First Time

I didn't even know what panic attack was! It happened at the end of 2006. A night before I had a very emotional confrontation with my boyfriend. Overall it's been a very stressful time for me and I guess the confrontation topped it off.

Next morning I went to school and while standing in line for coffee I started feeling light headed. I couldn't understand the feeling, so I found a bench and laid down. After a while I went back to line but the feeling didn't go away, so I just went outside. The weather was pretty - sun was shining and it was nice and warm. I tried to rest and breathe, but felt that my breath is harder and harder to maintain. Soon I started having a feeling that I'd choke and die. Why? What the hell was going on? I didn't even know! I tried to keep breathing deeply but it got worse and worse, so I just took myself off for the doc's office. It was a long walk in this agony. When I reached to building, I approached the appointment window, they asked me what's wrong, I told them I needed a doctor and those were my last words since I burst into crying so bad that nothing could stop me. I sobbed and howled like a wolf and tried to grab some air desperately. Docs came with a wheelchair and sat me there. They took my pulse and everything, which were fine. Those people were really helpful and very sweet. It was very important to me. They called my boyfriend who dropped everything and came right over.

The whole thing lasted from 15 - 20 minutes I guess, but it seemed forever! Things soon got better. He suggested to go to a quiet restaurant later on, which we did. It was very nice, but sitting there, every 10 minutes I would get this queer feeling that it's about to start again and I started to panic. I panicked about panicking! But he tried to calm me down and say that it's OK.

The experience was acutely with me for a long time, many months. But since then, living uncomfortably with my fear which ruined my life slowly but surely I decided that no more. I know very well that everything's in our head and we CAN accomplish anything we wish. So first, I decided that I rule out the possibility of another panic attack IN MY HEAD. Then I started concentrating on my breathing more. Third, every time I felt "weird", like it's about to come, I told myself "Go away, I don't want you here, I'm in control and feel great". It was very hard, but effective. Of course I realized that panic attacks don't just come with no reason. There should have been something very wrong with my life, or rather, with my reactions to it. Too much stress, too much pressure, too much negativity, too much pain. Can't do this anymore! Need to change!

I didn't mention that months from that I had an episode of depression, which was the top of the tops, oh, not to mention a horrible and painful breakup with my boyfriend. It's a whole another story, but I figured that from there, it could only get better. WHICH IT DID!

So, with all the cognitive work I've done, I've also read literature about peace and happiness, I concentrated to positive stuff. I'm still reading, but I've learned a lot. Ask me again whether I'd do it over, I'd say I would. No, I wouldn't be happy to be so miserable nor would I enjoy the ride, but the lessons I've learned can't be truly understood unless experienced.

misasja misasja
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 5, 2007

Its sounds like you turned a very negative (and scary!) experience into a reason to make sure you live a peaceful, and less stressful life. How wonderful :-)