I can get them over anything, someone staring at me, being made to eat in front of people, being shouted at, someone making a rape joke, someone scaring me, someone wearing a mask, loud noises, big crowds.
The doctors said it was an anxiety disorder, although its now attributed to the BPD. Sometimes they happen over nothing, although that is rare now. I used to just get them suddenly, an overwhelming pain in my chest building up to an inability to breathe and a fear that I was going to either die or be seriously hurt.
I don't know what I'm scared of when I get them, there doesn't need to be anything there to worry me, just an overwhelming amount of fear and a need to run and hide because if not something very bad will happen.
For a while I was having 10 or 15 a day, I couldn't do anything because I was just so scared. I had to drop out of school because lessons and the amount ofpoeple would get to me. I remember breaking down completely when my mum asked me what I wanted for lunch. The idea of making such a decision was just horrible.
They are a lot less now. I still get them before going on stage, horse shows, doctors appointments, the general things that people are afraid of. And never to the extent they were, now they can be over in about half an hour when before Id be hyperventilating for a good 20 minutes then for the next few hours anything would set me off.