There Really Was A Light
I lived through a near death experience back in December of 2010. I was severely depressed and had decided to kill myself. I ended up taking 182 full strength aspirin pills. I remember so much about that night, it was like not a second can escape my memory. I remember the EMTs trying to walk me to the ambulance. I remember looking up and seeing a confused boy staring at me, I remember feeling my legs getting heavy, then not feeling them at all. I remember being helped into the ambulance and begging for my counselor to come with me. I sat on the bench leaning against her as the EMTs worked on me, trying to get in a line and taking my vitals and trying to maintain engagement. I remember slumping back and forth feeling like I was totally drunk and half laughing, half just confused and scared. And then I remember hearing a beeping, and then a silence. I saw a bright light, and felt myself drifting towards it, like there was a hand reaching out to me. But then I felt another presence, which I've always liked to imagine as my late grandmother, urging me back, that it wasn't time. And I remember in a giant rush, returning to my body. I was totally confused. I was being wheeled into an ER room. I was very disoriented. The room felt too shallow. It was extrememly bright and loud, but the voices seemed distant, I couldn't really make out what they were saying, just noise. I slowly gained my bearings somewhat, and next thing I knew they were slicing my groin to put in a central line. I was scared but didn't feel anything because my body and mind were like two seperate entities. I was fed IVs for a few hours, talked to but confused, and then brought to ICU where they put an arterial line in my neck, once again without any numbing stuff or meds, yet I didn't feel much except the anxiety and discomfort of the plastic sheet on my face and the doctor working above me. A few hours later I started kidney dialysis. I had a few treatments over the next couple of days. I remember a Rabbi coming to see me while I was there on the machines. He was wonderful, and after the experience I had, I was so glad to see him. He continued to visit me weekly for the next couple of years while I was in psychiatric treatment. I gained a kind of faith then. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it feels like there is something. ANd that for some reason I am meant to be here. I had always heard tales of people seeing the light, and I never really believed in it, and sometimes I even question myself. I mean I was trashed out on stuff, so who knows mybe it was all made up, but then it keeps coming back to me that sight and the serenity that came with it. I feel hopeful from it, like there is something greater and that there is someone or something looking out for us. I don't want to test this power, but I feel like if anything was able to calm me so drastically at that moment when I was lost to the world, whenever death finally does reach me for good, I think it will have peace and comfort. The act of trying to kill myself brought about such fear and pain and misery, but the act of being saved and visiting death brought about such tranquility and ease.