Welcome To Reality

Over a lot of years, I have become more and more isolated.
I would say this stems back to my teenage years.
Prior to joining the Army in the mid 80's I had a lot of friends. I socialised with a couple of different groups of friends as each group had different interests. One of the groups started to get involved in taking recreational drugs and over time I pulled away from that group although still talk to these people in the passing. My other group of friends led completely normal lives and are all now married with kids or have moved away and are spread far and wide.
I got in to a bit of bother with the Police prior to joining the army and ended up in court with quite serious charges against me. In court, I was found not guilty of these charges, however I got off by the skin of my teeth and could easily have ended up in prison.
I decided after that that I had to get away from the area and decided the Army was for me. I ended up in Germany for a few years, and made a few good friends, however I noticed at that point I had started to lose the art of making friends and found it difficult to communicate with people.
I transferred to another unit of a more specialist nature where I found that I was struggling to make friends but due to the nature of the work found I could get away with not having to communicate to much with others as I worked alone a lot of the time.
I would return home on leave and still communicated with my friends back home, however over the years they moved away or were in serious relationships, married etc.
While on leave, I met a woman who eventually I married. I decided that I did not want to get married in the Army so decided after 6 years I would leave and I got married. Shortly after we has a son together. We remained married until 1998 when i caught my wife playing away from home. We separated and I kept my 5 year old son. I was in full time employment but managed to raise my child through assistance from my parents. Having been married and threw myself in to family life, then ended up raising my son, I lost touch with the friends I had who by this time were settled in to family life or had moved some distance away.
I had now become isolated and my group of friends had became more or less people at work. However the type of employment Im now in has people coming and going and I still find it difficult to make friends. Since my separation from my wife and subsequent divorce, I have had several relationships however only one which has lasted for several years which also ended in her cheating on me. I find I cant settle in to relationships easily and have become very independent and extremely insecure when in a relationship.
I have recently come out of a relationship and find that due to one thing and another, I am now totally isolated as i have had to move work place and do not know anyone there. I have been there 7 months and have not made one friend! I was on holiday last week and have found that in the past week, I have only spoken to my son and 1 friend for a short time. I now feel Im to old for a lasting and loving relationship. I now sit in my home contemplating my future which looks bleak to say the least. I have also recently been diagnosed with osteoporosis in my spine which in time will have a serious impact on my life. To sum up, I have lost all confidence over the years to the extent I find it extremely difficult to make friends. I suspect on leaving the Army, I may have suffered Post Traumatic Stress which has not been treated. If I was to get treatment for this, I would lose my job and subsequently my home. Life is not good for me at present and I live in hope that I can find a way through this.
Kirrie45 Kirrie45
41-45, M
Jan 13, 2013