Sadly It Was A Feeling Of Self-disgust (confused About My Sexuality... Again...)

I'm going through one of those motions again where I feel totally fine with being same-sex attracted. Even admitting to myself that I'm probably only attracted to women which the last year or so has helped me re-discover and reaffirm. I was very comfortable with identifying as pansexual and for the first time I was proud of having such a label. I thought I could find a 'happy place' with a guy -thought I could get by and make-do with them. Enough that I could forget about women altogether. But having watched 'The L Word' and Lost Girl again, looked up YouTube videos of lesbian scenes and scoured the net for lesbian get-togethers I can't contain myself any longer.

And I've already let loose (just a little).

Did it feel good?

Yes. It was liberating and exhilarating, but after that wore off I suddenly felt... disgusted with myself. It swooped round and hit me and I wish it never had. I wish I could live with myself with these feeling and attractions, otherwise be born completely heterosexual. It's not the label, though. It's not the stereotype this time, or the socioeconomic status association and being in yet another minority group and the narrowing of ever meeting someone special. It's to do with making female friends. I've made plenty since I've been at uni and I'm proud of myself for that. I'm not attracted to my friends and I'm sure they know that and I'm glad I don't. There's no temptation there. But I feel like I have to reiterate that to them to eliminate any suspicion and I find that disappointing on my behalf. It could be that I'm too paranoid, that I'm reading things wrong and should find more humour out of any of it... or it could be true. The great thing about not having been totally 'out' was that I didn't need to think about all this. I felt like I fitted in with everyone and I could relate more to others. I felt more connected.

There's a girl at work who looks like a very young Megan Fox. I assumed she was still a teenager -still in school like a lot of the recovery staff and newly hired ones. She's gorgeous. Her social skills are surprisingly lacking... People think she's strange and Jess and Will have told me how stupid they think she is. I think she left school 2 years ago and is working towards getting into uni to do psychology and I don't care what anyone says, I think she's lovely and interesting. I know I always think the best of people (and some more than others) when I first meet them and over time realise their faults, and Brigitte has obviously made quite an impression on me. But what can I do? Why not use these opportunities to make new friends. After a few encounters, I finally had a proper chat to her recently whilst we were recovering the Christmas aisle. I then caught up with her last night at work as I was leaving and suggested that she join the football club. I left my number with Jess (which is when her and Will told me what an air-head they think she is). I was a bit excited when she seemed keen about it (I was expecting her to say she wasn't 'into' physical activity like most people at work). It didn't hover in my mind when I left. I saw her again tonight but we didn't have much opportunity to talk. She said she'd message me but I wasn't fussed. Then, as I looked up at her passing by the other end of the aisle I thought how much I enjoyed her company and how I feel like I want to say everything at once when we're close and then how sick and gross I feel inside because I've just looked at myself thinking this and wished I wasn't me.

I never had an ulterior motive for engaging with her. I just wanted to talk and get to know her. I still do! It's not like Tammy where I actually felt attracted to her and planned on asking her out, but the fact that it crossed my mind with Brigitte was different... maybe because she looks young and/or because I think she's stunning.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 14, 2013