My Journey!

I don't know if I have written a story like this before... so I'm sorry if this a repeat! The trouble with having so many stories on EP (over 2,000), is that I tend to forget what I have shared or didn't share already! My brain likes to play repeats! =p good friend, Luciere, suggested that I should write this story, based on a comment I left on a blogthing quiz that I took, which says I am very good at knowing my own emotions and myself. I had said in this comment something to the fact of, that I did learn and find myself, after I was ******** naked and left in the dark... figuratively speaking, of course. So, here is my story. ;-)

For all of my life, I lived, thought, and acted the way others wanted me to. I didn't trust my own choices or abilities in making my own personality or living the way I wanted. And I did this for most of my life, feeling and behaving to the max, as people said I should. BUT... that all came crashing down, when I was raped and brutally tortured at age 21. Nothing made sense anymore and I lost all sense of self. :-/

I stayed in that darkness for many years... alone and facing my own demons, day after day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It felt like I was in a living hell and I had no idea who "I" truly was. Everything I thought, felt, and believed was that of others... the same people ran quickly away, after the crime was done, and faster still when everything they had told me to be had fallen apart like broken glass. I was in a sense, naked, and surrounded by the pieces... I had nothing and I was nothing...

I'm not sure when... but one day, I just took a deep sigh and instead of trying to figure out people and torturing myself with trying to figure out WHY this had happened to me, I began to turn toward myself. I began to try and figure out who I was and how I truly felt... what I truly believed in or could believe in. I had to figure out my own emotions and figure out what triggered them, not what emotions did others want me to have and the reactions that others wanted me to!

All of my neighbors, my family, everyone... they knew what happened to me, whether I wanted them to know it or not. So, I didn't go through (or even have to) the effort of spending all of my time, covering up the shame. I did have shame, for so very long, feeling like I was forever branded with titled of "raped" across my forehead. I don't feel like that now, as I am survivor, not an victim anymore! :-D

But since I didn't have much to distract me from myself, I was forced to face myself and to find my true self. Now, I am in total touch with my emotions. I know who I am! I am reborn as the person I'm suppose to be. I have my flaws, but I accept them, with glee! I can only be myself and I am happy to finally be myself too! I am proud of how far I've come and grateful for it too. But, I never may have found ME, if everything wasn't ******** away... the thoughts, views, and people whom I thought I HAD TO follow. Being totally alone for some years, it forced me to find my real emotions, my real interests, and my real beliefs. I have two good legs, so I walk forward! :-)

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2 Responses Jul 10, 2009

I think you can relate very much with a poem I wrote. Check it out if you have time. I have only two blogs right now. It'd be the one titled, Tragic Reflections. Let me know what ya think.

Wow, not many people know themselves as well as you do.