No Reason For It

In Nov. of last year I went in for my first ultrasound with my husband and 2 daughters to see for the first time our new baby. The baby we had planned 4 1/2 yrs ago with the birth of our first child. When we planned out our family. We planned the first, then decided we'd plan out the rest after we saw 'how this one goes', and decided 3 would be the perfect number, and we'd have the second 2 yrs after the first, and the third 3 yrs after that. Now with our youngest being 2 we had gotten pregnant in time for  baby to arrive just before she turned 3. We watched the monitor, excitedly describing to our girls that there'd be a black circle on the screen, and in the middle would be a white blob and that would be our new baby. As the tech moved the sensor over my flat belly and found the black circle we watched, smiling, for the white blob. "It's not there." my oldest said, in the quiet voice her daddy had told her to use. I knew that what she said was completely true. "There's no baby." I said, very disappointed, but not wanting to break down in tears I kept it to that short phrase and nothing else. Don't think about 'baby'. Don't think about 'no'. The doc didn't lose his optimism. "It's likely we have the dates wrong. It's probably still too small to see." He measured the sac. It's size said the pregnancy was 6 wks along. That matched my numbers. But there was no baby. "We'll make an appointment in 2 wks and check again. Sometimes they like to hide." And I knew that he said this because he'd seen it several times before, but I KNEW that there was no baby. But I kept optimistic the whole 2 wks. Even though I had started to bleed and the bleeding was becoming more and more like a normal period. I Did research on 'empty sac' and 'blighted ovum' and read stories that described every possible outcome between miscarriage and delivering twins that hadn't been visible till 20wks in. I prayed for the latter, knowing I would get the former. I went in to the appointment and again saw no baby. The sac hadn't grown either. They sent me off with more encouragement. I knew I was expecting a miscarriage. On Nov.26, I woke up with my pad soaked through with blood and cramping, went to the bathroom and passed a large piece of placental tissue. Then the bleeding slowly subsided during the rest of the day. There was no visible baby in the tissue and I threw it out after asking if the doc if he wanted it for any reason and he said no. Then the cramping came on again and got worse and worse. Then it got to the point that I was AFRAID it would get any worse, so I decided we had to go to the ER. During a huge ice storm that brought the tops of nearly every tree down, my husband drove me to the ER a few miles away. The doc there did a pelvic exam, it hurt, then he did a vaginal exam and  pulled some tissue that had lodged in my cervix. The cramping immediately improved. The power went out while I got the most painful two shots of my life in my bum and scared the hell outta me for the second it took the generators to kick on. Then I went home to wait for the bleeding to stop. It finally did after 2 wks of gradually tapering off. My OB checked me then to see if I'd passed everything and could avoid a D&C and I had. Yay! Then 3 cycles later we started trying again for our third.

We started trying the middle of Feb. We didn't even know we were pregnant when I again passed placental tissue. It was Tues. and I told DH that I thought I'd had another miscarriage. I called the OB and they said to just watch my bleeding and if it got heavy or a ran a fever go to the ER. So I wore my pads and resolved myself to another 2 wk period. That Fri. evening I had the worst cramps EVER. I thought I was terribly constipated, since there was so much pressure on my pelvic floor and I couldn't poop to save my life. I thought I'd make DH go out and get me laxitives in the morning. I went to bed cramping and uncomfortable. The pain woke me at 3am on Mar.31. I staggered into the bathroom to try and go again, but I nearly passed out. The pain was horrible. It felt like it does when I have to push during labor, but pushing hurt instead of feeling better. I tried to get to the office where I knew DH would be on the comp. But once I got to the kitchen my vision disappeared and I got very dizzy. I called his name twice, but had to lay down before I completely passed out and hurt myself hitting the floor. He heard me fall and came to check on me. I was shaking horribly, pale, weak, sick. He carried me to the couch and threatened to call 911. I said no, cause I didn't want the bill for constipation. But he could see how sick I was and called anyway. They sent an ambulance and I went to the hospital. My hubby dropped the kids off at gramma's and then came to join me. The doc gave me demeral (that made everything better (^_^) and they did a vaginal exam (more tissue) and a pelvic exam (Oh god the PAIN) then they sent for an ultrasound machine. The tech arrived and examined me and the look on his face told me it was ectopic. Then a real nice (permanent sympathetic smile) doc came and said it was ectopic and emergency surgery was needed because it had ruptured. I cried for the loss of an unfortunate baby who had ended up in the wrong spot. They took me into surgery and I slept for the rest of that day. I woke up about mid. and the nurses came to sit me up. The pain was so bad I fainted. The next day I called my mom in to sit me up and get me to stand. She did it expertly (I love having a nurse for a mom (^_^) with no where near the pain of the previous night. Then the next day I went to the dentist and got my upper 2 wisdom teeth pulled, then went home. I rested all that day, drank some broth, and the next day was eating normally and trying to recover from my surgery.

I got the pathology report back a coupla weeks ago and found there was 'no fetal tissue present' Yay! Again I had lost a pregnancy, but not a baby. To me even if there had been a baby and the baby had been reabsorbed, then really I didn't lose anyone. They are still apart of me. Perhaps this next time, we'll do it right, and baby can finally be born as is meant to be. <3