One Night Stand and Cheated At Same Time...

The story is simple...

A female coworker of mine was throwing a party at her house.  I lived about two blocks away so I walked over and everyone was drinking, having a good time, etc.  I hung out and got a nice buzz on, then waited until almost everyone had left, and then started helping my coworker clean up.  She was really wasted.  She got tired, so I told her maybe she should go to sleep.  The minute I walked her to the bedroom, we were making out, next thing I know, we had a very good, but afterward awkward one night stand.  We talked about it at work after that, and decided not to tell anyone and to let it go as if nothing had happened.  It was a good decision, in light of the fact that my girlfriend worked in the same office too...too bad, though, cause she is really hot and I'd do it again if I could!

flirtswithdisaster flirtswithdisaster
26-30, M
14 Responses Aug 17, 2007

That sure was a long essay for a bunch of people online who are "utterly worthless to you"......pond-life.

well, ill start off first by saying cheating is wrong by any extent. i never have and never will. but, i agree with flirt. he cheated and it was wrong, but he is obviously still with the person he wants to be with. i mean, if he had no attachment to her he would have told her, "uh hey...i cheated on you and now im leaving you." i think protecting her is the right thing to do, because, obviously you still like being in a relationship with her and telling her what you did is not only disastrous to her, but possibly to yourself as well depending on the outcome.<br />
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vector, i lie to my parents, so are you saying that i dont love my parents? do i hate them....dang that sucks, 20 years of my life i thought i loved my parents, turns out i stopped loving them when i was about 3 years old and told them i didnt take the cookie off the counter when i really did.....that makes me sad..

My dear Queen- <br />
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These were some interesting comments, albeit some of the more common and traditional ob<x>jections to various behaviors from my past, so I have decided to devote a significant amount of time and space addressing them in the hopes I won't have to keep answering the same ob<x>jections from different people over time. <br />
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To achieve this end, which is essentially a defense of my person and my decisions, I will employ a number of rational arguments based on aphorisms and philosophical and religious text to show you exactly why you're wrong about a great many things, both about truth and about me. I suppose a lot of what you say depends on how you look at love, so let's start there. <br />
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On Love: <br />
There is physical love and character (what some might call "soul") love. Lately there has also been this newer concept (actually a much older concept stemming back to the ancient Greeks) of "gender" love, which involves many other complex questions and is irrelevant to the discussion at hand, but deserves mention nonetheless. As social beings, we in this "civilized" era have defined the rules such that all three must coexist equally and definitely in the same person. <br />
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I simply don't agree on that point. I love my girlfriend's character, but I am more attracted physically to many other people. Would merely looking at them be any better than touching? Some would say so, but there is no reasonable basis to believe that a thought without action is any purer than the action itself. <br />
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To test that, take the inverse of the thought without action: the action without thought. The angry husband comes home frustrated from work. His wife tries to cheer him up, and in thoughtless frustration he slaps her. The action may have been committed without forethought, but the level of its insensitivity is nonetheless obvious, and the action would still be morally unacceptable by any standard. <br />
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Therefore, if an action without thought can be considered villainous, it must be assumed that thought without action is equally susceptible to moral judgment. You could also evaluate it through the contrapositive: the lack of thought preceding the lack of action. If it is true that one can judge someone's lack of action accompanied by a lack of thought, then thought is equally susceptible. Take, for example, the man who forgets his anniversary. He comes home from work without flowers. The lack of thought accompanied by a lack of action to do something nice is indubitably insensitive. Since in this case it is both the lack of consideration AND the lack of action that are equally inconsiderate, and one can judge them to be so, we have proven that in any circumstance thought is at least as important as action. <br />
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Further, the Bible would tell us that coveting (sin of the mind, read: "thought crime") is just as bad as acting on the impulse. Acts of coveting property and persons actually get their own separate commandments from the acts of THINKING about taking either property or person from another. The recommended remedy by Christian Biblical standards would be to either pluck out my own eyes or cut off my genitalia. Seeing either as an unacceptable solution, I choose instead to reject those notions and act according to who I am and what I want. This way, I can be judged for exactly what I am and not who I pretend to be. <br />
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Therefore, we have established that one's thoughts are a prime indicator of a person's character, and not only their actions. To think about or be attracted to any other woman, then, is just as morally dubious as actually acting on those impulses, meaning watching a dirty film or checking out some girl on the beach can rationally be equated to cheating. Given the near impossibility of any person meeting that standard, we have no choice but to fall back on the honesty argument. <br />
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On Honesty: <br />
Now, this has always been a compelling argument. Let us take the literary example of a man who was dishonest with his lover as well as himself: Hamlet. Once again, in the act of lying we have an action that has its own Commandment. <br />
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However, Shakespeare demonstrates well in "Hamlet" that the pinnacle of virtuous honesty can only be found in this axiom: "To thine own self be true." It is a mantra we hear repeated often. But what is the value of this statement? For one, it implies that being honest with oneself is "above all" else important. If this is the case, then honesty is only important insofar as one understands oneself. This is clear from the statement because it specifically enumerates "thine OWN self" and not "to all including oneself", implying that honesty is only paramount with respect to oneself. It also follows that honesty to another without honesty to oneself is false honesty and should never be employed. <br />
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Therefore, the only justifiable actions are those that are completely harmonious with an interpretation of the self that is brutally honest about who one actually is, for better or worse. The danger in this highly rational and quite legitimate interpretation of the axiom is that it justifies (if not requires) that in some cases dishonesty may be employed with others, given two conditions: <br />
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1) It may be directly inferred from the axiom that being dishonest with someone else is acceptable as long as it is in accordance with self-honesty, which is the only paramount; AND <br />
2) Dishonesty may be acceptable if it perpetuates a view or opinion of you that someone ELSE holds important to THEIR OWN sense of identity, self-worth, or importance. Meaning, that if believing that I am someone other than who I truly am is important to someone else's character, then it is imperative- if that person's happiness is truly important to me- that I continue to perpetuate that vision, so as not to call her entire evaluation of her situation in life into question, thus thwarting her own ability to rely on her personal judgment and causing her to either lie to or disbelieve her future feelings. <br />
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Therefore, using the very rules about love and honesty that I have already dismissed to tell me why I'm wrong without any other pre-existing argument in logic is nothing but a hollow and meaningless judgment. At least I can give you a rational basis by which to test my actions. I always act according to my personal code. Is it wrong because it's dishonest? Clearly not, as self-honesty is more important. I would argue that many in our society agree that honesty is not the highest capital in a love relationship. Trust, perhaps, but not honesty. <br />
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We're a society built on lies. We smile through our teeth every day to make our bosses, our spouses, our children, even our pets happy. How can a society that is so bent on perpetuating falsehoods like etiquette, political correctness, even laws themselves, claim that there is no single thing more important than the truth? The truth is that there is no universal truth that can be TOLD to you, only that which you discover in yourself by investigation. <br />
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I simply consider my character love for my girlfriend more important than the other types. I'm not convinced I ought to give up the others entirely, for why cast myself into a life of misery when I know that the life I live right now makes us both happy, while revealing the truth at this point would only make her miserable? That these statements of yours come from someone who is probably constantly judged for your own life choices, I would think you'd be uniquely understanding of a person's deeply felt desire to distance oneself slightly from convention. <br />
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Some day, I suppose I'll be called to answer for the things I've done in this life. Whether it be in this life or after, I'm sure it won't be to you. I guess that's what makes a good hypocrite...bending the rules for yourself doesn't mean anyone else should be able to. The only difference is a matter of degree. <br />
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I'm certainly not asking for sympathy. I could give a hoot what kind of a person you think I am, "w@nker" or otherwise. It's more of a desire to explain "why". Why rules should not be absolute if they are arbitrary or irrational or contradictory. Why there is darkness and light in equal measure in man and nature. Why you shouldn't hurt someone you care about if a lie could more easily protect them. <br />
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My goal is to encourage others to think more freely and break out of their own personal Matrix. Whether I pursue correct means is not for either you or I to decide, Queeny. Humans make mistakes, obviously. We are not gods, although we seem to love judging others as if we were. <br />
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For the rest of you, say whatever you wish. I have grown weary of the same ob<x>jections all the time. Either bring something new or don't come to the table. I haven't heard from a single person yet anything other than the same two-dimensional, irrational nonsense rooted in the oppressive conservativism of "tradition". If you believe in free will, you also believe that I can make my own choices. Based on THAT, tell me why I'm wrong, without a judgment, without a dogma. Give me something a priori. <br />
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Give me something worth reading. <br />
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Regards- <br />
fwd

you also sound like your a bit of a woe is me kinda person, like you want sympathy. "I love her enough not to break her heart, to see her happy" but i'll desrespect her by cheating on her. Everyone look and see how nice im am that i stay with my girlfriend just to make her happy.

i agree with you chemicat. its wrong. lying is wrong. I dont know how you could be with you gf everyday knowing that your lying to her. i know how much you love her but you it musnt be real love if its that easy to lie to her face.<br />
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You really sound like a wanka sorry, you go on and on about you feelings and everyone thinks your sweet and caring but its just weak. Your a weak sad man. or teenager or whatever.

Thanks for your opinion! It flatters me that I have had any kind of emotional impact on your life at all, unfortunately I can't say the same for you, because you're small-minded, two-dimensional, and utterly worthless to me. I'm glad God pities the meek because you are certainly in need. I'd pity you myself but you clearly aren't worth my time.

I find it comical that you try to defend your actions. Cheating is never ok, and lying only makes it worse. I hope she finds out and dumps you.

Oh big ******* i n g deal. That is nothing compared to what my best friend's boyfriend did to her. He cheated, got her pregnant, went around sleeping with other girls, got some of them pregnant. And the one who lied about being pregnant because she wanted to keep him as a boyfriend is the one he stayed with and she's not even as pretty or nice and she's a total beeotch. What the hell was he thinking. When I found out I kicked him in the balls so hard he had to go to the Emergency Room. I guess that doesn't make me very nice, but too bad. And my best friend Jessica walked in on them while they were in the process of 'doing it'. She's totally devistated, but on the bright side she puked all over them. Yeah, I know- gross. That was f'ing hilarious to me though.

You are not an @ss and sometimes when people love someone so much and start to get in a serious relationship they get freaked out or nervous and trust me you do love her or you wouldn't still be with her. Your gf sounds like she has faith in you, now you just need to have some faith in yourself. It's NOT like your just some horny bastard looking for something new to screw.

Because she believes in it, and me. Although I continue to let her down every day, I will still fight to preserve her innocence and naivete. And if anyone thinks that they "truly" understand love, please spare me. We usually love in the most selfish ways because we define love in terms of the way another person makes US feel, which is by definition a selfish notion. If anything, my love for her is deeper, because I don't necessarily find happiness in her, but her belief in my love for her keeps her happy, and I'd rather she enjoy that than my own happiness, because I recognize that she's a better person than I am.

See, what you fail to realize is that; if you TRULY loved her you would end it. You continuing the lie in an effort to spare her is keeping her from experiencing only the greatest thing in the world - loving and being loved in return on the same level. You can keep up the lie for the rest of your days, many lies you will have to amass and maintain considering your 'tendencies', but in the end you admit not loving her as she does you ... Do you find it fair or right to keep lying this way to keep her marginally happy (she doesn't yet reatlize it gets better) when she could experience TRUE happiness with someone else?<br />
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I'm not judging you. I'm just confused why you would deprive someone you love so much of something so basic ...

Or, I'm just an insensitive narcissist. Or an ob<x>jectivist. Or an @$$. Thanks for telling me how to live, though. You obviously understand me and my life very well from a couple of online stories. Could it be, perhaps, that I care enough not to break her heart, and that seeing her happy is more important to me than the quality of the relationship itself? I'd rather live that lie to keep her smiling, than have to end it and destroy her. But of course, everyone seems to think I am incapable of love in any sense of the word anyway, so who am I to argue.

After lots of relationships and dating I can tell you with certainty that if the person you are with is boorish and despite attempts you cannot liven things up ... you're with the wrong person ...

Yep. I understand how the same person could get boring. Just try lots of new things and it won't be.