Have Had a Few

I more or less recognized them for what they were when they started.  I was in college on an ROTC scholarship.  I struggled acedemicly to keep my scholarship for the first two years.  In addition to that, ROTC placed extra demands, and expectations on me.  They acted as though they didn't believe me when I told them how much work I was putting into academics, which I really was.  I wanted to be there, was thankful for the chance, was worried that I was going to lose it, and put in the effort to keep it to include sacrificing the more "traditional" "rituals" typically practiced by college students.

First, I would get an increase in heart rate.  Then I would notice shallow breathing.  Both of these I could deal with.  What worried me was the dry heaves and nausea.  It worried me because I didn't want it to interfear with my work!!  I could work through the heart rate and shallow breathing, but it is hard to read when dashing for a trash can every few minutes. 

I went to a campus tudoring type office where they wanted to test me for learning disabilities.  Suprise, they said I had one.  Whatever that means.  I wouldn't accept the formalized "help" they provided such as extended test periods, alternative testing methods, and whatnot, because I worried an official diagnosis would take away my scholarship.  I did accept study technique recomendations.  They also recommended counseling, which I accepted on the basis of privilaged sessions.   The counselor confirmed I was having panic attacks, but that I was dealing with them appropriately, I wasn't letting them run my life, even during a panic attack, I was thinking through my problems and rationally coming to solutions, and not giving into the "fight or flight".  I made it (my major was nursing).

BeautifulLoser BeautifulLoser
31-35, M
Jun 15, 2007