How Have I Ended Up Here...

Hi

I have always been an anxious person as long as I can remember, that is now that I understand what anxiety is. When I was a kid I always used to play up at the dinner table, not eat everything, and always fuss and fight about what particulars I had with food. At some point along that road I also got told by my parents "if you don't eat you'll get ill".

I always managed to 'cope' and cover up my eating and anxiety problems, I got good grades, did well at uni, have a well-paid job and a loving girlfriend.

In the last couple of years though since my life has reached the point where I expected to be happy, and I don't feel happy, my anxiety has boiled over; I have had to skip work today and self-certificate myself off for some further days because I cannot face it, I haven't enjoyed eating for over 6 months and so each day has been drudgery of forcing breakfast down my throat and then feeling anxious all the while I'm at work and then feeling guilty when my girlfriend is so nice to me in the evenings but I stone wall her because the anxiety has completely taken over. I haven't felt safe for a long time but now I'm actively scared of everything that goes on and I spend my time obsessively worrying about the next meal. To top things off I also have developed hyperchondria, every ache and pain is cancer or impending death.

Since I've thrown up a few times after eating lately I have a constant scorched throat and feel very uncomfortable - this is exacerbating the eating problems further. I feel like I'm dying slowly and my 'lovely life' that surrounds me is just acting to make me feel even more worthless and devoid of normal human nature - that is the ability to feel hungry and eat, receive love and feel good, be challenged and respond.

I have recently started taking Sertraline, have done 7 days on 25mg and first day today on 50mg. I am anxious as hell, literally not knowing what to do with myself - I can't get to sleep and when I do I wake full of adrenaline and terrified. I really want to see out the Sertraline as I have read many good stories and reassurances that the way I'm feeling at the moment is normal for this drug. I always do this with drugs, think the worst side effects will happen to me to the point where I make them happen.

I hope things improve because I can't bring myself to eat, sleep or do anything at the moment and life is awful; I'm scared of where I go from here. I honestly feel pathetic, ashamed, guilty and hopeless. How have I ended up here, my life should've been so good after all the hard work I put in during my younger years being promised it would pay off.

I'm lost and alone in my own head.
theRiandor theRiandor
26-30
2 Responses Sep 12, 2012

I know how you feel when you say you thin you have cancer and stuff like that. It's like my biggest fear and its what my Anxiety feeds on. I'm not happy that you have to deal with it to cause I know how much it sucks, but it makes me feel a little bit better I'm not the only one. I remember awhile ago I was having a lot of dizzy spells and to calm my anxiety down I kept telling myself maybe you just need glasses. So I went and got my eyes checked, when I was done the receptionist said good news you have 20/20 vision. I immediately started crying and said if its not my eyes what's wrong with me. She looked so confused and was probably thinking this girl is crazy. It bugged me for a long time and still dose every now and again but I eventually got to the point where I was like okay how many times have I been through this and how many times has nothing happened, and I think that helped me get a little more control over it. So good luck and know you are not alone. :)

Hello what are your phisicals simptoms I think I suffer from that I feel so bad everyday my what it drives me crazy its my palpitations and lightheaded sometimes I think I'm loosing my mind ;,(