A Constant Battle Against Myself

There's so much I need to cover, but I'm going to condense it; so a lot of this may feel incomplete or vague. I apologize.

I feel like I am constantly living in a haze. I can't do simple tasks because my mind is so full of thoughts on a minute to minute basis. I endulge myself in my passions. I love music, writing, poetry, and anything artistic that plays with my emotions. I love it, but it's almost as if I can't escape it.

I'm not a stupid person. Far from. But sometimes I'm so absorbed in the things that I enjoy that I do stupid things. I can't do simple things that an average person should be able to do; like follow orders, schedules, and remember things or events that mean a lot to people. As a result, I end up unintentionally hurting people in my life by making them think that I don't care.

I left my Florida house because my step father snapped again and told me that I ignored orders intentionally. I've been called a lot of things by him as a result of him thinking that I just "don't care". I've been called "lazy", "disrespectful", "selfish", a "**** up", a "****", "useless" simply because of my inability to go into the world and do something right.

Recently I moved to get away from my step father. After another instance leading to an explosive fight between us, I left to live with my father in Illinois. In doing so I had to leave my friends and my girlfriend. This was extremely hard for me, but I felt like it was getting to the point where I was being abused emotionally in my house and I needed to get away from it. My mom and step father told me that I couldn't come back after I left.

Though the feeling of being seperate from my girlfriend hurt a lot, I felt like I began making headway in my life; I finally got my first job at 18, and my license. Months after living here, however, I'm starting to see familiar signs appear.

My dad is becoming mad at me because of the things I'm doing. I backed his truck into a ditch the first day I started driving it (I tried to do a three point turn on a little dirt road with two massive crevices on either side. Smart huh?). I also hit a poll a few days later. And I loaded the clothes washer so full of clothes that I almost broke the machine.

I'm constantly working to not **** up at work, but my boss and supervisor are telling me that I'm slow and that I'm not good at taking orders. My supervisor is constantly angry at me and doesn't trust me. I can only imagine how terrible things will be if I get fired, and I have to tell my dad. Or worse: when the news gets back to my mom and step father that I couldn't solidly hold a job for more than several months.

On top of all this, I miss my girlfriend. She is the one person who seems to understand that I have a deep side and that I'm not an idiot, but she lives three states away. I feel worthless. I feel like no matter what I do, I can't do anything right that matters. The things I'm good at artistically are getting me nowhere, and the things I have in my life that I need to build toward success I can't seem to do because I'm constantly lost in my weird haze.

I have a lot of fear about loss, such as what will happen if my girlfriend decides that she doesn't want to try long distance anymore. The thought kills me. Without her I won't have anybody but my father, and as much as I love him, he doesn't seem to understand my problem. I'm getting drunk nightly. I feel lost and unappreciated.

I know that many people have gone through much worse, but I feel the need to let my thoughts out. I feel alone and I'm worried. I feel like something's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like i don't have a purpose, and I'll ESPECIALLY feel that way if I lose my girlfriend. Am I seriously just retarded?
Pounds93 Pounds93
18-21, M
Sep 12, 2012