How Do You Deal With Anxiety?
I have anxiety. My actual diagnosis is general anxiety not otherwise classified.
It is killing me. It's sucking the life out of me. It's robbing me of my life. I try so hard to just live a normal life but it just seems impossible. I can't keep living like this, in a state of constant anxiety. The only way I know to keep anxiety from turning into a full blown anxiety attack is avoidance. So I spend hours on the computer, or playing bubble breaker on my PDA.. It's better than spending the day shopping (when the credit card bill comes it brings anxiety with it) But I can't avoid everything in life, and you can't go through life always feeling revved up. But I can't ever just make it go away. I may get the anxiety down to a 2 or 3 out of 10 but it is ALWAYS there and it always has me on edge because it can easily build up to the point of a full blown attack. Anxiety does not care where I am or what I am doing. Even writing this, right now I'm at a 5 or 6, and I didn't start out this way.
My throat hurts. Tears are falling and I can't control them. I can't stop them or make them go away. My chest feels tight. In minutes I know that my stomach will be tight too, but right now my throat hurts a whole lot.
If I were in public, I would excuse myself and cut at this point to try to bring it down. Anxiety forced me to walk with scalpels, to cut. I've been in therapy and I haven't cut now for a few months. It still feels like I may pass out sometimes or even die, but therapy has made me see that so far it has not come to that, and if I pass out at school then it may not be the end of the world. the worse though is the uncontrollable crying. There is no way to hide that and I can't sit in a classroom or at work and be hysterical. I just can't do it.
After the anxiety attack comes down to manageable it always leaves me drained and exhausted. If I can I'll take a nap. Regardless thought, it ALWAYS depresses me cause all I can do it watch it eat away at my life.
So I am always late or just miss things because anxiety is always dragging me down.
Thanks to anxiety I am going to be kicked out of the nursing program at my school. I know it. I realized this yesterday. There is nothing more I can do about it. School used to be the one bright spot in my life that I could count on, it was a very good distraction but now I have lost that too.
In the past I have thought about ending my life, but not as seriously as I have been thinking lately. I feel like I have no reason to live. As hard as I try to live a normal life it just seems impossible. I even get in trouble at work with my attendance because of anxiety, and how can I explain that? My resume is a mess with lots of gaps and positions held for only a year or two. Even if I would talk about anxiety, how can I make people understand? Even the few people who have seem me having an attack are sympathetic but they don't get it, except for my therapist. I just can't live like this. I keep hoping that life will get better but I'm running out of hope. What's the point in keeping trying if anxiety is going to always win?????