I Never Thought Differently

We'll call my friend L. I met him in Secondary College (so when I was thirteen). I hadn't had many male friends before. I think most guys thought I was weird and/or too [seemingly] shy. My friend A and I kept running into him on our first day at school for some reason... then we wound up in the same class. My friend A was a real flirt, and as a result had, I suppose, plenty of male followers. So it was easy for her to befriend L, and his 2 other friends. I wasn't friendly with the other guys-- they fell into the aforementioned category of males who weren't too sure about me. For some reason L and I became friends. I don't remember the friendship forming in great detail or anything, but I remember what it was like being his friend, and what we'd do. With a shared love of The Simpsons, we would spend whatever classes we had together passing back and forth a piece of paper and writing quotes on it (handing it back and forth we'd chuckle and pretend to be doing work). We could laugh and joke about pretty much anything though. It was never very serious with us.

I never thought of L as my 'male friend.' He was just like any of the girlfriends I had. L was feminine, but I never actually thought he was gay. Mostly because he did a convincing job of being interested in girls... in a lot of my friends, actually. He'd date them (though I think calling it 'dating' at that age is pretty stupid. Like it's possible to 'go out' for one day) briefly and that would be that. I never felt that way about him. Though my parents thought different due to me talking about him regularly. My dad even said on one occasion, "there's a potential husband for you!" which infuriated me. Not only because I didn't intend to get married, but because, why should having a male friend be treated as something entirely different? He was just like anyone else I was friends with.

I left school early when I started getting depressed. L and I didn't talk much after that, which is sad. We only spoke online.

I lost contact with A for awhile, and when I started talking to her again, we got together soon enough, and she told me L was gay, which she seemed to find truly astounding. Her boyfriend, who at that point I had only just met, added, "he likes it up the ***" jokingly. Although I grew to like him enough later on, I didn't like his attitude on being gay. I didn't like A's much either. She was a bit like a guy with the double standard that it's hot for girls, but 'wrong' for guys. I didn't think of L any differently.. apart from wondering how long he had known deep down, because I was curious.

Awhile later, I added L on myspace, and we enthusiastically exchanged comments on funny quotes, our old inside jokes... all of that. I had felt quite down on myself appearance-wise for ages, so it was nice when he'd leave me picture comments saying how pretty I was.

The funny thing is, when we were chatting for a bit there, he never mentioned being gay. He obviously assumed I already knew (mostly likely from A), and didn't feel the need to say anything. A few things changed though. Sudddenly I didn't know if I could laugh about the episode with Homer's gay friend like we had before or if he'd somehow find offence. I think this was just me being paranoid, but I couldn't help but wonder. Even if he didn't get offended, I worried he'd find the topic being brought up by me awkward. So I stopped myself from doing it.

We ran out of steam with our exchanged comments via myspace eventually. I still get the odd picture comment here and there, but we don't really talk. And I probably should have mentioned, he lives a state away from me now (I first learned of this when A and I caught up a few years ago). He first moved there to be with his boyfriend, but they're not together anymore. Watching from myspace of all things, I've seen him go from being in a relationship to single a few times. He looks happy with the guy he's with now though.

He comes to town to visit every now and then (on holidays and the like). I've never gone to see him though, and last time he came (last year sometime), I couldn't go and see him because I didn't have ID and all he'd do would be go out to pubs/clubs and whatnot to see old friends. I have ID now though, and have gone out and all, so hopefully the next time he comes, I'll get to see him.

FateCantDecide FateCantDecide
22-25, F
Mar 12, 2009