Fog

I've had fibromyalgia for probably 6 or 7 years now, and been diagnosed for the better part of a year, I think. It's hard to keep track, and it's the same story with everything. I'm so tired of things being wrong, and they all seem to blend together. My symptoms overlap, my medications overlap, so that when one of my doctors asks me whether I've been having trouble with a certain problem, I'm at a loss for how to answer. What's causing what? How much of my medication is doing what it's supposed to? In addition to, or perhaps just with my fibromyalgia, you have the depression/bipolar II, the unexplainable tachycardia, mild arthritis, unspecified, chronic back pain - my most predominant problem, which I am sure is not helped by fibro - plus frequent headaches and IBS... And the ******* symptoms of all of those pile up and I feel like ****. I think I woke up this morning around 8 or 9. It's 6:30, and I can barely keep my eyes open. I slept well enough. It isn't the kind of exhaustion that will let you sleep, and I have so much trouble sleeping on a normal schedule I wouldn't like to risk a nap. It's just the bone-deep weariness that makes getting up to make something simple to eat a monumental effort. I don't talk about it much, and brush off inquiries with a threadbare "I'm fine" when I can get away with it. And it's true, to some extent. I'm fine. As fine as I can get. I've been like this for so long that I don't really know what normal feels like. What am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to settle for? I'm 18, and under no illusions that life is fair. In reality, I haven't got it terrible. I have all my limbs, can function tolerably, albeit with much slow stiffness and pain, have all my senses, don't require machines to perform any of my bodily functions, and can care for myself, though it takes more of a toll on me than most (most "normal" people, anyway.) But when nurses open my files, they cluck and say, "You're 18? You're way too young to be dealing with all this," and all I can do is nod. Sometimes I childishly wish there really was something "wrong" with me, something that people could understand without a half-hour explanation, something that wouldn't leave me, in the quiet hours, feeling like I'm just a lazy, good-for-nothing whiner. And I know I'm complaining, but I keep quiet often enough. Surely I'm entitled to complain a little, put my feelings in writing and perhaps not be judged as harshly as I view myself. I am so tired. I keep a six-inch-tall bottle of Darvocet next to my computer, and sometimes it helps. Right now my back is in such a state that I cannot bend backwards more than a little without immense pain. I can't get any relief from it. It's time to visit the chiropractor again, but my faith in all doctors is and has been dwindling for a long time. I rarely bring new complaints up with them, because realistically, what else are you going to do? I'm already on a handful of pills each day and I've run the gamut of medications that don't work. Exercise. Yes. I'm trying. It's hard. I feel winded just sitting in my chair, doing nothing right now. I'm tired of doctors, I'm tired of pain and fatigue and needing ten minutes to catch my breath after bathing. Bathing. I'm angry, mostly with myself, for not being able to summon the strength to do more. It is a relief to have a close family who do the things I have such difficulty doing for myself, but it eats at my heart. Either it eats at my heart to need so much help, or it eats at my body to try to do it myself. More and more I find my physical issues becoming the center of my depression. When my boyfriend offers to cook something for me, I let him, because he likes helping me and he likes cooking, and both of us know that if left to my own devices, I'll put off eating for hours and when I do get something, it will probably just be toast or oatmeal. And when he leaves the room, it's a struggle not to pick up the razor in disgust at my weakness. And when I need to do it, really need that relief... I'm too tired.

gloomysunday gloomysunday
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 17, 2010

I wish I could offer you comforting words, but all I can say is, you're not alone.<br />
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I have Fibromyalgia, so I know the drill. I'm tired all the time and my body complains about everything I try to do. Fortunately, I watch a lot of movies, and that helps a lot. It not only takes my mind off of how I'm feeling physically, but it keeps me emotionally engaged. Consequently, I'm always in a good mood.<br />
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I was forced to retire early, so now I'm dealing with having no health insurance and I'm trying to live on Social Security alone. Medicare won't pick me up for 17 months. It's a struggle, but it's also a relief because I know I'll never have to work for idiots ever again.<br />
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My doctor is understanding and he told me, if I can't afford to pay for a visit, he'll meet me in the parking lot. He also writes prescriptions I can fill in Canada so I can afford all the medications I take, well, most of them.<br />
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I think you should look for that one thing you can enjoy, that one thing you can take pleasure in, and focus as much attention as you can on that one thing. Life will always be worth living if you can find just one thing.<br />
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Best of luck to you.