Sooner! You heard right girl! Since you are so far away, fly to ATL and we'll pick you up on the way too!<br />
<br />
You are probably right, Jimmy, I certainly keep busy enough, date enough, etc... When my mind slows down though... Ugh. A better distraction? Maybe. :)<br />
<br />
I hear you Dreamvoyeur. I do have EXCELLENT friends, who give me lot's and lot's of TLC and laughter too. And you are right, I certainly don't need the crap. Mostly I am just mad at myself because I am not over this by now. It has been too long for him to still be haunting me. I just haven't figured out how to get rid of him yet, but I will.

You need a distraction, blue.

You say when, girlfriend, I'm so there! Actually pick me up, I'm on the way...

He's an effer. Let's go to Tybee Beach, hit the pubs there and forget about his a$$ lol.