My Story Of My Friends With Benefits. . . Or Is It A Love Story?
I know that i shouldn't write this story. . . about you and me, but trying to be distant from you doesn't completely accomplish what i need to suppress in order for our "friend ship" to work again. There's you and then there's everyone else that say two very different things, so i'm asking for extra advice.
Thanks to my friend Matt who encouraged me to go to a club for the first time. Me and Eric meet at a club on Halloween night. It was the first time meeting them, i never heard about them before that night. And i say "them" meaning my group of friends that i have now.
At the time Eric had a girlfriend, a beautiful lady with blond hair and brown eyes. She was very shy, but bubbly like. I was proud of him having such a wonderful relationship with this girl since she seemed so lovely. And at that time, i also had a partner. That Halloween night everyone found me pretty interesting and they all wanted to be friends with me, so the obvious respond is to add me on facebook in order to stay in contact.
A few days pass and, my now good friends, get the pleasure to hear that i want to break up with my boyfriend. I told them first since i had such a great connection with all of them. And two of them stepped up to the plate to help me go through this break up, since my ex was transformed into a violent man. Eric was the one that was mostly worried about me and he wanted my number in order to be there for me every step of the way. We texted for a while and i invited him at my house for dinner. I was at my all time low, at that point. Almost ready to do the act of breaking up with my boyfriend. I warned Eric that i wasn't feeling at my best and he encouraged me to talk about it and to also talk about myself. After a few minutes talking about me, he announced to me that he too was thinking of breaking with his girlfriend. That's when we made a deal to be there for each other through our break ups.
Since that deal he was often there for me; comforting me, encouraging me and complimenting me in order to succeed through my break up. I also helped him by telling him what way he should approach a break up when it comes to a girl. I also comforted, encouraged, and complimented him through the whole thing. When my day was up to break up with my ex, he even came with me and another friend to make sure that my ex wouldn't hurt me. After the break up, I was destroyed. . . heart broken because i still loved him but i knew that he became too violent.
So Eric offered me for him to come over to my place in order to change my mind about things. I accepted, thinking it would be an amazing idea. He made me laugh and we talked for hours. When it was time for bed, i couldn't sleep. I asked Eric if it was okay to cuddle with him for abit. . . until i fell asleep. He accepted but he told me that it would be an even greater idea if we talk as well. I felt comfortable in his arm, all safe and warm in his muscular arms. We talked for a few hours. I was starting to fall asleep, but things were starting to get flirtatious. I complimented his lips saying that they were very good looking. He then told me that it was the reason why he was a good kisser and he told me that i should try them out. Me thinking that he was joking around, like the joker he is, and that it wasn't serious. I went for it, taking it like it was a challenge. Suspecting that it wouldn't be anything amazing, i leaned in for the kiss. But to my surprise his the best kisser that i ever kissed. I couldn't believe it so i continued and then couldn't stop. It continued further and further until he asked me if he could sleep with me. I was in an uncomfortable situation, i didn't know what to do. I told him that it wasn't a good idea since i still had feelings for my ex. He accepted it with no push or fight, he didn't even ask twice. . . which was a real surprise for me. So through out the whole night, we made out and slept side by side cuddling. He asked me "So. . . what should we call ourselves? Friends with benefits?". I didn't know what to say. He continued "We already "used" each other for comfort and we do have needs. . ." Well seeing it that way sounds like a great idea, so i told him that it would be a good idea but that we needed to set some rules. We agreed that if anyone of us starts having any emotions for the other person that we would tell the other person with a possible stop to the benefits. We were still aloud to see other people and have sex with other people, but we needed to be honest with each other and have good communication. We shook on it and called it a deal.
I found that i made a great decision knowing that i didn't like being alone and knowing that there will be someone there for me. I was happy. For once everything was going pretty well, while i was getting everything i wanted. So i stuck to my deal, started to go to dates with others guys and not thinking about any emotions that i might have for Eric. As further time pasted, me and Eric were inseparable. We saw each other almost everyday. He helped me with my homework, some cleaning in my new apartment, some conflicts i had with friends and boys. . . he helped me with everything. I told him everything, he became my best friend.
But one day Eric admitted to me that he was jealous when he saw me talking to one of our friends thinking that i might be into him. He explained to me that he might like me, a crush. I was shook. I didn't know what to think. I was terrified. I told myself that the best thing that i could do is still be his friend but to explain to him that i didn't feel the same way and that i liked the way we were. He understood and told me that it was alright. After that one discussion he didn't talk to me about his emotions towards me again. So, thinking that it was just a crash that went away, i continued dating while still being friends with benefits with Eric. I thought we were clear and at the same level.
But that opened my curiosity. Would we make a good couple? I'm really comfortable with him and we know everything about each other. He thinks the way i do. . . and we do everything together. But i snapped out of it. . . i kind of saw him as an older brother (which is kind of weird. But that's how i saw my friendship with him) but that i had benefits with. I couldn't go out with him. . . he was my friends with benefits. We can't do that.
We continued to do the same things that we always did, not thinking or talking about feelings that we might have for each other. But further the time passed the more i was curious and the more i realized that we were each others "type". I started to be interesting on getting to know Eric in "relationship terms". I started to notice that Eric would make a good boyfriend for me. So i opened my heart to him, thinking that he might still like me. But i told myself that i shouldn't and i couldn't tell him anything until i was sure that i liked him.
So i let things flow, just going with the wind. I thought that by letting things go on there own that it will end up good, so i didn't tell him anything for a while. We continued being friend with benefits for several months before i decided that it was time to tell him how i felt. . . i had a deal that i respected. At that time we were almost acting like a true couple; holding hands, being there for each other, kissing. . .etc. So i didn't think that it would change anything. I decided to write a letter to him just explaining how i felt towards him and choosing my words carefully so that i don't mess up. I gave it to him and he read it.
A few days after he tells me " We should stop holding hands and kiss outside of the bedroom. Were acting too much as a couple. Were friends with benefits, not a couple". I was shook . . . and this is where things started to go down hill for us. "But i thought you liked me? And that we were going into a certain direction?" i said. . . I then started to cry. I was confused and i didn't know what to think. "Didn't you like me?" I said " I did. . . but i suppressed my emotions in order for us to continue being friend with benefits. I suppressed them enough to the point that i don't like you the way you like me." I couldn't believe what i was hearing. I couldn't believe what i have done to myself. . . to open my heart to him. I shouldn't of done it in the first place. Why did i do this?
After this discussion he ignored me for a two weeks. He wasn't talking to me as much. We stopped seeing each other. I gave myself the excuse that it was cause of school, we had lots of projects and homework. But i didn't understand why since we did everything together and we helped each other with homework. I started to blame myself, that it was myself and that i shouldn't of done what i did. If i knew that falling for him meant to lose him. . . i would of never opened my heart to him.
One day i invite him to my house, giving him the excuse that we haven't slept together for a while. Thats what friends with benefits do, they serve each others needs. He couldn't say no since i was right. He came over. And, to cover my "lie", we did it. We then lay down beside each other. I told him that we needed to talk. He didn't like the idea but he still accepted. "What happened? Why were you ignoring me for two weeks? . . . you know you can tell me anything." I didn't except the answer that he gave me. "Well when you told me that you liked me . . . i got scared. I don't want to be in a relationship. I can't have a girlfriend right now. I don't like you as much as you like me. . . and i didn't want to lead you on or hurt you." I cut him off "Listen Eric. . . i never said that i wanted to be your girlfriend. I never said that i wanted to be in a relationship with you. The only thing i said to you is that i like you. I don't think that i'm ready for a relationship anyways. We both just got out of a relationship. . . we don't need problems right now. I simply wanted you to know how i feel. And even if you we both have feelings for each other, doesn't mean we need to go out." a tear dropped down my face "I miss you Eric and i need you as a friend. I'm not excepting anything more. You promised to be there for me and that it was the same for me." "I won't leave you alone again. . . i promise." I was happy, i had my friend back and its benefits.
But i felt like things weren't the same. A few weeks passed and it still wasn't the same. Is this change cause of me? Did i do all this? Why wasn't it the same? Once again, i asked him if we could have a chat. I was kind of mad because i thought everything was clear between us. "Now what's wrong?" He tried to explain but it came to the conclusion that he didn't knew why he was acting this way. So i told him "look. I'll back off abit and not show my emotions as much, suppress them. And you try to open up abit more. You suppressed your emotions too much in the past, you don't need to anymore. deal?" He agreed and i drove him back home.
But once again. . . things didn't change. He wasn't telling me much. Once again he wasn't there for me. What was wrong with him? Why is he acting this way? So this time i didn't bother. I did my things while still having a sexual relationship with him. He was suppressing his emotions again. He wasn't holding the deal, so why should i? I didn't bother to suppress my emotions. Didn't think that there was any need too, since 1.) he wasn't holding his side of the deal and 2.)he was getting away from me, so i didn't think that my emotions for him would grow anymore. But i was still his friend and still cared alot about him. So i told him that we should go on a trip to Quebec City together. Told myself that we will have plenty of time to talk and to set things straight.
When he was distant, i started to become very good friends with another guy from one of my classes named Mihai. I would spend allot of time with him. His someone that i enjoyed spending time having interesting convocations with. Are friendship grow very fast and we became very close friends. His dad even offered to pay me and him a vacation to Dominican Republic for our birthdays. How can anyone say no to that? I had 3 trips for my birthday; one to Dominican Republic with my friend, a fishing trip up north with my dad and, finally, a trip to Quebec City with Eric. Everything was planned and calculated, everything was gonna be perfect! I was so excited.
The two trips are over and i'm getting ready for Quebec City. Finally i could get things straight with him. I was scared but i had everything i wanted to say planned in my head. I felt like this trip can mean a new start for us. . . like a refresh button. I was scared but also every excited. I had almost everything done and ready to go. A few hours before we need to leave i get a text from him. . . what can it be? Maybe he just wants to say how much his excited to come to Quebec City with me or maybe he forgot something. I open it and i get the worst news. "I'm sorry for this Sandy, and even more sorry that its last minute. But we need to stop. I like this girl and i can't go on the trip with you. . . i'm sorry." I was furious. Why didn't he tell me about this sooner? Why did he TEXT me this. . .? He could AT LEAST called? I wasn't going to text back my fury, so. . . i called him. Asking him what was going on? Why was he doing this. . . to me. . . his best friend? "I can't go on the trip with you because i really like this girl and i don't want to have sex with you because i don't want to hurt her feelings." He told me in a very sorry voice. So i thought of a great solution " Then lets not have sex anymore. I don't see what's the problem." " I can't be around you for a whole trip with out having sex with you" he complained. " Ha ha. . well. . . that's your problem. I promise that i will not attempt anything". "You don't understand . . . i can't go." This sums up the convocation we had before the trip. I was angry, frustrated, furious and sad at the same time, not because he liked another girl ( i was actually happy for him if she made him happy) but by the fact that 1.) he would choose a random girl that he didn't know over his best friend 2.) that i prepared this whole trip and he wasn't coming and 3.) he didn't mind me going there alone. I felt like i was ran over by a truck. When will i be able to talk to him about all the things that i wanted to tell him? It wasn't fair! Luckily my friend, that i went to the first trip with, accepted to come with me a few hours before my departure. I was so pissed, but i was determine to not let Eric ruin my fun in Quebec City. Things worked out pretty good, but the experience would of been much better if i went with Eric. But when i came back. . . now that's a whole new set of emotions.
I ordered him that we needed to talk BADLY. And he DARED to put it off. Oh god, i was 5 times even more furious. I thought that i would have a peaceful convocation with him at first. . . but he put it off, so i exploded when i talked to him. I explained to him that this trip wasn't to only visit Quebec but to also fix our friendship and to set things straight. I made him understand that this was an important trip for me to go with him. With out noticing i really made him feel guilty, he told me that he regretted not going now. He said to me several times how he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and that i was really important in his life. It ended up with a hug and a good talk about my trips and things his been through recently. At the end of our convocation i told him that i needed to talk with him again. . . but about my feeling towards him. He agreed and he left. Finally things will get better.
One day me, him and one other friend ended up going to the Jazz Festival in Montreal. After the party was over we headed home. My friend left and it was just me and him alone to walk to his house since my car was at his house. We got to my car and i said "What are you doing tonight?" "Nothing, why?" "Well. . . i had nothing to do tonight. . . so i was wondering if you wanted to watch a movie with me at my house?" (For some reason i was nervous) "Yeah sure. I'll get some movies at my house." When we got to my house i asked him what movie he brought. And to my surprise. . . he brought two love movies. I was curious to why he brought those movies since we always watch comedy or action movies. But he gave me the excuse thats all he had at his house, which i know for a fact that it wasn't true. I didn't argue more thinking that it might be a good movie. We got the movie ready and he asks me "Didn't you say that you brought a bottle of rome back from Dominican Republic?" Once again i was very curious, we don't usually drink unless we planned to. I was curious on where he wanted to go with this. I didn't question him and i just told him that if he wanted some then i would pour him a glass. But he also insisted that i take a glass. . . to taste my new rome made on the home land of Dominican Republic. Once again curious, but i didn't bother. Through half way of the movie he asked me if we could lay down on the coach, to be more comfort. So we laid down in a way that he was on top of me, his head on my belly. You need to remember that since "he liked this new girl", we made the rule that we wouldn't have sex or kiss each other anymore. When the movie was done we had the bottle of rome half way done. We sat up and started talking about the movie and thats when that i told him that i was sorry in advance if i would make any moves on him. He said that it was okay since he didn't like this girl anymore (it didn't even last a week. Which is weird because his not like that). At that point he was probably tipsy and he started to talk about how he might have suppressed feelings about me and that he might actually like me deep down inside. I didn't want to have a deep convocation about my emotions so i just told him that it would probably be time to go to bed. I started to get comfortable on the coach while leaving him the choice between my bed or the guest bed. "Why don't you come sleep in your room . . there's two beds after all?" I guess he wants to talk more, thats why he wants me to be in the same room as him. So i went and laid down on the bed. He lays down beside me. We are used to lay down on the same bed when we wanted to talk. BUt he started to cuddle me. I was confused. . . i thought that i wasn't aloud to do that anymore. He continued to talk about how his emotions must be suppress and stuff. I just kept my mouth shut. . . i didn't know what to say. BUt then he told me this " The feelings that i had for Isabelle (the girl that he liked for a week) are the same feelings that i had for you twice before, but even stronger. (he leaned closer to my ear and said) And i still do." I was filled with joy, saying to myself that i didn't need to hide my emotions anymore and things are were going to get better form this point on. He then said "I want to do something, but i don't want to confuse you. So i shouldn't" I simply told him that if he thought that doing something was right and that he wanted too. . . then he should do it. He kissed me. . . a passionate kiss. . . a beautiful, lovely long kiss, which lead to an even more beautiful thing. I felt more joy and a warm feeling through out my whole body. I finally had a chance. . .
Next morning i drive him home because he needed to get ready for work. At night he calls me saying that he find the time is passing by slow and that he had nothing to do at work, so he called me to have a chat. I didn't mind talking, i couldn't sleep since i was confused about "our situation". He was curious on what happened last night since he didn't remember much. I was surprised since he said some pretty deep stuff. "Do you remember what you told me before you kiss me?" I asked me. "I told you that i might have suppressed emotions for you?" "No. . . you said something after that." "I honestly don't remember. Can you tell me?" I couldn't believe that he forgotten something so meaningful for him and me. I was so disappointed " I guess that it will always be my little secret." Wow. . . maybe i won't have a chance after all. . After i said that, he seemed to be such on the defensive side, worried about what he said. He also wondered what that last night meant. . . i was wondering that also.
The day of "the talk" comes. We drive around abit and we go into a candy shop ( he loves sweets ). While he was getting his candy i was thinking of all the things that i needed, wanted, and shouldn't tell him. I wanted to know the time so i got his phone to check. On his background there was a picture of him and the girl he "liked". When i saw it, for some reason, i had to leave the store. I felt so bad seeing that picture (it wasn't jealousy , just sadness) and thats when i realized how much i had deep emotions for him. Thats when i noticed that i might be falling in LOVE him. I was scared. "Why did you leave the store?" He asked in a panic "I was just getting some candy. . . what did i do? Did i do something wrong?" I couldn't tell him why and i absolutely couldn't tell him what i realized in those few minutes. What was i suppose to tell him "in our talk" now? "Don't worry about it. . . its nothing. Lets go do "are talk"".
I parked in a quiet place near the forest and lake. I didn't know what to say first. I admitted to him that i felt like running away from him and not talk to him ever again, but i knew that it wasn't the right thing to do. I started the convocation with something that i noticed about myself. . . something i realized. I told him that i realized that i liked him alot more than i thought. Then i tried to make him realize that he has been doing things that seems like he likes me but that he wasn't realizing. For example; when were with our friends, he always end up being beside me and touching me even when we agreed to not be flirtatious with each other. I also tried to make him understand that he might be playing mind games with me. For example; telling me he likes a girl and then doesn't in order to be "more comfortable with me". To make me jealous basically. I also, told him that i noticed that in the past and recently his always trying to get into an argument or just anything in order to be mad at me. His been trying to be distant from me. Then. . . it clicked. "I hurt you, didn't i? I hurt you alot by telling you that i didn't like you. And by talking about other boys that i might be into. I hurt you pretty badly didn't i?." I felt so bad. I was the one causing his pain and he never told me. I'm his friend. . . he should of told me. But i didn't understand why he was still mad at me, but then he admitted it to me ; "I was jealous of you and MIhai (the boy that i have a close friendship with and that i went to Dominican Republic). I thought that you two had something going on." Wow. . . how could of he possibly imagine this. I made it clear with him that me and Mihai would never happen, and that it was him that i was going for. He explained to me that we were not at the same level. He suppressed his emotions way to much and that i let mine grow way too much. He admitted to me that he was scared about how much i liked him. We thought of a possible solution. To start back at zero. Start as friends and see how it goes from there. He was ready to give a possible shot at it. I wasn't sure. In order for that to happen. . . i would need to suppress my emotions and to act like nothing happened. To play a game. . .Of course it was an amazing idea, but i wasn't sure. I told him that in order for us to start back at zero i would need to not see him for a while.
It was one of the most hardest weeks since i've been in college. 7 days of purely just trying to suppress my emotions to the point that i don't think of him as a possible boyfriend. 7 days of just trying to accept my . . . our situation. I had, and maybe still having, a hard time since my emotions were so big for him. I started to text and call him. . . but i'm not sure if i can stand seeing him again. He hurt me pretty badly. . . like i hurt him. . .
BUt what should i think from all of this? Does he like me or am i just seeing things? There's so many things going in my head right now because to me it seems like he likes me alot but he tells me that he likes me as a friend. I asked my friends for advice and they all told me that his been acting this way because he probably likes me. I have a feeling that his been suppressing his emotions to the point where he doesn't understand what is reality anymore, in order to not get hurt. I have a feeling that his not going with the flow because his scared of the possible results. I don't know why but i feel like i need to do something. I feel like he needs help. . . but i don't know what to do. I miss the way we were. The way he was. And the friendship we had. I miss him alot.
And eric. . . if you see this. I want you to read this carefully. Try to understand my point of view. Your a wonderful person and many great things will happen to you. I'm not a bad thing is your life. To be honest with you . . . i want to enhance yourself. I want to be there for you like you were there for me. I want to help you grow into a better person. I want to love you and take care of you. Make you happy and smile. I want to make you laugh and show you how beautiful life is. I want to change your view on your importance in this world. I want to be there for you. . I want to go through the bads and the good with you. I want to be there for you each time you cry or feel sad, in order to comfort you and make you feel better. I want to help you though everything and live wonderful adventures with you. You amaze me each time i see you. I probably love you and you know that won't change for a while. . . and i don't know if i should be sorry about that. . .