I Found Him When And Where I Least Expected
My story is strange, maybe a little too strange for some people, but it's all true as I've seen and experienced it and I want to share with those who are willing to listen. The way it starts out may not seem relevant to twin flames, but it all comes together in the end.
When I was eleven years old I started to feel the presence of a man around me. He appeared like a shadow wearing a mask in my mind. At first I liked him, but he became angry and frightening soon after I opened myself to him. I began to view him like a demon as his dark presence overtook my life. He placed a shadow over my heart and mind for most of my teenagehood. I also began feeling the presence of a girl soon after I first felt him, she scared me even more because I felt her presence within me whereas the man always stayed without. I was terrified of the both of them, they gave me horrific nightmares, haunted my waking life as shadows and evil thoughts and feelings. When it became so much that I could barely function throughout an average day my parents took me to the doctor who had me admitted to the hospital because I had told her I was at times suicidal. I was then evaluated by several different psycho-therapists over the years, each one coming to a different conclusion. Mostly because I couldn't keep my story together, every time I told them one thing it felt like a lie so I had to try and tell it again differently, I could just never get it right it felt. One put forth a diagnosis of depression, one accused me of fabricating my story, and the other, the one whose diagnosis was eventually found to be 'correct', placed me as having dissociative Identity disorder. I didn't think any of these were right. I knew I was depressed, but that was a product of what was happening, not the problem itself. As for making it all up, there's nothing that even needs being said there, I just kind of ignored that doctor. And I was apprehensive of the third diagnosis, although not completely closed to it at the time. But as the seesions went on I couldnt help but feel that we were going about it all wrong; that most of the things she said weren't true regarding the disorder in relation to me, for example she told me that both the girl and the man were actually within me. But I just didn't think that was right, I knew in my heart that the man was without me. But that didn't support the diagnosis, but rather some kind of demon possession or another and my therapist wasn't hearing of that. The therapy led me down paths that just weren't right, so after a year I stopped going. Due to other, external reasons (medication I had been taking) I stopped being able to sense both the man and the girl. I became very depressed and felt empty and dead inside. After relating this to the medication I immediately stopped taking it and after about 6 months I returned to my former state of sensing, but over two years had passed since I had felt it and was left alone to my own devices in handling it . It came back slowly, slowly enough for me to not be so overhwhelmed as I had been before, that paired with my gained age and experience made it a little easier. I needed something to help me though it, but not another doctor. I tried a lot of things, and I found nature to be the most effective way of settling my mind. I felt the girls presence heavily in places like the forest, but she didn't seem so frightening then. Only different. I began to face my fear of her, tried to determine why she scared me so much. I tried to peel away all my la
As for the man, he had not been present for a while. I knew he still existed, but he was staying at a distance. He was only waiting for the right time to return, and I knew it would be when I left home, although I didn't know why.
It was three months ago now that I did leave home.
Before I did I had another spiritual ceremony with my friend in the forest on a five day camping trip we took alone. (We are very close spiritually and are both self-proclaimed empaths which makes it easy for us to connect) The day we did the ceremony I had several revelations. They involved my path in life, and the shadow man. My friend, for the first time, saw and understood the path I follow and the shadow that waits. And not just she, but I too perhaps only just saw my path as a physical force beneath and inside of me. But beforehand she, like many, had almost thought me a fool (except not nearly as much as others) for going down strange roads, always following my heart and intuition into places and decisions that didn't always make sense. But then I felt like she finally understood the enormity of it all and the undeniable pressure there is on me to follow this path, and not be led astray. She delivered to me a message, one that we both misunderstood at the time. She told me the dark man would seek to have me through my intuition. He would appear to me as a message from my intuition, and being as I am, I would follow that message blindly. This is how he will win me. We were both under the impression this was terrible, she knew how I felt about the shadow man, he was the devil to me, and my own feelings toward him clouded her true vision of who or what he is. I resolved to have a new awareness of my intuition, to use my head more than my heart to avoid failure.
The few days before I left I could feel him more than usual, he was still at a distance, but I was aware of him.
I didn't know why I was going where I was going, or why it was even so important for me to leave home, I had a drawing to the place I was moving that was beyond what I had originally thought. I was going home really, to the place where I was born, my whole life I'd dreamed of the day I'd be free to move to my hometown; only a small fishing village, but a very special place to me it was. Most poeple who grow up there can't wait to leave, they call it a hole, but I couldn't wait to go back. Even though there was seemingly nothing there for me, no job, no school. Nothing. But I still felt like I had to go there, to recieve the next vision of where my path was taking me.
At first it was beautiful, I felt I'd come home, for the first time in so long I was where I was supposed to be.
My friend had even been able to visit me, the summer was filled with fun and friends in the place I considered to be the most beautiful in the world.
But as the summer waned, my friend had to go, my cousins had to go. Everyone was leaving for work or school. And I was left wondering. I didn't know where I was going, I had come as far as I had been told, and now I was waiting for my next message, where I was supposed to be going next. I didn't know who it would come from, It took a while to come, but when it did it came from everyone. It seemed like a switch had been turned and my whole family began to suggest that I stay with them in my hometown, for the fall, for the winter, hell why not the whole year. It was only right they said, young girls like me needed time to think about their futures, this would be my year off. I was surprised, I hadn't anticipated that my path would be to stay right here, I thought this was merely a pit stop. But once the possibility had been brought to my attention, it seemed perfect.
I had decided to stay.
After the summer died down, I began to feel very lonely. The only company I have here are my grandparents, and great aunts and uncles, all others my own age had left. The loneliness was terrible, but I didn't mind in a sense, because I felt it was right.
The presence of the man finally came back to me. It was stronger then it had ever been before. All the hell I'd been through over the years as a child over him was experienced again but condensed into one month. Of course it was different, I am not a child anymore and my knowledge and assets had grown. As well as my endurance.
I began to feel the place in my chest, the place my soul usually resides, become darker. the darkness turned into the most horrible sensation I have ever felt, and soon became an ever present one. It was like a snarling, spitting, clawing horn-tailed demon had been placed inside of me and was pumping its own blood of acid into my veins and rage into my heart. It would claw at my rib cage and my throat, it was physically painful. I had nobody to confide in, I felt so alone. Those were the darkest times I have ever felt.
I began to feel the dark mans presence all around me. One night when I was walking home, I could feel him so close to me, behind me, beside me, beneath me, on top of me. I felt he wanted me dead, and I was so frightened I could only keep my eyes on the ground in front of me and I walked and wouldnt allow myself to acknowledge him as he whispered words of murder in my ears.
A few days later I had resolved to pull an all nighter, and go to the cliffs by the ocean to watch the sunrise. No real reason, I just thought it would help me think. I had an experience that morning. One I'll never forget. I wrote to my friend about it and it would be easiest for me to just repeat what I said to her here:
I went walking this morning, before dawn, down the way we often went to the ocean. As I walked the light of the coming sun shone everything in a strange dead twilight, the Earth was dark, as was the western sky. Water appeared as blue crystal and stars were still apparent in the dark corners above. It was the closest I have ever come to dreaming while awake and sober. When I approached the last few houses near the cliffs, there were two lights; one was ornage and the other blue, shining from a dark house. These most of all drove me to wonder if I wasn’t sleepwalking in some nightmare after all. Just these two lights, made everything appear different, unrecognizable and surreal. I kept walking in the twilight, the sun had not yet fully risen. I went to the Point that I spoke of going to often, the one we once visited. But what I havent spoken of is the feeling of evil that surrounds the place as of late. I will not speak of the recent events that occured there of which I was involved, for they touch me too deeply and hurtfully to recount to anyone at anytime. All you must know is I made a grave mistake( I did something I wasn't supposed to-spiritually) and a great anger it has caused. Quite unexpectantly I found myself at that Point in the strange twilight with a sense of intention that could not be ignored. By some stroke of luck or divine intervention, at that moment as I looked upon the rock I understood, in some ways, what had gone wrong (only in some ways).
After realizing somewhat my mistake and the effects of it, I felt very ashamed and sorry. I realized it from a voice that I’d been hearing coming from that Point for a while. The voice of a man, but he isn’t a ghost, as I had originally thought. I realized that morning that this man on the Point is far too powerful a force to simply be a lost human ghost I’d accidently offended. I changed my mind to think of him as the man who has been following me for some time now, but this led to strange new questions as to why he was so effected by my mistake, or why he even considered it to be a mistake. I came to several conclusions that have mostly come to me in spontaneous bouts of intuition.
It has been a question I’ve wondered about often; who is this man? I once, and still occasionally do, think of him as a demon or evil. Due to the seemingly limitless power of his wrath and anger, which used to cause me a lot of pain and fear. But I also know that he is capable of being hurt, something a demon is not able to experience according to my present knowledge and reasoning. And in fact I had been hurting him for some time, somewhat on purpose becuase I was afraid of him and wanted him to go away. And he was indeed very hurt, and I believe he expressed it that morning after the final straw of my rebellion agaisnt him. I suddenly realized how much I’d been hurting him, and why I shouldn’t hurt him. And again, this filled me with much shame and sadness and I felt very sorry.
I came up with a bit of a theory about him afterwards, one I’m not sure of but seems to be panning out so far. I started to think of him as being connected to me, and who he may be in relation to me. I tried to understand what drew him to me. I know it’s not me (my personality or ego) he’s interested in, but my soul. I felt that he loves her, and she was torn between her own love of him and my fear and hatred of him. I tried to understand who he was, and i didn’t think that he was necessarily inhuman, but he would have to be a very powerful, old human soul, one similar to my own soul in her power and age. I think he may be my soulmate. This sounds very strange, and then I was confused to figure that he had no body but my soul did. But then i thought about and recognized the fact of how absent my soul often is, and how it is possible for her to leave me if i wish her to. It’s entirely possible for a soul to leave its body for some time with or without the consent of its body. So that led me to the conclusion that this was the soul of my soulmate, and his body was somewhere out there, possibly compeletly unaware of what his soul was doing just that very moment (at least consciously).
The strange thing was that this time he wasnt trying to communicate with her but with me specifically, because it is I who is keeping him away from her in my fear and all that. He addressed me this time, and it was horrible I have to tell you. Never in my life have I been so accused and beaten down and ashamed. I felt like I was being chastised by God. But at the same time I also have never been so sorry and understood so deeply how I’ve hurt someone. I felt like a pile of garbage I can tell you that. I had to go away from the point for a while, to the rocks and sat there staring at the ocean and feeling the worst Ive ever felt and the most sorry ive ever felt. The Point was in view and i looked at it out of the corner of my eye, sensing the immense anger and hurt coming from the area. Eventually i figured the only thing i could do would be to be honest, and express why i did what i did and how honestly good my intentions had been however terribly it all turned out, and how sorry i was and how i was willing to change. I didnt want to go back empty handed so I brought the food i had packed for myself and gave it as a peace offering to the little black weasel that lived in a hole by the rock. It was the same weasle id seen the day i made that last mistake. And then i simply spilled my guts and cried and cried and was as honest as i could honestly be.
Just some time before I felt he wished death upon me for my mistakes and grave misunderstanding, but now I feel we have reconciled somewhat. I feel that he has forgiven me. But he has also given me a challenge.
Although I am still apprehensive and a little afraid of him, I do not wish to go to that Point ever again. But I feel I have to, I owe him something still, something I have to prove. Through this ordeal I did gain perspective on things of which i had none before, but with this perspective comes a challenge, one I am not sure I can meet. But I will try.
I surrendered to him and went on blind faith and trust that this wasn’t some demon trying to possess me, and I fully accepted him.
This is again what I've written to my friend on the next matter becuase it's easier to copy it then write it all over again:
And not too many days after I had this whole experience is when I first thought of my soulmate romantically. In fact I think it was the very next day, he was at my nans house visiting my pop, I was in the room sulking in my shame and sadness. He walked by the door with his character smirk and eyes averted and after he went by I all of a sudden got the feeling of a new, fresh budding crush on him. And I was a little uplifted by the feeling, it was nice compared to all my others. But then he left to go fishing and I was really upset because my nan told me he was going to be gone for 18 days (he wasnt gone that long). And i spent the whole time waiting for him to get back and visulaizing him and making my crush on him get bigger and bigger. And then, a couple days before he came back, I decided to try and send my soul to find him, check out his soul and report back to me with her findings. About a day later I all of a sudden felt really really good about him and had my first sensings of his own soul and figured my own had returned with good tidings of him. And then, exactly two weeks after my adventure at the rock, I was lying in bed at about 3 am, unable to sleep. I was feeling really lonely and since i was at my nans i was really overly aware of my soulmate (the whole place reminds me of him now). And I decided to try to send my soul out again, i guess to make me feel closer to him, and it just seemed like a good idea, i cant even really remember why fully. i started talking to him in my mind on a really deep level that was barely even like talking and I started seeing like in a dream and i sent my whole being and soul and heart to him basically and it was a huge effort and i can barely remember it. And then i felt way too open in my mind afterwards and started feeling paranoid about weird little lizards looking at me from around my bed. And I guess i fell asleep. I remember in my dream I was talking to him like how I remember talking to you in my dreams, more like a subconscious vision than a dream. I woke up at the end of the dream and i dont remember what was said but i remember feeling good and all cozy about our talk.
And then i woke up the next day, started out ok but then all of a sudden started to feel really really weird. I felt extremely paranoid and exposed. I knew it was about him, i still had a really strong connection with him at this point and i could feel him thinking about me, it felt so surreal. I was really paranoid becuase i felt like he knew about what happened at the point, both the mistake and the morning visit and there was absolutely no reason for me to be paranoid about it. I didnt think he had been there physically, but i couldnt shake the feeling that he knew about it (his soul did i mean, probably not consiously) and it was a terrible feeling. I figured i had told him about it. But in the back of my mind i was also aware of the other way that his soul would be aware of it. But i didnt even want to consider that, the idea of it made me feel terrified.
Along with the paranoia i had a weird sense of when he was thinking about me, like eyes watching me and this strange feeling inside that just told me that this is what was happening. It was really strong and made me freeze for a minute while it was happening. I was really aware of him, his feelings, his thoughts. He seemed unable to be around me physically. And i felt something weird, like we were sharing shame. He could feel mine and i could feel his. I couldnt feel the source of his consciously so hopefully the same thing applies to him. I could also feel this horrible tug and pull at my chest, like my soul was in agony inside of me, a feeling id been feeling for a while. But it was after he left, i felt it becuase i wanted him to come back. That was the frist time i associated this feeling of my suffereing soul with him. And then the feeling chnaged, and i cant describe it but it became less painful anyway, more hopeful. I started to maybe think of it as love, or the throws of love i suppose, the pain of love from being so close to him.
I'd always had trouble with love , I didn't even think boys were interested in me until I turned 17, they always ignored me or made fun of me before then for being so quiet and shy. I have had a few boyfriends since then, none have lasted longer than 2 months. I have always seemed to be slightly unsuccessful at relationships; both friendship and love relationships. I have only one true friend as it is. In fact up until now I wondered if I'd ever even find a man I could really truly love, as I've never been in love before. I wondered if I'd end up alone, or have to be with someone I didn't really love. The idea of myself with most men just doesn't seem right, I usually feel like I'd have to pretend or be someone I'm not to suit them. I've never encountered a man with whom I feel completely right, with whom I am the most myself I've ever been, with whom I am truly in love and happy; until now.
I can't say it was love at first sight, because I barely noticed him the first time we met. It was raining, I was walking home on the long path from the ocean to my village. I saw him on the road as I'd walked towards the ocean, and here he was still when I was on my way back. Perhaps it was just the offer of a common gentlemen, or perhaps he saw something then that took me a little longer to realize. He gave me a ride home, to my nan and pops house, with which he is familiar. In the past year he'd grown close with my grandfather, a man well-known in my village for being a brave man and good fisherman. Although consciously I wasn't much aware of this new, courteous stranger, I did find myself looking forward to the times when he would visit, and before I even realized who he was I would look out the window when hearing an engine to see if it was him coming down the road.
After my experience with him, or his soul, in the night, I can't stop thinking about him.
He had returned from his fishing trip, which meant he would most likely be visiting daily. I was unaware of the details of everything that was happening at the time, as this experience was entirely new to me, and so of course we both made several mistakes.
It took me some deep and thorough contemplation and emotional searching to finally see and accept him for who he was, at first I was skeptical, afraid, but my soul reassured me. I could sense a deep love between them, one I must not interfere with or place in jeopardy by my own fears or confusion. This was a love stemming from the very place my own soul was born, it was born with her, and him, and it was not for me to decide or destroy any more. I had to let go and let things be as they would be.
The horror in my chest was replaced again with something beautiful, more beautiful then I had ever experienced. It was almost overwhelming, I felt as though pure morphine was being pumped into my veins, and I lay in ecstasy for hours. Everytime I saw him my heart nearly stopped, and time seemed to slow down.
Being cut of the same cloth, we are both extremely shy and quiet. Match this with the feeling that nothing I could ever say to him besides "I love you" would be right, and you've got a very slow-moving relationship. I don't mind at all. I feel like physical words hardly need to be passed between at all, I understand him perfectly without them.
We've said approximately three things to one another in person,and yet I feel like I've been talking to him for years. Although my eyes can't be controlled so easily, I can't help but stare at him everytime he's around, and only once have our eyes locked. But a beautiful moment it was.
The exchange of energy between us was enormous for about three days, I lay in a dream-like state of ecstasy for this time.
But then on the fourth day, I just felt different, odd. I felt very tired, my emotions and my soul was drained. She needed to rest, so I let her rest. It was a strange day, I didn't like the feeling of being alone as she slept. And although I continued to receive from my soulmate, I had nothing to give in return at the time, I was too tired to respond. I didn't realize that not responding was a mistake, or could lead to terrible places.
My soul continued to sleep for several days, and in me grew an anxiety from an unknown source. My heart and mind were drained, I had little to fall back on when the anxiety continued to grow. It turned into a continuous feeling of my heart being pulled or tugged, and I was afraid of the feeling, I didn't know what it was and I didn't like it. I tried to suppress and ignore it, but it only grew stronger. I had trouble sleeping and eating, I became quite unhappy. By the third day I awoke after a fretful night with the feeling stronger than ever before. I felt like I couldn't breath, that there was a pressure of something heavy sitting on my chest and a strong grip at my throat. My stomach threatened to heave at any moment and I cried at anything and everything. It grew throughout the day and the pressure on my chest grew so strong I felt I would die. I suffered a mild panic attack before calling my friend and crying over the phone to her about things that I had no explanation for. I went to my nans soon after, she could usually make me feel better.
My soulmate came while I was there, but I was not excited to see him. His presence filled me with even more anxiety. As he walked past I couldn't even look at him, he seemed to hesitate before moving on, looking at me being the picture of stress in the livingroom. I held my breath as he passed, but not like before, it was a sigh of relief I breathed when he had gone. But I was filled witha great sadness at my feelings toward him, I couldn't control my tears when he left. I felt sorry for feeling this way, for not looking at him. I sensed in him an anger.
I felt terribly depressed for the remainder of the evening, and I walked around a bit outside to try to calm myself. I saw him while I was outside, but he did his best to ignore me, and I could still sense him filled with anger. He came back to visit again that night, whiskey bottle in hand. He came in scowling and clouded with negative emotions. He didn't seem happy to see me there. He spoke to my pop, complaining about different things, even my grandfather seemed taken aback by his negativity.
I began to feel even worse, and felt the sudden need to get as far away from him as possible. When his anger seemed to reach its peak my cat, Ezra, clawed at his feet and eventually pounced on his leg. When he acknowledged Ezra and even laughed a little his spell seemed broken. But I fell into somewhere deep and horrible. I went to my bedroom and lay down on my bed, Ezra joined me and lid down on my chest. I was overcome. Feelings of the worst kind and intensity began surging through me. A nasty voice in my head appeared, telling me horrible things about myself. The world became bathed in a negative light, love all of a sudden didn't seem possible. I could see everything in a way that made it mean nothing, life meant nothing. Darkness and evil surrounded me, I felt like the devil himself laughed at me from the foot of my bed. I remember saying aloud in my horrible delirium that I felt like I was in hell. I wanted to commit suicide, I wanted to run into the woods and never come back. Everything I'd ever done and everything I ever would do seemed stupid and useless. The voice told me I was talentless, unloveable. Absoluetly nothing seemed to matter. I began to think about a bottle of wine in the fridge, or the rum in the cupboard. How thirsty I was for the drink. I figured I should become a drunk, and drink everyday of my life until I died so I wouldn't have to feel this way, and because all the reasons not to just seemed so meaningless.
Out in the house my soulmate sounded better, more himself, as I went deeper and deeper into hell. I was contemplating driving a knife into my chest to try and stop the fiery pain that burned there, when I heard he was leaving. For the first time I wished he would leave. I froze in place until I could no longer hear the engine in the distance. And then the pain left as quickly and easily as it had come. I felt fine, like it had never even happened.
This made me realize that those were not my feeling but his, as they came and left with him. This made me upset, to realize he felt this way, to feel him in such a horrible way and to hear his dangerous, sick thoughts. I was worried about him.
I didn't know what to do about it, I had had enough time to rest it seemed to try and send him a few positive thoughts and feelings, but it hardly seemed like enough. He needed much more than a few fleeting thoughts and feelings.
I didn't know how to heal him, so I tried looking something up on the subject, and indeed I did find what I was looking for. A guide to healing from a distance using chakras. It would be my first time trying to attempt something like this, but I knew I had to try.
I resolved to wait until everyone else in my household had gone to bed, the time leading up to the event was one of apprehension and nervousness.
It began with something called a chakra cleansing on myself. I had to try and fill myself with the purest love and brightest light, drawing it from within the Earth. This took me a while, and was quite exhausting. I wanted to stop, it was late, I was tired, I could try another time. But something told me it had to be done that night, and I listened. I had to visualize him as he was at that time, an image came to my mind of him sitting at a table, head in hand, surrounded by beer bottles. I had to ask his permission to heal him, I received an answer of yes. I could see darkness surrounding different parts of him, these were the parts I was to heal. I placed my hand on him, starting at his heart first, and tried to channel love and light from within the Earth, through me and into him. I could feel it coming from the Earth, into me, through my body, down my arm, into my hand and into him. Eventually he wasn't sitting anymore but lieing down, and I could heal him more easily. After I had channeled enough energy, I looked into his face and told him I loved him, many, many times. After a while my vision became white, and I could no longer see him. I came back to myself and ended the meditation.
I felt a very strong connection with him afterwards, and I told him I would smile at him the next day to let him know what truly did happen.
He was over bright and early the next morning, I myself was still asleep, having pleasant dreams about him as his voice reached my bedroom. He seemed in a much better mood. I did smile at him, three times in fact, but he could not meet my eyes as I did so. Although I know he saw the smile out of the corner of his eye, and his own smile grew even bigger when he did. He spent the whole day with my grandfather, leaving only for his own home for supper. When he returned he told my pop that he had just been called out on the boat again to fish. It has been six days now since he left.
From this latest experience I realized the dangers of exhausting ourselves with a constant flow of energy between us. I am now trying to exercise a more controlled flow, and daily meditation, that will ensure that every time he tugs on me for love, I have some to give.
Through meditation I have seen and felt a great many things, I do believe I have seen my future. Or the future I will have if I stay on my path. The future I will have with my soulmate. He can provide for me everything I ever wanted, and I for him. With him I can be who I always felt I am, I can complete my journey. He wants a wife, one who he can protect and care for and give everything she ever wanted, and who will love him unconditionally. I want a husband, one who will provide for me and let me be who I am, and love me unconditionally.
My whole life whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to do, my answer was "live in the forest". And who I wanted to be? "free!" I would answer. But reality began to impose on my dreams as I matured and realized more; I needed to work. to live in society, to be who others wanted and needed me to be, to hide my true self to keep me safe.
I had nearly accepted this, saying goodbye to all my dreams, all my fantasies of living like a true human being with nature, exercising my senses and visions freely, raising my children as I always wished I could have been raised.
But with him I can be who I am; just a woman, but a woman who can see and feel things most others can't, and with him I can finally let it out without restriction or fear.
And I can be his beautiful secret, one tucked away in the woods, one he can return too after a day of fishing or hunting. One he can trust his children to. We can both be who we truly are, do what we've always dreamed of but never realized, together, missing nothing for once in our lives.
I will return to the message my friend gave me that day in the woods, the day of our spirit connection; that he will win me through my intuition. At first this seemed horrible, and I wanted to avoid it. And I nearly did; had I followed my mind and not my heart, I would not be here. But alas my head is not as strong as my heart, and in the end I followed my intuition like God knew I would, given to me by Him as both my character flaw and my saving grace.
My story is not over yet, in fact it has hardly begun, I still wait for him to return.
Whether all ends well or poorly, I will try to come back and finish my story.