Living With It

I have been having panic attacks for the past 10 years. I have been on paxil, zoloft, and now on effixor for the last 4 years. It seems to be the only thing that helps me. as long as I take my meds i am fine but if i skip a couple days they come back. I know they say that there is a trigger that causes them , but it seems that most of mine happen in the middle of the night and I will awake in a full blown panic attack, I dont know about anyone else but I find it hard to exlain exactly what I am going through with a panic attack, it sems that when i try it doesnt even come close to the actual fear that I go through and if someone hasnt had them they cannot understand how it feels. There are time were i feel that I have totally lost my mind I will pace back and forth across the floor mumbling to myself to try and stop them. it seems the only thing that helps is to keep my mind busy on other things. I write poetry and short stories. Here is one I wrote during an attack.

Panic

A nightmare a scream a cry in the night
Is ringing in my ears
Someone's voice in frightened despair
Fill with pain and fear
~
I can hear it more loudly now
Echoing off the walls
The cry is ringing in my ears
Sounding down the halls
~
The pain and anguish in the cry
Fills me to my soul
Like a voice wrapped around my head
Never to let go
~
I try and rise to go and help
That’s when I was to find
The cry of fear and agony
Came from in my mind
~
Deep inside my tortured soul
Begging to be set free
Of all the fear and anguish
That lives inside of me
~
I never know when it will come
Or when it will ever end
All I know is I Live in fear
Of when it will ascend
~
I try and live life normal
As a man like me can live
I hide the fear down deep inside
No one knows the torture it gives
~
To live in constant fear
Of when your mind will burn
And lose control of who you are
Your mind takes a twisted turn
~
Some time you believe your crazy
That your truly going insane
And you have no control of what you become
You live in mental pain
~
©Mydnight 2004

 If anyone at all wants someone to talk to that knows what they are going through please feel free to write me at starting_again4u@hotmail.com Be safe

Mydnight Mydnight
41-45, M
2 Responses May 6, 2007

i've had panic disorder most of my adult life. i've been on prozac before, now i'm on celexa and clonazepam. they help and give me a life back. not a complete life but its passable. the thing that stuck out in your story was the fact that you skip days taking your medication. i know you cant do that, the medication won't work and it can send you into withdrawal symptoms. phsychiatric medications must be weaned off very slowly. i understand COMPLETELY all the symptoms you feel, for i have felt them all over and over again. and no one understands what its like. in earlier years, i would run from malls ,any lineups, grocery stores etc.. i have a phsychiatrist i've been seeing off and on for several years, and it helps keep things in perspective for me. hang in there, theres alot of us out there..

I started having panic attacks when I was 15 yrs old. I usually have them during the day or evening but I have never woke up having one. That must be horrible. When I first started having them I thought I was losing my mind too! I didn't know what it was until years later when I was treated for depression.