What Does Normal Feel Like?

iI've had uncontrolled Graves for 9 years now. When I first started treatment I experienced rapid weight gain about 90 lbs and when I quit my meds the weight quickly came off. Believing I'd rather be dead then fat I stayed off any treatment for the next 6 years. I wonder if the Graves affected my decision making process in that. I've heard it can do that. I smoke and drink coffee in large amounts. I did little to no exercise and ate whatever I pleased. I've dealt with the anxiety and tremors, the sleeplessness and weightloss. I've actually felt like I was losing my mind to this disease.
Now I'm on meds to control my symptoms. In the past week I've been in the hospital three times with stroke like symptoms. I feel like I'm fighting for my life. I take 30mgs of tapazol and 75 mgs of atenol to control my hypertension. Sometimes I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm not sure I'll wake up again. My meds make me feel like I'm high. My face is always tingling. Recently my throat has started to feel an empty feeling likely just my huge goiter shrinking. The stroke like numbness in my body hasn't stopped and my endo said it was something to do with potassium.
I regret ignoring treatment all those years ago. Now my eyes bulge from my head and I feel like I am walking around in a fog all the time. Everything is trial and error and I never feel quite right. I feel like I'm all alone in this. I don't want to be sick, I don't want this disease. I feel like its controlling my life. I wonder how much more my heart can take.
My endo wants to do rai asap. I'm scared. What if I go into coma after or something bad happens. What if it makes my eyes worse? I don't know what to do. I just want to know what it feels like to be normal. Even after the RAI I will not be normal. I weigh 140 lbs as is and don't want to gain a bunch of weight. I feel lonely and sad even though I have a huge support group. I'm lost. I just want to be and feel normal. Idon't want to die and my body never feels quite right. Is this ever going to stop? Will I ever be happy? I don't know. I just want my life back.
rucaAZ rucaAZ
26-30, F
Jan 20, 2013