Still Struggling To Accept Reality

 

I was diagnosed about 10 years ago now and have not had a pain free day since. It is something you just get used to most of the time, I probably take more painkillers than I would like but try and get on with it the best I can. Then.... I have a week like this week. Where I can barely walk, getting out of bed is torture, my whole body burns and feels like it is made of concrete.... and yet I look in the mirror and I look fine. I start to question myself, is it all in my head? Could I just walk properly if I tried harder? So I push myself, I hate myself and I will my body to stop listening to my head.

I have only just told my partner what I have because there is no hiding it this week. I am ashamed and feel weak that I can't get past the pain. It is hard to tell him that I don't want to see a doctor because there is nothing (physically) wrong with me. How do you explain that to people? I have enough trouble making sense of it - how can someone who doesn't live in this tortured body day after day possibly understand?

So I am hoping that the curent flare up doesn't last too long. That I can ease myself back into exercise and calm my mind to accept that this is my life and most of the time I can cope. And when I can't I need to learn that it is ok to ask for help.

Thanks for reading.

isitinmyhead isitinmyhead
31-35, F
1 Response Aug 4, 2010

Your really strong and an inspiration. I havent been to a doctor, but I believe I have this from all that I have read on it, though its not as painful as what you have to deal with daily. Thank you for sharing and its not in your head, no matter what anyone thinks. Thank you for sharing your pain.