Choices

Today I was listening to a heavy metal song about surviving the war, but being very badly injured physically, to a point where he begs for mercy and asks the death to come. Of course I cannot even begin to imagine how it must be to lose a limb, or to be physically restrained, but I do believe there are certain things abusers can inflict their victims that are somehow comparable to this pain. 

After being abused, one feels like having lost control, and having lost a part inside. It means waking up one day, and suddenly discovering it wasn't a nightmare, and someone amputated a part of your soul that will never come back. At first you still feel it there, and it even hurts, but with time all you can do is accept it is gone, and learn how to live and adapt without it. 

I wrote a story about being made of holes in some other group, but I do see it is the perfect analogy after having exposed to constand hurt, loss, deception, and abuse. It is futile to ask ourselves to forget and move on. It is naive to believe "that was the past, just turn the page and live your future". It is not being pessimistic, but it's just impossible to live the same way as one did before, when we are missing a part of ourselves and dealing with the mourning of letting it go. Those who claim it can happen are just fooling themselves, or fortunately do not know the consequences of these acts in their own flesh.

Forgiving those who abused and attacked me is a conscious choice I made since the very beginning. It was the only way to survive, since it is impossible to hate while trying to heal.